Things that I have accomplished this year

So I made a new years resolution list last year, but then I lost it. So, I decided to make up a new list of things that I am proud of that I have accomplished this year. Of course these things obviously wouldn't have been on my list. On my original list I had things like: Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse, Master Cricket playing skills, and do something important. So here is my list of accomplishments for the year 2013:

1) Just two seconds ago I hit some keys and this appeared on my screen! I have no idea how the heck I did this, but I just went incognito on my internet! I. AM. AWESOME!!!!! Now I just have to figure out how to do it again.

2) I kept my Christmas tree, with all of the Christmas ornaments, up ALL YEAR LONG!!! Yeah I'm just that lazy.

3) I built a suicide slide, which was the best thing ever!

4) I raised a 2 year old this year and survived (granted my looks and behaviors might have changed...). I am an awesome mom!

Me at the beginning of January 2013

End of December 2013

5) I made a blog, and MAINTAINED IT!

6) I bought a talking Travelocity gnome, and named him Fredrick! By the way Kiara broke off his legs, but thanks to super glue I was able to revive him (it was a close call though, I almost had to pronounce him dead at the scene).

7) I ran the Ragnar in June, and haven't ran since.

Me at the Ragnar. I. Was. Awesome! (Wow! First picture I post of myself on here and this is the one I pick?!!)

The Red Vine licorice really boosted my energy!

8) I gained 7 pounds since June, and I plan on gaining some more. (Christmas is coming, I can't start a diet now! Then I have New Years, Martin Luther King day, Flag day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving...)

9) I finally own a Twinkie maker...I just had to brag. :)...Oh! I can also fit 2.75 Twinkies in my mouth! (don't judge...this is how I gained those proud 7 pounds, and I was really interested to see how many I could eat at once)

10)  I didn't get stuck in the Loony Bin this year (although, there were plenty of opportunities for my husband to stick me in one ;) )

11) This entire semester I BS'd every single assignment and still got an A in all of my classes. (Some times I think I'd make a great politician ;) )

12) I can shoot a crayon out of my nose, and have it land two feet away from me (that takes skill yo!)

13) I have officially made it to level 200 in Candy Crush (my goal was 100...I surpassed that...Boo ya to me!) 

14) After 4.5 years of being married I finally made a wedding book that has all of our wedding pictures!!! (this is a huge accomplishment for me because scrap booking is my seventh circle of hell...Thank you Shutterfly!)

In Hell they make you scrapbook 24/7, and make you go pant shopping!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

15) After living in my house for 4 years I bought curtains for my sliding glass doors! Now my neighbors don't have to see me naked anymore! :)

16) I finally figured out how to pronounce "meme" correctly! This one was a hard one for me, you have no idea. I also made one! 

This is my proud accomplishment

Yup, this is everything I did this year that I'm proud of. :)

I can't wait for next year! I'm uber excited!!! 

My "short" post

My husband keeps complaining that my posts are too long and that I need to have a short post. So just to appease him I've made a "short" post:

Always say "No!" to green shorts

How did these ever come into style?!

Everyone needs plaid shorts! (I actually made Chris by 3 when we first got married) :)

I love the pink shoes!

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES!!!!!

Yup, this is the new style guys. Just don't wear them after labor day or fashion zombies will eat your soul. 

Shorts.....Check....?.....Wait a minute.....

Yeah I'd walk with a tiger too....if it didn't move, and was in a cage. Just sayin'

Enough said yo!

Shorts: Keeps your legs warm from the knees up!

umm....patriotic? Where is the rest of the flag?! OH! they must be wearing a striped shirt!!!

See now these are patriotic....? :)

Shorts with the shorts! I see what you did there.

The butt fanny pack! I'm sold order me 3!!!

Hey Mom! I want these for Christmas! Can you make me a pair?!

Well I hope you all enjoyed my short post!

My Presentation!

Ok this is my post from Facebook back from September (I figured this might help explain why I had to do this presentation): "URGH!!! I have a cookoo teacher who fell off the fruit loop tree and she's driving me nuts! This is a research class and we have a final project where we turn in a proposal for our research question but apparently that's NOT our project. Apparently our project is to find our innerselves and things we found out about ourselves while doing this research proposal. THAT"S our "project" that we have to present in class. Our goal is to "find" ourselves. I want to have fun with this and suddenly find out that I'm a schizophrenic mass murder who kills innocent trees and flowers and I have to do this or Godzilla will eat me because my "friend" tells me so. I think I could do a pretty good "presentation" on that."

I apparently have a lot of issues with this teacher. I'm not going to lie she is a very nice and interesting person, but we do not see eye to eye on her teaching methods...you'll see this in a later post after my official grade comes out ;) 

Well today was presentation day. Unfortunately, I did not do the schizophrenic mass murderer thing because apparently this project was worth 150 points of my grade. But I had to relate it to my research question that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder can co-exist (most researchers say they can't). I had to explain my bias on this project, and as most of you know I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have some symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Yay me! My life rocks!!!  If you know anything about borderline personality disorder the symptoms are: reoccurring suicidal ideation, suicide attempts and self harm, fear of abandonment, past abuse, depression, etc. Exciting huh? At first I thought I could just read some things out of my journal but then I realized that I didn't want to traumatize these people, besides I still have to see them again next week.  So I was sitting in class talking to some of my classmates (I don't remember what about) when suddenly it hit me! I slapped my desk and stood up in the middle of class and absentmindedly shouted "I'VE GOT IT! I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO!"  Then I ran out of the class and got a drink.  I honestly didn't realize what I just did until I came back to class and everyone was very confused. The girl behind me asked "What just happened?" and I said "Oh I now know what I'm going to do for my presentation." I apparently created a concerning scene. On deciding what I should do for this project I thought why not sketch out my life on a flip chart? (Ok Chris was the one who drew the things but I traced them!) 

If you guys want to know what goes on in my head during these episodes you can click here and it will take you to my other blog post :) 

Here is my final presentation:

Chris wanted foam coming out of my mouth on the manic episode, but it looked like I was puking my guts out.

This is how far I think I can jump off a swing set depending on my mood

Actual comments from previous teachers

My ability to draw plateaus over time.

Tribute to Demetri Martin, and if I say so myself, my mountains are awesome!

This is why I was in the Loony bin. If you want to know how I survived the Loony bin click here

If you can't tell, I'm the one in the balloon. Chris is the one dangling. ;)

Yeah Siamese twins trumps all!

Needless to say I think I got an "A"! :D

Things that I am thankful for

So it's that time of the month...wait what I mean to say is...it's that time of year to be thankful for things. I love that I only have to be thankful for things one month out of the year, it makes me shudder to think if I had to be thankful for 12 months out of the year! So let's get to business shall we?

I am thankful for...

1) My husband

2) My baby girl

3) My friends and family which includes everyone who I'm close to and love

I have to say these ones because if I don't say them then society will consider me a heartless individual who will eventually turn into a sociopath and murder innocent bunnies. Which after the Rabbit story I might get a little joy out of it. Though I can't lie, the top three things are the most important things to me :)...well, and maybe number 4 ;)

4) Antonio Banderas, Jason Isaacs, and Cary Grant. Great actors and mmmmhhhmmmm! I can't wait to see them in my dreams! They are going to be in my heaven when I die :D

5) When ever I lose my phone. Blech I hate feeling like I'm attached to it. Unnecessary side note: I HATE voice-mails. FYI if you leave me a voice-mail I will most likely not listen to it for about 3-4 weeks. So if it's an emergency and you get my voice-mail call Chris or someone else cause I won't come help you push your car for another 3 weeks.

6) Any shoes without shoe laces

7) Coke, Twinkies, Strawberries, and Sour Patch Kids. (Because of these, people are still alive today because I didn't kill them on my bad days ;) )

8) Starbucks hot chocolate

9) McDonald's fries and wanky 89 cent burger

10) Calvin and Hobbes Comics. They are the best, especially the snowman ones!


11) Writing research papers...I'm a bit of a nerd.

12) While proof reading my assignment on a Rapper I found that I kept writing Raper. I think that's a bit of a difference don't you? So glad I caught that before sending it in :)

13) Toilet paper. I'd hate to think what we would be using if toilet paper was never invented. "Get some leaves!"- Brian Regan

14) Brian Regan, Bill Engvall, Bill Cosby, Jim Gaffigan, and Don Friensen. Frickin' hilarious!

Brian Regan: I remember my teacher ask me: "Brian, what's the I before E rule?" Ummm... I before E... Always. "What are you an idiot Brian?" Apparently! So she explains it: "No Brian it's I before E except after C, N that sounded like A in a neighbouring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!" That's a hard rule

Bill Engvall: I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage. Number two: we have medication for this. And number three: It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.

Bill Cosby: I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

15) That Chris can sing AMAZINGLY because now Kiara has a 50/50 chance of winning American Idol.  

16) My InkJoy pen from Paper-Mate. I am VERY picky about my pens and these ones are AWESOME!!! Some one had the audacity to steal one of them and I am on the hunt for revenge...Don't take my pen.

17) Deoderant. Seriously though, who isn't thankful for this?

18) My ability to BS...A blog will come out on this one, but I have to wait for my official grade to come out just in case my teacher finds my blog before hand :)

19) While driving the person ahead of me runs a yellow light. I'm grateful for this because I am two inches from his bumper.

20) Good hair day. It is amazing how a bad hair day can ruin your day.

21) When my parents forgot I was grounded while I was a kid

22) Jeans that lie about the size. Example: When you know your a size 7 but try on a size 4 pair of pants on and they fit!!! Best. Day. Ever!!!!

23) That the Zombie Apocalypse hasn't started yet because I am no where near ready

24) That I made it to number 24

25) The word llama. I don't really care for the animal (although, they are Chris's favorite so I'm afraid we might actually own one in the future) but I love that it has 2 L's. Every time I see the word it makes me smile just because of the second L. True fact.

There is my thankful list. Not much, but they all make me very happy! 

What? I don't understand...Oh NOW I get it!!!!

There are some things that I have never understood, and when I don't understand something my brain needs to make up an explanation. Let me give you some examples of things that I have learned from my own brain :) If you actually read this I will be very impressed because you are actually getting a piece of what really goes on inside my head...it tends to scare most people. :)

I now understand why Greeks break their dishes at parties. Here's how I think it went down. There was once a Greek couple and the woman sent the man to the store to buy some paper plates. The man went to the store and came home 5 minutes before the party and brought home some drinks, lamb, potatoes, but no plates. Well now it was too late to run back to the store so the woman had no choice but to use her porcelain plates, she was upset about this because she did not have a dishwasher. As the party went on there were a lot more people who showed up than expected and before she knew it all of her one hundred plates were used up. Upon seeing how many dishes were being used the woman became furious at her husband because who was going to have to wash all of these dishes?! Not her husband that's for sure. So out of anger she threw a plate at her husband nearly missing his head and it shattered against the wall, and everyone thought it was the greatest thing and all started to throw their plates on the floor. And that is how it all started.

I now understand why we believe the Easter bunny hides eggs. See there was once a bunny who was madly in love with a hen named Penny (apparently all hens are named Penny). The Easter bunny started to send her cards and love letters and Penny flirted back, but Penny was a two timing chicken and lusted after the Rooster named Henry (I don't know why he was named Henry). One day while the Easter bunny was hopping around he saw Penny hurry around a bush and he decided to follow her. To his surprise there was Penny with Henry! The Easter bunny was furious and of course he tried to beat up Henry! Well as we all know roosters are scary as heck when they get mad and so Henry obviously won the fight. The Easter bunny was filled with so much anger and resentment that he decided that he would get revenge. Later on Penny and Henry got married and had some eggs. The Easter bunny heard the news and got really excited because he knew the perfect way to get his revenge. He stole all of Penny's eggs and started hiding them. The last egg he hid was next to a house filled with children. The Easter bunny thought he was being sneaky but in the bushes there were some children who were going to capture him! When the Easter bunny pulled out the egg all of the children were speechless and frozen in their tracks. A bunny just pulled an egg out and hid it...WHAT THE?!!!...So the kids immediately ran to get there mom who also saw this and just then the Easter bunny turned and saw that he was caught and ran away as fast as he could! Now you're wondering how does Jesus tie into all of this huh? Well apparently the family was starving and had no food and the mom just finished a prayer when the children came and got her. So BAM! Bunny, eggs, Jesus. It makes complete sense now doesn't it!

What about Santa Claus? Why does he come through the chiminey? Well that is easy my friends. One night around midnight there was a man named Morfus (I don't know if this is his real name but we'll just call him Morfus for now). Morfus was a thief and a good one at that. On this particular night he was walking through a rich neighborhood, you know those kinds of neighborhoods where everything is gated and the houses are so big that there are 100 rooms and 210 bathrooms for a family of 4, it was one of those neighborhoods. Anyway, Morfus was wandering around when he came upon the biggest house he'd ever seen in his life! He didn't want to trigger any alarms so he went up the roof and came down the chimney. While he was looking around he noticed that this house was just like Wal-mart! It had EVERYTHING!!! There were so many things that Morfus was certain the owners didn't know they had most of this stuff. So he started to load up his bag until it couldn't close anymore. Well Morfus being a curious fellow decided to walk around for a bit and take a gander at things. He stopped and looked at some pictures that were hanging on the wall, they were obviously the family that lived here. He noticed a little boy and girl playing, and a mom and dad laughing. As he started to head for the chimney he heard a man say "FREEZE!" and he froze (That is one magical word by the way. I don't know of one person who hasn't frozen at that word...Mystery solved with why police say "freeze"!!!) Morfus turned around and stared at a man in his pajamas and recognized him from the pictures. "Who are you?!" the man said and Morfus thinking quickly said "Oh I'm Santa Claus! I come bearing gifts for children". The man looked at him curiously and said "Okay, say I bought into this lie, how many kids do I have." Morfus smiled and said "Two a boy and a girl." Stunned the man asked "What are their names?" Uh-oh Morfus didn't know their names! He started to sweat but he had no other choice so he guessed the most common names he could think of "Jack and Jill." The man was amazed and shouted "Oh my gosh you are Santa!" So Morfus took the bag and gave the man some of the stuff he'd stolen and told him to give them to the children when they awoke. Then Morfus hurried and ran up the chimney as quickly as he could. When Morfus came to the top he was covered in black soot and that is also why burglars now wear black (I think they used to wear hot pink). :)

(I posted this on Facebook earlier, but I felt it deserved a spot in my blog) I have decided that the person who first put up a plate on a wall was a guy. He didn't do it for decoration it was his emergency plate so when he didn't want to do dishes he had one extra before he started eating off the floor. Then a woman he was dating walked in and deemed it as a decoration. So when you keep a couple of plates on your wall you now know it's not for decoration it's to use so you don't have to wash your dishes that day. So the next time you walk into my house you will find every wall lined with plates.

Anyway, that is how my brain works. It has to make sense of everything. Right now it's trying to make sense of why you read this very long and excruciatingly absurd post?! OH now it makes sense I'm just awesome and you love me....or you escaped out of the loony bin and are stalking me waiting for my next move so you can send your zombies to eat me!!!! I KNEW IT!!!! :) In my head this was really awesome because I was kicking zombie butt!!! Just so you so know I'm a ninja when it comes to zombies. BOO YA TO ME!!! 

I've just been played by a two year old

Being a new parent I have learned a lot from my two year old. For instance, keep covers over the electrical sockets because apparently they are fun to lick.  Don't leave a two year old alone with dog poop, bad things happen. I don't buy duct tape anymore because I'm fairly positive my child will try to use it on me while I'm sleeping and start a robot army to take over the world. I have also found that she can outsmart me. I am 24 years old. I have completed high school and have gone to college. I am smart (at least I like to think so, others might disagree) but nothing in life has prepared me on how to out think a two year old.

Let me give you an example. I recently (and by recently I mean like 2 months ago) posted about The Rabbit, which I later found out was a frog. Well Kiara is still convinced that it is a green rabbit, and I want to convince her it's a frog because...well...it's a frog. This is our conversation while driving past it:
Kiara: Look Mommy! Green rabbit!!!!
Me: No that's a frog
Kiara: No, it's a rabbit
Me: *Not about to back down this time* No, sweetie, it's a frog
Kiara: No, it's a rabbit.
Me: No, it's a frog
Most people probably would have given up by now, but I am not about to give in. So this goes on for about 7 minutes because neither one of us is about to give up and admit the other person is right (Kiara gets it from her father ;) ) then she says:
Kiara: No, it's a puppy!
Me: No, it's a rabbit!....Wait...Dang it!!!
Kiara: *huge smile* Yeah, it's a rabbit.
Me: *hitting my head on the steering wheel while at the stop sign*

I just got played by a two year old. I'd like to say that this was my first time but the kid has been playing me since day one. I always thought that being a parent meant being in charge and being in control of everything. Apparently, I was WAY off the mark on that one. Now being a parent means, just don't let the kiddo die or get hurt, and sleep with one eye open just in case she finds the duct tape.

I am pretty good at arguments. If I have something that I am passionate about, I will not give up and I will get my point across. With  two year old, all arguments seem invalid. I don't even know how she does it. I will be trying to get her into bed and I'll start arguing with her to get into pajamas, then the next thing I know we are watching another episode of Dragon Tales. It's not until half way through the episode I think "What the...?...Wait a minute!" I don't even know how she does it!

It has been potty training time all year with Kiara. She is the most independent child I know. She will only do things on her own time. I like that quality sometimes, but not while potty training. All I want is for her to go to the toilet and get rid of the diapers, every parent knows that excited feeling they get when they know they wont have to change another dirty diaper. Apparently Kiara doesn't want me to have this feeling because she will only go when she wants to go. If I want her to go she will kick, scream, run away, hide, and act as though there is a monster in the toilet. So this has been a bit frustrating and tedious, but I figure she'll learn eventually....right?...please say yes. Anyway every time she says she has to go to the bathroom we get excited and praise her for being a big girl. She has now found the perfect way to stall before bed time. After we read her a story and put her to bed Chris and I will go down stairs and watch a movie or something when 30 minutes later we hear "Mommy! I need to go potty!" YAY!!! She's going to use the toilet!! So I run up the stairs hurry and strip her down and put her on the potty and wait...and wait...and wait...This whole time Kiara is happy and laughing but she's secretly thinking "hahahaha!!! I've got you now! hahahaha! This is the perfect way to stay up!" This is where she gets even smarter. About 50% of the time she actually goes potty! She's playing me like a fiddle because she knows if she doesn't go potty then I'll stop coming up, but if she continues to do this "sometimes" thing then she'll get to stay up later. Just so you know she only goes potty at night, she says nothing during the day time. She's a clever one.

She even has me beat when it comes to eating. I'll ask her what she wants to eat and I'll say something like "Do you want pasta?" She'll respond to "No, my tummy hurts." At first I was a sucker and would say "Oh I'm sorry what would make it feel better?" Then she'll look around the fridge like she's deciding, then she'll casually wander to the pantry and pull out the marshmallow cereal and say "This will help."

Let me give you one more example that just happened today. Kiara and I were sitting on the couch watching Winnie the Pooh when Kiara decided to go into the kitchen. I'm not worried because there's nothing she can get into. Well I hear some chairs moving around and this sparks up my interests, so I get up to see what she's doing. I'm observing her through the doorway as she moves a chair from the table to the counter top with a spoon in her hand. When she gets to the counter top she climbs on top of the chair and grabs the peanut butter jar that was there. This is our conversation:
Me: No Kiara, you can't have peanut butter.
Kiara: No mommy, go rest.
Me: No, I don't need to rest
Kiara: Yeah you need to rest. Go to couch and rest.
Me: Honey I think I rested too much
Kiara: No you need to go rest and sleep.
Me: *actually feeling tired and yawning* I think you're right I'll go rest
...What the....?....I'm blaming this on the fact that it was 7 in the freaking morning. So I have her come back to the living room with me and I must have dozed off for a bit because I heard her back in the kitchen. From the couch I yell:
Me: What are you doing?
Kiara: Go back to sleep mommy
Me: I don't think so
Kiara: You need to rest
I get up and go into the kitchen and there she is with an open jar of peanut butter and shoveling it into her mouth as fast as she could with her spoon.

If this is already happening at two, I'm afraid of what is in store for the future! I don't even want to think about those teenage years! I'm in soooo much trouble. :)

My pet peeves in life

OH my gosh so I just have to start off by saying OUCH!!! I think I just got the flu shot from Hell! It hurts so bad I just want to chop off my arm. This is the reason why God gave us two arms, so when we get the flu shot from Hell we can just chop it off and have an extra for spare. You all might think I'm exaggerating, but not even labor and delivery hurt this bad! OK so that might be an exaggeration, but dude this is killing my soul! Okay now that I have that out of my system here is my real post:

So I've been in my typical Bipolar depressive stage and during this depressive episode I have found out that I tend to notice my pet peeves a lot more than I do in all of my other stages.  I think it's because I get more easily pissed off during this stage :) So here is my list of pet peeves so you know what NOT to do around me when I'm in a bad mood. I probably shouldn't post this because I know that most of my family and close friends will use this list as a "Hey! I'm going to do these things around you every day" list. If this happens to be the case I will write a blog about you and draw a stick figure being electrocuted by lightning. Just sayin'. ;)

1) Peeing. Seriously, this one drives me nuts because it requires me to have to take time out of my day just to pee. Especially if it's at night and it interrupts my sleep! Oh and the worst is peeing in the outdoors! Boys you have it easy, but us girls have to work at it. I'm still traumatized from my fifth grade adventure at Big Springs. We were on a 5 mile hike and half way back I really REALLY had to pee. So off to the forest I went. I got ready and squatted and did natures duty. I totally forgot that I had my jacket tied around my waist! I peed all over my jacket! The worst part was, I had to carry it for another 2-3 miles down the mountain with all of my friends laughing at me. Traumatization right there! Peeing sucks.

2) Breathing. Anyone with allergies or asthma knows this feeling, and I have both


3) When people chew with their mouths open. Seriously, ewe, gross.

4) When the teacher tells the class the answer first then asks the question and is baffled when no one responds. Really? You just told us the answer do you not remember?!

5) When people stop at a yellow light. Just run it. You don't realize that while your doing 25 and are debating about stopping you have me behind you going 80 thinking "Yes!!! I'm going to make it, the light God's love me!!!" Then when you stop I crap my pants because I'm thinking "Crap! I haven't installed my turbo breaks yet, I can't stop at this speed!!!"


6) When people go below the speed limit. Really?

7) When people go the speed limit. Really? The only reason to go the speed limit is to let others know that there is an officer nearby. That's called the courtesy rule. Other than that people should always go 5 over...let's make that 10 over.

8) When some one is handing out free coke and when I get up to the front of the line it's gone! This has happened way more times than it should have.


9) When I'm talking to someone and they are not looking at me or even worse they are texting while I'm talking to them. Don't make me take that phone away and throw it out the window. 

10) Buttoning and unbuttoning my pants. What ever happened to the snap buttons?!

11) When someone says they can't do something with you because they are very busy but then when you read their Facebook post it clearly states other wise. Honestly, if you say you can't hang out because you're sick don't post pictures of you drinking at a club that night. (This has never happened to me of course, but it has to some of my friends)


12) When a teacher docks me one point and doesn't tell me why! OR EVEN WORSE...My teacher told us to come up with a narrow question for a research proposal. I came up with a perfect narrow question, and she docked me one point for being too narrow. WHAT THE...???!!!! REALLY??!!! 

13) While playing Candy Crush it runs out of moves and has to automatically reshuffle but it uses one of MY moves! It's the one that's out of moves, it should give me a free move! Yeah, yeah I know this is a petty one but it still gets under my skin.


14) Needing the super glue but the lid is super glued shut!

This will by my parent's dog, Jazzy, soon if she doesn't stop pooping in my house.

15) Tying my shoes. My favorite shoes ever were plaid with zippers. Sigh. I miss those shoes, but apparently I killed their souls...literally their soles fell off, I wanted to cry.

16) Getting flu shots that make you think you are dying and that you are never going to be able to use your arm ever again!


You have now been warned. ;)

You know you're a mom of a 2 year old when...

I have a little terrorist that lives in my house who I legally cannot turn over to the government because she is 2 years old. By having this 2 year old terrorist I have earned the title "Mom" Short for "Life as you know it has changed forever, and you have no hope to change it because this precious terrorist now owns you and you must obey every command this child gives you."

The other day I was walking to work and I kept thinking "Oh my gosh my purse is so heavy it feels like someone put bricks in it!" Apparently Kiara decided that my purse was now a great place for a rock collection. I pulled out two handfuls of rocks. This is when it occurred to me that I am now a Mom (it took me 2.5 years to realize it but it's finally caught up) So here are some hints to know that you are now officially a mom.

1) You can't remember the last time you had a good nights sleep 

2) You go to work and when your boss asks you for the keys to the classroom you are pulling out Diapers, wipes, toy cars, baby lotion, bouncy balls, rocks, etc. but no keys because your two year old daughter decided that she needed to steal them to lock every door in the house and use those particular keys because mommy never lets her touch them. (Side note: Let me tell you how utterly annoying it is when you get home and you have to pee so badly and you finally unlock your front door, which apparently takes ten minutes because you are shaking and bouncing so hard, and run to the bathroom only to find out that every freaking bathroom door in the house is locked because your kiddo decided to play lock up. Yeah NOT a good day!)

3) You get home from work and your husband points out that you had a wipe stuck to your butt and you cannot figure out the physics of how the heck it stayed on so long. 

4) You are cleaning up and you find crayons all over the floor, in the tupperware drawer, in the laundry basket, in your underwear drawer, and in the dish washer.

5) Your purse has grown at least 10x's in size 

6) You have cereal or oatmeal in your hair

7) Your house only gets clean 10 minutes before company shows up, other than that it looks like a tornado ran through it after the hurricane hit it. 

8) You wake up and you realize that the thing that was poking you all night was a plastic toy car, a teddy bear, a wooden block, and your child's favorite baby doll that looks like Chucky

9) You now eat candy bars, ice cream, and Twinkies in secrecy because you don't want to share

10) You have now adopted all of your mom sayings that you swore that you would NEVER say in your life like "Because I said so." or "I have told you once I have told you a thousand times."

11) You have said things before that you thought you would never have to tell another human being such as "Stop licking the electrical sockets." Check out this other post for those sayings: Things I thought I'd never have to tell another human being

12) You don't remember the last time you went to the movies

13) You have had to clean poop off the walls, the bed, clothing, the tub, and out of your hair. (The hair is the worst because you smell it all day long!)

14) You can say all the nice things you want, but the second you swear you now have a two year old following you around repeating that cuss word every 5 seconds.

15) You have shown up to night school smelling of carpet cleaner and Top Roman. (This one happened today)

I think it's fair to say that some of these things might hint that you have a child. If you find out that you are experiencing these things and you do not have a 2 foot terrorist living with you, you might want to get checked out by a doctor. Just sayin'. ;)

There needs to be a warning sign when sending a text message!

I have officially decided that when texting someone there should be a warning that pops up that says "Do you really want to send this" Then when you automatically hit yes without thinking (because I know I'll do this) another pop up says "You realize you're sending this to the wrong person and you'll embarrass yourself for the rest of your life and you'll never be able to look this person in the eye ever again. Do you still want me to send this?" Same thing should be done with emails.

I say this because this has happened all to often in my life. I don't even have an Iphone, I have the most basic down to earth only texting and calling phone. You know those phones. The ones that have theft protection because you're not afraid to huck it at the bad guy cause you know you're phone wont break.

Just this week I was texting my friend because I was going to break a social norm for a psychology class and go to a mall in Utah County, (I could have done anywhere but I didn't feel like driving too far) dress as a pregnant woman and ask people to light my cigarette (of course if they say yes I'd tell them no, because I don't smoke and mostly do you know how freaking expensive cigarettes are?!!! Holy crap I'd have to take out a loan to just get a carton of those things! So I am not about to actually light that sucker, I'd put the thing on display just to say "at one time I could afford one of these.") But off to the side I'd have a beer bottle (well it was actually a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag to give the illusion it was beer) and I'd have my little girl next to me in her stroller. I thought this was a great project and I would get a good reaction out of the people next to me. So I was rushing out the door while texting my friend and I sent this text:

"Sounds great! You get the cigarettes and I'll grab the beer. Which day will work better for you? Saturday or Sunday? I don't want to do it today cause it's raining and cold :)"

Well previously I had texted my therapist earlier that day and apparently my thumb decided that while I wasn't paying much attention to my texting it would slide one conversation over and send this particular text to my therapist. Yeah. I know. I didn't even realize that I had sent it to him until an hour later when I realized that my friend hadn't texted back and I checked my phone to make certain that my message went through. Imagine my surprise while I'm looking through my sent messages to her and I cannot find it. I knew I typed it up and sent it. So just for funsies I looked at the next person over and then I saw it. So I thought "Well at least I'm not crazy and I knew I sent it." But then I saw who I sent it to and my first thought was "Oh great! The dude already knows I'm a nut case now he's gonna think I'm an alcoholic smoker too! Seriously! Out of all the people in my contact list, I sent this one to my therapist?!" Then my second thought was "Thank heavens it was only about beer and cigarettes it could have been so much worse!" (you all know what I mean when I say "worse" it could have said "Oh my gosh the people sitting next to me are arguing so loudly I want to scream "Shut up!" but then Chris said there's nobody sitting next to me!" Dun dun dun! Back to the loony bin I go! ;))

Oh FYI I never did do that project because someone, not saying who, **Cough cough Chris!* objected to it so you can blame this someone for not having that awesome story posted on here. (wow I never knew I could cyber cough like that and have the random name Chris accidentally pop out of my cyber mouth!:) )

Now that was just my recent one. There have been so many other ones where it went to the wrong person. Let me tell ya sending "Hey there sexy" to your dad can be pretty traumatizing when he goes along with it to mess with your mind because he knows it was meant for your husband. So I really need to have a message that pops up that says "Hey, you're doing something stupid because you're not paying attention. How can you be texting and not be paying attention?! I'm not even a smart phone and I'm smarter than you! Seriously, how did you get the position of being human and I got stuck being an electronic phone that secretly controls your life?"

The Rabbit

I love my child more than anything in the world and she is wonderful. I'm the kind of mom where I believe my child is perfect, does nothing wrong, and when she grows up she's going to become president, end world hunger, get a gold medal in all the Olympic sports, and find a way how to combine Twinkies, Coke and Sour Patch kids so we can have a taste of heaven with every bite, all before she's 35. See she's brilliant! Ok that might be stretching the truth a little. But she is a great kid and I love her to death. Like I said she's wonderful, but the chica has an evil demonic side to her that pops up every now and then...(when I say "every now and then" I really mean like every other 5 minutes). Now that you know this I need to tell you about the "Rabbit":

Everyday I drive on a particular road four times a day. There is a wedding reception place, on one side of the street and on the other side of the street there is a Something Store (It kind of looks like a junk yard to me). I was driving down this road one day in April when suddenly I hear Kiara say "Look mommy! There's a Rabbit!!" I smile and look out the window where she is pointing, but I don't see a rabbit so I just go along with her and say "uh huh, very nice." Well this continued for the rest of the month and I could never see the rabbit. Now, I know Kiara knows what a rabbit is. She has an aunt who owns a rabbit and Kiara has played with it, and she can point out all of the rabbits in any book. So she knows what a rabbit looks like. But just in case I decided to ask her "Kiara, are you sure it's a rabbit?" She looks at me as though I just asked the most ridiculous question in the world and replies "Ya mommy, rabbit, like a bunny." To me that got translated into "Uh Duh! I know what a rabbit is you nitwit, do you know what a rabbit is?"  Yeah I felt special after that comment. It's amazing how a two year old can test your own intellect.
So after a while of not seeing the rabbit I started to really look for it as we drove down this road. I could never find it, although, I did keep seeing a truck that had a green Kermit the frog on it's tailgate and I asked Kiara if she was talking about the green frog and she replied no. Then I would ask Kiara "Where is the rabbit?" and she would point out the driver side window and say "It's right there mommy!". That's when I noticed that she was pointing at the Wedding place sign. So I thought "Oh! She must think that cursive G is a rabbit!" So I tell her "Sweet heart that's just a sign with a cursive G. That's not a rabbit" (clearly thinking she, a two year old, knew what a cursive G was...smart one Megan) after hearing this Kiara clearly stated with assertiveness "No mommy it's a rabbit."
Needless to say this went on for another couple of weeks (FYI we are now in June). But now Kiara was messing with me. She would say "Look mommy rabbit!" but this time she was pointing out the passenger side window! I'm thinking "What the....?!!!" So I stop the car and I say in that high pitch voice that parents typically use with two year olds "Honey where is the bunny?" Now, Kiara has a saying when she doesn't want to tell you something, she will say "because no." and when you ask "why" she will reply with "because no"this is her favorite saying. So I ask her this and she puts down her pointing finger stares at me intently and says "because no." GGGAAAHHH!!!! I am now losing sleep over this rabbit. I have stopped every time on that street for the last 3 weeks scouring the place with my eyes looking for that rabbit. It is no where! It has been over 2 months and I CANNOT find this STUPID rabbit! Finally, I break down and I ask Chris if he has ever seen a rabbit down this street. He says "No, why?" I say in a frantic voice "Because I am going crazy!!! Kiara keeps seeing a rabbit down this street and I cannot figure out where that stupid rabbit is! She can see it but I cannot?! I NEED TO FIND THAT RABBIT!!!" By this point I have now become obsessed with this rabbit. Remember how I said that I drove down that street 4 times a day? Well now I stop at that street 4 times a day and look for that retarded rabbit. Chris said "Megan, just ignore it. She's two, she's probably just making it up." I say "Nu-uh! She sees it, and she only sees it on that particular road. I ask her before and after that road if she sees the rabbit now, and do you know what she does?! She stares at me like I'm an idiot and then condescendingly says "No mom". I didn't even know she could be condescending at two!!! I need to find this rabbit!!! You don't understand it is driving me nuts!!!" Chris says "Yeah I can clearly see that you're nuts, but don't worry about it." He doesn't understand the seriousness of this situation.
This goes on all through August, me asking Kiara where it is, her saying "because no", me going insane and acting like a creeper stopping in front of these stores just glaring at them in desperate search of this rabbit. Finally September 23rd comes around (that's today fyi) this is now the 5th best day of my life!!! I picked up Kiara after work and we are driving down the street when suddenly she says "Look mommy green rabbit!" I slam on the breaks, flip a U turn, and drive back to the place where she pointed. I get out of the car and I get her out of the car and we go for a walk. I say "honey show me where this rabbit is." She runs over and points to the frickin green Kermit frog on the back of the truck that I kept finding. But then she stops and says "OH!! It's a frog!" I am the happiest person on earth! I HAVE FINALLY FOUND THE "RABBIT"!!!...or so I thought. As we were pulling away Kiara suddenly says "Look mommy! There's rabbit!" and she was NOT pointing at the frog. So I say "don't you mean there's a frog?" in high hopes that she was mistakenly pointing at something else, and she says "No mommy, that's a frog (pointing at the frog) and That's a rabbit (pointing again at the wedding sign) it's high on a mountain" This is when I start banging my head on the steering wheel and say to myself "I just got played by a two year old."

Chris gets home and I tell him all about my amazing day so he starts to talk with Kiara and this is how their conversation went:
Chris "So did you see a rabbit today?"
Kiara:  "yeah"
Chris: "What color was it?"
Kiara: "green"
Chris: "Hmmm.. maybe it was a frog."
Kiara: "maybe it was a rabbit!"
Chris: "are you sure it wasn't a frog?"
Kiara: "Maybe it was a bunny!"

Out beat by a two year old.

Meet the "Rabbit"

Days when I know I am not a people person

I admit there are some days where I am not a people person and I want to kick them in the face. Someone says "Hey! how are you?" *KICK* Someone says "hey you look pretty" AWE! *KICK*
Ok usually I don't kick people for saying things like that, but there are some stupid people who are out there who eventually find their way to me. I have issues with these people. I'm usually good with people, but let me tell ya, there are a few days where I just want to bean them in the head with a 2x4.

Here is how I know when I shouldn't talk to people

1) When I want to sick the Monty Python Bunny on them
2) When I start my stick figure drawings of them being pushed into a spiky wall or them being squished by a giants foot.
3) When I want to rip out my hair and scream "Are you really that stupid?!"
4) When I start writing a letter to the government declaring that we need to have tests for idiots who want to become a parent. Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce!
5) When throwing my cell phone at their head seems appropriate. (I say cell phone because I apparently always have it on me...gah I hate the cell phone trap conundrum, talk about government tracking! Yeah government, I'm on to you and your mind games! Maybe I should write to the government about that too! Nah that takes too much work.)
6) When I feel like shooting unicorns and breaking rainbows.
7) When something slips out like "Did you really just ask me that?" (yes, this has happened and the out come was not pleasant, my boss had a talking to me. Although, all I had to say was, "well they shouldn't be that stupid", and my boss agreed with me :) I love my boss)
8) When I have broken 5 pencils and a pen and now have ink all over my hand, which only pisses me off even more. (ok so it was only one pencil and one pen, but when it comes to 5 that's when you know it's bad)
9) When I start talking to myself in third person angrily (I had to write angrily because I always talk to myself out loud).
10) When I turn into this guy: (Ok this has not happened yet but when it does you'll totally know because it's a part of my plan for when I rule the world.)

by the way Aladdin is one of my  top 5 favorite Disney movies

11) When I have had 3 cokes and it's only 9 AM

12) When I start cutting out voodoo dolls out of paper and stabbing them with my pencil and sticking paperclips through them

13) When I hand my phone to my boss and say "Here! It's your turn!" (This really didn't work because my boss apparently had a pissed off person in her office at the time and said "I'll take it, but you have to deal with the livid person in my office." Yeah talk about backfire.)

14) OK, now when I shout "RAWR, GAR, GRUMBLE!!!" Stay away from me. I cannot tell you how many people come up to me and talk to me. No, I am saying these things because I'm pissed and you might become the next victim of my RAWRING. Just a little warning.

Wow apparently I am not a people person a lot of the time!!! Or maybe there are just that many stupid people out there. Yup, that's it. Justification is my best friend ;) 

Just so you know right now I'm in my #6 mood, and I will mount that unicorn's head on my wall...Ok not really, cause that's just gross, but I will turn it into a museum so I can make millions declaring that they really do exist.(that's not a part of my plan for when I rule the world FYI but it would come in handy :) )