Signs that say "Give up Megan, Just Give up."

So today has been an off day considering that I didn't fall asleep until 5 AM. But today is one of those days where I just need to quit and take a break.

It all started with writing emails at work today. When ever I would write my name it would ALWAYS come out Megna. The receiver wont notice the difference will they? Nah..If I didn't notice they wont. At least that's what I keep telling myself

Then I keep spelling "of" "ove". Who ever the heck made those sound the same I'm gonna kick you in the shins!

Then I kept thinking "Hmmm...I was doing something important. What was it??!!" I'm saying this and looking around frantically for any hints that might help me remember. I of course did not notice that the information is pulled up on my computer, the papers are next to my computer, and I even have a bright green post it note on the bottom of my computer that says "Megan, you are doing, such and such, this is VERY important. DO NOT FORGET ABOUT IT!!!"

Then I needed to help a colleague with how to correct an email address and for the life of me I could not find the address book. So I'm sitting there for like 5 of the longest minutes of my life. You know those long minutes where you're thinking "Oh my gosh, I can't believe this person is asking me for help and I can't even find the address book. Now he's going to think "oh my gosh I probably could have found the mistake by now with how long it's taking her"". Yeah that was a long sweaty 5 minutes.  Then once when I found it, I felt like the biggest idiot because it was the biggest button on the screen just under the email address.

Also you should know I have this habit of talking to myself out loud all the time. It's funny because some students just stare at me and say "umm...Who ya talkin' too?" Then I just reply "Frank. He wont shut up and let me do my work." Then the student nods their heads and awkwardly leaves the scene. Now that you know this about me. Apparently it's not good to say "Oops" or "OH CRAP!" every time your boss passes by. I have no idea how she caught me every time, but she did. I think she has cameras around me and is like "Yay! Sounds like Megan is about to cuss at her computer, I better walk by and make her feel all awkward and incompetent and give her a curious look that says "Do we need to have a talk, and fire your butt?"" Yeah I think I'm making my boss feel oh so confident in my abilities to do my job today :)

Then I go to get a Coke, so I grab my water bottle and when I'm half way filling it up when I suddenly think "Hey wait a minute! This isn't Coke! This fridge lied to me!"

Then I spent about 3 minutes trying to figure out why my key wont fit into the lock and just when I was about to throw my keys through the window I found out I was using the wrong key. The 2 keys don't even look a like. One has a black thick top and the other is a small copper one. Yeah. Special day!

All of this has happened before 11 AM in the morning. Already my brain is screaming "Megan, just give up. Come up with a story of how you came down with stupiditis and beg to go home" Yeah I'm positive that will work *sarcasm used* This does not make me feel optimistic about the rest of the day...

I was bored!!

When I get bored some of the tiniest things entertain me and when I get bored I also tend to do stupid things.

Today I was sitting in the bathroom when I noticed on the toilet paper canister it had the name Waxie with a bee for it's logo. I HAD to call and know why they were called that! (Don't worry I didn't call while I was in the bathroom). So I called the 1-800 number and not even a half a ring into it a very lovely lady answered here is our conversation:

Me: Wow you answered that fast!!!
Toilet paper rep lady: Umm..Thank you (she has a smile in her voice, I loved it)
Me: So I'm really bored and was wondering why do you call your company Waxie?
Toilet paper rep lady: It's our owners name so we named it Waxie.
Me: Oh!! That makes so much sense! But why do you use a bee for the logo?
Toilet paper rep lady: *she sounds like this is her first time being asked this question* Uh..Because it goes with our product and name
Me: Wait. Do you guys use Bees in your products?!
Toilet paper rep lady: No no it's just our logo, it goes with Waxie
Me: Oh Okay I guess that makes sense. So just to verify, you don't use bees.
Toilet paper rep lady: No.  No we don't. *she's laughing when she says this*
Me: Well that's all I wanted to know! Thank you so much!!
Toilet paper rep lady: *laughs* Ok then, have a good day.
Me: You too!!!

Oddly that toilet paper rep lady made my day. She was very happy!

Here's another thing that I did while bored earlier this week:

The other day my parents, who were watching my little girl, were gone so I had to wait around their house until they came back. Well after a while I got really bored and that's when I remembered a story of when my dad was first building the house, he was on the roof and it was so steep he started to slide down it while he was standing up. I have lived in this house for half my life and I've never been on the roof so I HAD to give this a try! Of course I was too lazy to get a ladder (those things are way too heavy), so I just climbed out of the second story window at the back of the house where there is a tiny half roof thing, that would allow me to climb onto the big roof. It was 2 in the afternoon in 101 degree weather. No joke the shingles were literally smoking, and I did not have shoes on. Some people would take these as signs to go back inside the house, not me, obviously I take these signs meaning as though the house just has a smoking addiction. No big. So I step on the half roof that was burning hot (also the half roof is partly in the shade where as the big roof is not) so I immediately think "If I get on the big roof it wont be as hot." (Did I also mention when I get bored, my intelligence gets lower causing a short term dose of stupidity?) So I take the 2 1/2 foot leap and jumped on the big roof. Not only did I burn my hands, knees, and feet, I started sliding down toward the rain gutter and didn't have anything to hold on to! I wish I could say that my first thought was "AHHH!!! I'M GOING TO DIE, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" But no. No joke my first thought was "I bet if I put bacon on here it would fry up while rolling down and I can try to catch it in my mouth while I'm on the ground!" Then my second thought was "Hey Wait! What?! I'm moving involuntarily!!!" Luckily I was smart enough to finally get down and crawl back in through the window. After going through that experience I think "Hmm...Maybe if I go through the window at the front of the house it will be better." Right when I had my leg about to swing over the window sill at the front of the house, I hear my little sister from behind "What are you doing?" "Uhhhhh....Nothing....?"
***Oh I forgot that my parents don't know about this, and now that I think of it, neither does Chris. So let's keep this on the down low ok...:)***

I can't stand it when I'm bored. I HAVE to do SOMETHING or I go insane! And the more bored I get the stupider I become, but it's totally worth....sometimes ;).

Meet Fredrick!!!

Here's Fredrick!!

You can ignore Chris in the background he doesn't like Fredrick. I think Fredrick takes offense that Chris doesn't like him. I have a feeling that Chris is going to wake up with a gnome 2 inches away from his face with a tiny axe.

Fredrick is a part of my life goals that I wrote a blog about  :) My Life Goals

Here is how I came about Fredrick, this is mine and Chris's Text messages back and forth

Chris: Funny shirt on woot today
Me: :) It makes me smile...AH!!! TRAVELOCITY GNOME FOR SALE ON WOOT I NEED IT!!! NEED IT!!
Chris: No! No Megan. No
Me: NEED IT!!!
Chris: No.
Me: It makes me sooo happy :)
***a little later***
Me:...ummm..you love me... :)
Chris: NO GNOME!
Me: It talks :) it makes me happy :) and I love it! Gnome it is! I already named it Fredrick, I became attached, I HAD to adopt it :)....I love you
Chris: Noooooo! No Gnome!
Me: But it's name is Fredrick! You have to buy a Fredrick!
Me: *quoting Emperor's New Groove* "Yay! It's my birthday present to me!"

Fredrick is the best gnome I have ever adopted! Well, he's also the only gnome I've ever adopted :)He's motion activated and has 17 different sayings!

Today I put him under my boss's desk today and when she walked in you could hear her laughing so hard all the way to my desk. It got her pretty good :) Then I hid it in my mom's room and she loved it too!

I love Fredrick he makes me so happy!!! I'm going to find other ways to put him to use mwahahahaha!!!

Happy Birthday to me!!! (Don't worry when my birthday comes I'm going to get my real present and get Abby's farting hippo from NCIS! I'm so excited!!!)

My Life Goals

I have never really had any life goals other than, get a Harley Davidson and become a millionaire over night. But this year has changed it all! It all happened after Christmas of 2012. It was time to take down the Christmas tree and neither Chris nor I wanted to take it down and that's when it hit me! Why don't we just leave it up until next Christmas?! This has now become my goal of the year (I don't think Chris was too happy with it). Then I started thinking "Wow this is my first random goal that I have made in...well...ever." I usually had goals like: Making the tennis team, getting a house, becoming a therapist (for some reason most people are shocked when I mention this goal.), and such things. But this year, I decided that I'm going to have some random goals and complete them throughout my life time. I mean why not? People keep saying life is short so why not make the best of it? I only have 61 years and 16 days to live on this place, so I'm going to make it fun. I've already completed some of them so here's the list:

1) Own a Harley Davidson before I'm 80 (This is on every list no matter what)
2) Leave up my Christmas tree for the whole year (half way there!)
3) Get to level 100 on Candy Crush (completed)
4) Build a slide down my stairs (completed)
5) Repel out of a second story window (Mom I'm coming over to your house! I can't have my neighbors think I'm crazy or something)
6) Ride a windmill. I've always wanted to do this.
7) Get one of those cute/scary Travelocity gnomes
8) Touch an eel
9) Grab a map of the US, spin around, close my eyes, point at a state, and go there that minute.
10) Train a parrot to say the famous line from Joey on the TV series of Friends "How you doin'" (Anyone have a parrot I can borrow?)
11) Come up with an 11th goal.
12) Go streaking when I'm 80, that way I can get off the hook by claiming to be delusional. If I did this today I don't think I could get away with that. Honestly, who doesn't want to do this?! Don't lie I know ya'll have wanted to do this.
13) While getting pulled over, motion for the officer to go around.
14) Run for president with the slogan "I'll ruin the country faster than Obama. Vote for me!" And see how many people will actually vote for me. I have a feeling I'll at least get 15.
15) Follow someone in a public place and mimic every move they make, and when they turn around say "Can you help me find my mom?"
16) Do Dead Man's drop off of a street light with a super woman costume. If you don't know what Dead Man's drop is, it's when you sit on a bar and do a back flip off of it trying to land on your feet. Why a street light you ask? Because that way I can scare someone when I magically appear on the cross walk in an awesome fashion. Don't worry I'll do it while the cars are stopped at a red light and the little guy is on. You know that guy? The one on that one thing attached to the street light post? See I thought this through :) I'm not stupid.

Now ya'll might think, "She's only writing this because she's trying to be funny on her amazingly awesome blog." Well I have to say, "You bet I am!" Okay just kidding. These are actually things that I plan on doing at some point in my life. Some are completely out there and I don't know how well I'll be able to complete those ones but I'm going to do it, I'll just not take my bipolar medication that day :). I'm UBER excited!!! If I don't do it in my lifetime I'll give ya'll 50 bucks. It'll be in my will. I'll have it say "To anyone who actually read my blog back in 2013 gets 50 bucks if I don't complete that list that I made on that one day when I was in a crazy mood." Though if I word it like that my lawyer will look at my blog and say "Great this lady was completely crazy when she wrote all of her posts. How do I know which post she's talking about?!!!"

I'll have to keep ya'll updated when I complete these goals :)

Having a bad day?

You know those days where all of your motivation has left you and all you want to do is go sky diving, or stick your finger in an electric socket because it's more fun than what you are doing now? Today is one of those days. How do I get through one of these days you ask? A lot of Coke (not the drug, the soda) and an awesome s'more pop tart, drawing stick people being eaten by man eating sharks and being kicked in the butt with my kicking machine, and buy a Travelocity gnome after your husband says no a million times! (It'll be here in a few days and I'm bursting at the seams with excitement!)

Today nothing has gone right. I ended up taping my pop tart because I tore my bag and I didn't want my pop tart to dry out so I taped the bag not realizing that the tape stuck to the pop tart. Ever had tape residue on a pop tart? Don't do it, it's sticky and feels really gross on your tongue after you heat it up. Oh and starts a little fire causing it to be burnt. But you still eat it because you are starving. Bleh. Then the phone never stops ringing and people keep asking you stupid questions and all you want to do is scream at them "Did you even open the email?!" They reply "uh...no..." Then you want to shout "OPEN THE FRICKEN EMAIL AND READ THE INSTRUCTIONS YOU @!@#$^$%&^%^&*&^*&^&%$!!!!" But you nicely say "Oh dear, let me read the instructions for you and I will walk you step by step over the phone and help you." While doing this you're drawing a stick figure being burned at the stake by dripping boiling hot pudding on their 2 dimensional head. After a BILLION (no exaggeration ;) ) phone calls you realize that it's only 9:15 AM. GAH!!!

Yeah this is totally my day. Then I get home and my little girl decides not to take a nap, and I'm dead tired. So what do you get when you get a tired mommy and a whiny two year old? Let me tell ya, there were a few moments where I thought "Hmm...I wonder what would happen if I left you on Grandma's door step and door bell ditched you with a note that says "Yay for you! You won the competition and won me for the day"." But no, I stayed strong and had her watch Duck Tales while I relaxed on the couch with her.  After that my day actually became better and after watching the Duck Tale episode where Doofus becomes a super hero, Kiara was so enthralled with wanting to be a super hero that I couldn't help but get some dish towels and put them around our necks and fly all over the house.  That made my whole day worth it :) See even though there are some moments where life sucks, you just need to watch Doofus and become a super hero for your kiddo. So Kiara helped me come up with a great idea! I should come up with a list that will make my day a million times better:
**These are things I have decided that I am actually going to do on a bad day.**

1) Get a coke (every day should start like this)
2) Buy a Travelocity gnome
3) Play super heros
4) Repel out your back window (I'm uber excited to do this!)
5) Run up and down a mall screaming, at the top of your lungs, the lyrics to "She's a Maniac" while waving your arms like a mad man. (warning you might get caught by security and put into the mental institute, but I'm betting it's worth it :) )
6) Drive down the street blasting the songs that an Ice cream usually plays, and when the kids come, don't stop. (Oh don't do it in your own neighborhood and cover you license plate so parents can't call you in....yeah this is mean but I've always wanted to do it)
7) Hop on an elevator and just dance, play your air guitar, and head bang to the elevator music.
8)  Go to your office and prank call your friends and family (only do this if they don't know your number)
9) I'm dying to tell you this one but it's a secret that's actually going to happen really soon, and I'm way excited to try it out. Don't worry, if it works I'll totally have to write a blog about it cause it's going to be way fun, and funny.
10) Make up your own chicken dance and strut your stuff anywhere you please :) (You might think this is an Arrested Development idea, but I'll be honest I've had my own chicken dance since the 9th grade and it's the best, but I haven't done it since the 10th grade. So I have to bring it back :) )

If you guys think of any other things that will make my day better you should totally post them, and I will have to try them out :) I'm uber excited to give these a try! :)

Ever been in a meeting and have this happen?

I'm sitting in a room with 5 people taking notes on a meeting when I suddenly drift off thinking:

"Should I open my can of coke now or should I wait until tomorrow? I already had a can today, but this meeting is taking forever! Ooooo! I should get me another plate of food! Though...I already had 4 plates, everyone might think I'm a pig if I get one more. I know! I'll use a small plate! Looks can be deceiving, it'll look like I don't have that much. Ugh. I'm so tired! What are they even saying? Am I supposed to be paying attention? I know I'm supposed to be taking notes...Oh crap! I'm supposed to be taking notes!!!"
Boss:"Megan...Megan...Megan!!!"
Me: My head snaps up. "Huh?"
Boss: "I asked you, what do you think?"
Me: "Uh...well...I'm still thinking about it. I'm more interested in what you think about it." (yay for quick thinking!)
Boss: "I just told you what I thought about it"
Me: (stupid quick thinking) "Oh yeah!...?...Umm...I agree with your opinions."
Boss: "Great! Put it on my desk tomorrow morning."
Me: (OH $#*%)! I mean "...uh...sure."

Meeting continues...
5 minutes later...

Me: "Wow not a cloud in the sky! Wow I didn't know our blinds had a black shear thing over them! I was thinking "For such a blue sky it sure is dark" And now I know there is a screen there! Wow that explains a lot! Oh my gosh is that a bump on the back of my head?! *Gasp!!* Must be a tumor, I'm going to die!...Oh it was just a lump of hair. Ha ha wow I feel special, whoops! Glad no one was here to witness that bit. That would make a great blog post! The time I almost died!!!"

*Some one in the meeting says "Poop"....Of course my head snaps up...everyone laughs...They start talking again and I go back to thinking "Oh yeah death and blog!"

Me: "This blog is going to awesome! Hey I know! I can write my blog on the paper and make it look like I'm taking notes!"

30 minutes later...

Boss: "Megan...Megan!"
Me: Head snaps up "Yes, boss?"
Boss: "We've stopped talking, what are you taking notes on?"

DUN. DUN. DOOONNEEE!!!!

A Vacuum Cannot Suck out Depression but it can Help Alleviate It

So my life isn't all fun and games. I have some pretty bad depression. They say it comes from the bipolar, but I really know that aliens implanted a chip in my brain and they are slowly trying to control my thoughts and emotions. So ya better watch out because I'm gonna go all robotic alien on all ya'll some time! You know what would be awesome?! When I do become a robotic alien I think the aliens should let me morph into a giant unicorn with bat like wings and have a dragons tongue to whip people with! That would be Awesome!!! Anyway, my therapist says that I should look for different ways to help with my depression. So here are a few things that I have tried:

1)  I really don't like talking to people about my depression so I came up with a solution! I made a secondary personal email that is nicknamed "My Therapist".
So here is the break down: Your primary email is you as the client, and your secondary email is you as the therapist.

Here is my example: So I write this email to my secondary "therapist" email and it goes something like:
"Gah I hate my life! It all started with the Giraffe at the zoo! It hates me!! I'm such a doofus! I can't believe I wore matching socks today!" *Send*
Now it is my job to go into that secondary email and answer back the way I think my therapist would answer:
"Burn the Giraffe! Eat your socks! Run through Poison Ivy and hug your sister!!!" Mwahahahaha!!!

Ok that's not really how my real therapist would answer it. He'd probably say something like:
"The Giraffe hates everyone, it burped in my face too. Megan you are awesome and my most favorite client because you have so much *cough Craziness cough* I mean awesomeness that it helps my company." Yup I'm pretty positive he'd say that ;)

Some days this works, but unfortunately, it does not work all the time. So I have to resort to plan B.

2)   Read a Dr. Seuss book as fast as humanly possible ten times in a row. This sometimes works as a distraction, other times it can piss you off (but at least your not depressed, you're just pissed, see happy point for you!)
Now this can have some side effects; like feeling the urge to rhyme all day. Also, if you find that do not know what you are talking about, you may have the urge to just make up words that don't exist in any dictionary, in any language, and try to pass it off hoping that no one noticed your bull crap.
If you experience these side effects do NOT call your doctor. Instead grab a pen and paper and write a couple of books and make millions like Dr Seuss!

3)  Build a slide down your stairs and run into your wall as hard as you can. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea Learn from my mistake...always, and I mean always, send your husband down first! ;)

4) So you're driving and you want to drive off that cliff? BAM! Your car suddenly becomes a spaceship shooting all of the other cars down while you're going at warp speed!!! No one can catch you now! No one!!! Trust me it helps when you have a second person with you. That way you can have someone handling the back door laser guns to blast those that try to pass you.

5) Life sucks, and so does a vacuum. I'm depressed and I really don't want to get my butt off the couch, but I really need to clean. *bleh* *GASP* What is this sitting next to me?! A vacuum?!! Hmmm...I don't want to move, I have a vacuum with a hose extension next to me, and a laundry basket on the other side of me. I can make this work.
First thing I do: Turn on the vacuum, attach the hose extension, and put my mouth over the wiped down top and OUCH!!!! Don't do it! That right there is a new kind of pain. It killed my nose and ears from inside my mouth!  Apparently you cannot vacuum out depression from your mouth.
Second thing I do: Turn on the vacuum, attach the hose extension, and suck up the soccer ball that's 4 feet away, and plop it into the laundry basket.  Now I have cleaned 4 feet of clean carpet in front of me and I feel like I have accomplished something. Notice: This also works well for pure laziness ;)

Will I still be depressed after trying some of these? Eh, probably, but I tried and in some cases I even cracked a smile. Heaven forbid I actually find happiness ;).