Maybe, this wasn't such a good idea....

I decided that my house totally needed a slide.  I've been begging Chris all weekend and he kept saying no. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. This is what happens when I get bored.

This is what I came home to:

This is from looking up

This is from looking down

Now you may notice that there is a wall there at the bottom. This will come into play later.

So I went down stairs to the basement and grabbed all of our boxes, put them together and created a slide.

This is what Chris came home to:

This is the view point of looking up

This is the view point of looking down

This is my "soft" landing

So in theory this is an awesome slide!!! 

Here is test run #1 (I hope these videos work. Notice my awesome home made helmet?! Yeah it's an Angry Bird Pig!!):

Yeah....The stairs were a little steeper than I thought they were.  

So after a few "adjustments" Here is test run #2:

Yeah the "soft" landing really wasn't soft, but it did save my head from going through the wall, and the "adjustments" didn't hold up either. (Awesome! You can totally see that we still have our Christmas tree up! I think we'll keep it up until December 24th then take it down ;) )

Needless to say, Kiara was not allowed to ride on the big kid slide. But this was wicked fun! I went on it a few more times before I had to leave for my first baseball game.  In the end Chris and I ended up destroying it, apparently it was too complicated to get up the stairs. *Sigh* I knew I should have borrowed my dad's rope and made a pulley system to pull us up.

So note to self: Next time I build a slide make certain the stairs aren't really steep, and maybe cut a hole in the wall.

Some wives do dishes and make dinner for their husbands.  Well, I do dishes and make awesome deathafying slides for mine!!! Chris totally appreciated it! 

Random.....Seriously?! You're gonna read this....Seriously?....Wow

Don't say I didn't warn you....(hint the warning is in the title)

My finals are done, I have a free summer (well I mean besides having a kid, and husband to take care of, work, and being awesome)....Now what?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do!! I'm going to write a blog and finally become an obsessive blogger!!!! Yay for obsessive blogging!!!

Wow this is going to be a lame blog if I talk about that.

I need a life

But really....what should I do?!

(WHOA totally weird! I was back spacing and you know how it usually only erases one letter at a time?! Well randomly my back space button erased a WHOLE WORD at ONE time rather than letter by letter!!! Isn't that awesome?!!!....well I thought it was awesome.)

You know what? I think this is just going to be a random post, just because I feel like it.

I'm in one of my mixed moods so I'm going in between "MY LIFE ROCKS, I'M THE MOST AMAZING PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!" to "I have a rock and I'll throw it at your head if you look at me." So this might be a thing of I hate every thing to I LOVE ALL OF THE AIR MOLECULES IN THE WORLD!!! 

 I'm really just sitting here staring at my computer thinking....well....a million things but the thoughts are going by too fast that I can't really catch the full thought. I have thoughts that are like "Who the heck thought of unicorns and why do they, hey I would love some corn on the cob with, Gah life sucks because, That woman who passed by smelt like, this is never going to, I need a, all I can think about is my, I really need to sit here and think about, Ah screw it, you know what? I love hair nets and, someday I'll stop..., How do fish see in the dark with salty water and what, I need to invent a time mach, I'M AWESOME!!!!"  (FYI all of my thoughts end with I"M AWESOME!!!) 

Oh by the way i totally passed my Behavioral Stats class which freaking rocks!!!! Yeah I'm awesome! 

But really, where did the myth of unicorns come from? 

Have you ever thought what it would be like if you were strapped to a windmill during a hurricane? Talk about roller coaster!!!! I think it would be a ton of fun! 

OH fun thought!!!! Did you know that when The 3 Musketeers  and the Milky Way candy bars where invented they got the packaging mixed up?! The Milky way wrapper was supposed to go on the 3 musketeers because it's, Milky and the 3 Musketeers was supposed to go on the Milky way because it's 3 elements Caramel, Nugget, and Chocolate! Yeah that's mind blowing huh?!!!

I also know how salt water taffy got it's name!!! 

If you attached a parachute to a smart car and drove it off a cliff do you think the parachute will hold the car up and help it land safely or do you think it will still fall at deathly speeds?

If you stretched out your tongue every day would it stretch the muscles causing your tongue to become longer? Wouldn't that be a sight to see! The world's longest tongue that has to be rolled up to fit in someone's mouth!!!

Exclamation points today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (see !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Wow this post sucks, but I'm still going to post it. Why?....Because right now I'm like "my thoughts are awesome and everyone loves me!" (even though who ever's reading this is like "WOW this person is a loony! I'm so glad I only know her in cyber world.")

OH! I have a peanut butter and jam sandwich in my purse!!! 

I saw the cutest little fluffy stuffed animals yesterday at Hobbie Lobby!!! I NEED ONE!!! They were neon and so BIG AND FLUFFY (I said that with a gruff happy voice) and they make the cutest high pitch sounds ever!!!! Me and Kiara played with them for a long time :)

If there really were vampire bunnies would they eat carrot juice or blood?

If I had seven fingers would I be a SUPER typer?!

If we played all of the songs in the world at once, what would it sound like? would it sound like a mess with a high pitch tone, low pitch tone, or would they actually harmonize in some way? Then how would we feel if we suddenly turned it off? Would we feel out of place? Or would our ears be bleeding?

OH I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO MAKE A SLIDE OUT OF MY STAIRS WITH CHRIS AND KIARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well now that I know what I'm going to do, this blog is over yo!!!!

Now that you read this you are probably thinking "Wow this is 10 minutes that I'm never gonna get back." But think about it, if you built a time machine you could go back to this date and not read it, then you'll get your 10 minutes back. 

I think I found out where my money has been going!!! Future Megan needs extra money so she is using her time machine to come and steal money out of my own pocket!!! So that means one of two things....Either future Megan is really broke, or now she is really rich.  Wow something that shouldn't make sense, totally makes sense in my head! I think I'm on to something!

Wow people you seriously have to quit talking with me today because my 'MEGAN SHUT THE FREAK UP' Filter isn't working and after the conversation I suddendly think "OH CRAP!!! Did I really just say that to my boss?!!!!" Yup, I'm gonna get fired. 

Wow I don't even remember all of the things that I just wrote and I'm now just rambling....not that I wasn't rambling before...? I have a feeling  when I'm feeling more logical and I re-read this I'm going to smack my head and be like "Wow Megan, just WOW!" But that's ok because I'm not logical Megan right now. I'm out in spacey world playing with laser pointers Megan right now. 

Test + Anxiety = REALLY BAD GAS

Yeah I'm going to talk about flatulation today (I used a big fancy word for gas! I'm rather proud of myself) If you don't know the definition of flatuation here ya go:
According to Merrium webster Dictionary Flatulence is:flatus expelled through the anus.  
Which is a fancy way of saying you just farted.
So if you don't want to hear about farts, I'd go to another post if I were you.

Anyway here's my story of how my final test in Personality Theory went....
I've been studying for this test all day (when I say all day it really means that I just cracked open the book for the first time ever and started to look over it an hour before class started.) Well, I knew that I was going to do a crappy job on this test, so of course I was feeling a little anxious.  As time went on I started to feel a little more anxiety because while I was reading the book I was thinking "Who the heck wrote this? Socrates?! This is totally in another language!" Then I decided to look over the syllabus and see how much this test is worth. Apparently if I fail, it would bring my grade down from an A to a C- (yeah ridiculous, I know.) So that adds on to more anxiety. Well apparently today my body said "Hey wouldn't it be funny if I gave Megan REALLY bad gas today just before her final?"  Apparently it answered itself and said "Heck yes!!! Let's do it!!!"
Now I enter the classroom and sit smack dab in the middle of the room. This room was packed, apparently some of the Saturday students decided to take the final on this day too. My stomach starts rumbling, not a good sign.  And when I say rumbling I mean it sounds like the Santa Ana earthquake just went off and dropped California into the ocean. So no doubt, everyone can hear it.  The test is handed out. Now this is when my body decides to have a little fun with me. 
Since I'm taking a test I'm not allowed to leave (Seriously, why is it that when these type of situations happen it's usually when you can't leave the place?) So I have to hold it in (I don't want to be the guy with the really bad gas during the test) and also I don't know how bad it's going to smell or if it's going to be a squeaky one, or an earthquake causing one.  This is a little more complex than it sounds, because now I have to concentrate on my test questions like "What are all of Freud's psychosexual stages and give an example of each one while you jump around and scratch your left foot" while holding in a fart. Yeah this isn't going to go so well, because you need full concentration to do both, and you can't have full concentration if you have to do two things at once.  So this is what I looked like while holding in a fart: Eye's squeezed shut, hands in a fist, twisted look on my face, butt clenched, body tense, and body starting to spasm out.  I hold this pose for at least a minute, or what really seems like an eternity, and it doesn't work... It was a bad one. A skunk would have been proud of me.  My poor fellow classmates never saw it coming.  Nobody even had a chance to escape.  I could have warned them, but then they'd know that it was me (well I can't have that happen). Luckily they were silent farts so maybe, just maybe they wouldn't know it was me, even though you can still hear my stomach rumbling away. (Maybe they'll just think I'm really hungry).
After this I try my best to hurry up the test but the stupid teacher decided to throw in some short essay questions (of course).  So it turns out that I'm doing this for just about an hour.  By the end I think my fellow classmates ended up burning their clothes because the stench wouldn't come out. So I finish and I turn in my test.  See now here is the best part. I hate my teacher, she's an idiot.  I mean class was dreadful and I am sooooo glad it is over with. So after I turn in my test to my teacher, I just decided "Why the heck not?!" And I let out the worst fart you have ever smelt in your life, right next to her and I ran out the door. It was a proud moment for me.

I love how I post things like this on my blog. Talking to a computer, totally awkward, but telling people about my bodily functions, totally okay.  (That was sarcastic and I'm kind of rolling my eyes).  :) 

Don't read! I'm Focusing!!!!

Focus Megan, Focus!!!

Finals are this week, and what am I doing? Blogging, Facebooking, Killing my self with so much anxiety that I'm about to explode!!!!



I have major anxiety so what do I decide to do? Study? No that would be too easy and might actually get rid of this anxiety that I want to keep for the rest of my life.  So I decide to go through two HUGE (when I say huge I mean HUGE, think of the biggest thing you can think of and.....seriously, you're gonna think of Mount Everest? OK maybe down size it just a hair....Now ya got it! Good job!!! Two stars for you!!!) Boxes of everything I decided to save since I was in 9th grade.

I have a certain ninth grade teacher to thank for this because they said "Definitely keep all of your high school  work, because you never know when you'll need it." Ninth grade teacher, I hate you, because guess what 9th grade Megan did? Yeah I saved every homework assignment that I EVER did. This includes: Math, English, History, Geography, Dance, PE, Biology, Physics, Astronomy, Drama, etc. for 4 years! (Yeah...)
So do I just start throwing things away? No, because remember....I'm stalling, because I don't want to study.  So I look through every individual piece of paper and see if it's worth throwing away....Yeah I have no life.  I did this for 4 hours and what do I have to show for it? One empty box that now has no purpose in life other than to sit in my basement collecting dust. (Well that was it's job in the beginning but this time it's empty so it's a sadder story.)

Now that my needless sorting is done, what am I going to do? I'm going to write this pointless blog and then go for a run! Then maybe dishes.....

It's amazing things I'll do just to procrastinate more.

Hmmm....sort through my taxes for the last 10 years or study for this huge final that I'm gonna fail anyway.....Hmmmm.....Taxes it is!!!!

OOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo! Shiny object!!! Gotta go!!!!

Yup it's the birth canal's fault you hate moving.

I've come to the conclusion why people love and hate moving!!! Ok so hear me out, it might sound crazy at first but....well there is no but it just might sound crazy. But after this discovery I'm so going on one of those psychologist magazine front covers (if there is such a thing).

So I was thinking about why I hate moving so much and I came up with the conclusion, it's because I had a crappy time going through the birth canal! Isn't that an amazing find! (I know I'm a genius)

Think about it, it's your first home that you ever left.  I mean, you're just sittin' there, minding your own business hoping that whatever is feeding you doesn't send down jalapenos again (cause you're just going to shove that right back out yo.)  So you're chillin out in your warm, comfy home probably thinking about hanging up that picture on the second rib over there, next to your punching bag on that first rib. when suddenly you start to feel your walls caving in on you! AHHHH!!! Earth quake!!!! Duck and cover!!! Hold on to something! There's nothing to hold on to!!!! The walls are closing in on you, suffocating you! You have no where to go! When suddenly in the darkness you see a light.  You have never seen anything like this before.  It's so bright, but scary.  You try to turn back, try to get home, but you can't.  The pressure is pushing you towards the bright hole. You try to scream but you can't; there is fluid in your mouth that doesn't allow it.  Your new skull is crushing in all around you.  The pain is so strong.  Right when you think there is nothing left for you, it's all over, all hope is gone, you feel something cold touch your head.  The brightness burns into your eyelids. This does not help your huge headache that you now have. You notice that you're not the only one in the room, that's when you start screaming.  Twenty foot monsters are grabbing you and turning you around.  You look around and see some shiny sharp things that are moving towards your food rope.  You try screaming "What the heck are you doing with those?".  But no one can understand you.  Then your food line is gone, cut, lost forever.  So now you have been kicked out unwillingly from your first home, you are cold, blind, have a huge headache, and your food supply has been cut off. Psh and your mom thought she had it bad.

See that's why you hate moving because your subconscious remembers this horrible experience but your prefrontal lobe does not.  So when you start to move, or even think about moving, your subconscious tries to relay this experience but for some reason it gets lost in translation so your mind only understands that you hate moving but you don't know why.  And because you don't know why you start to come up with excuses like "I hate packing" or "I'll miss my friends".  But really it's because you had a sucky time going through that birth canal.

And the people who love moving must have had a rockin time going through that canal.  They must have thought it was a slip-in-slide.

And those of you who went through a c-section, you didn't have as much of a tragedy to go through but you still hated moving from your first home (or you loved it depending if you like moving).

See I'm a freaking genius!!!! Yeah I'm totally going to be on the front cover of "Psychologists Today"!!!! So next time your mom complains that she carried you for nine months you can say "Well yeah?! You're the reason I hate moving!!!" :)

How to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse

How to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse:

1: Forget about money you won’t need it. Just pick up the freshest dead body next to you and lug it around. Yup we’ll be trading dead bodies (aren’t you excited).

2: Find shelter: Now Zombies, depending on which Hollywood movie you watch, can jump uncharacteristically high or are ground lovers. This means you should have a variety of shelters picked out just in case.

3: Being Physically fit: this is another “what is really true about zombies thing” because they are either slow like the “Walking Dead” or freakishly fast like “I Am Legend” (I recommend to be physically fit so you don’t have to worry about it, but if you are out of shape just make certain you hang around people who are slower than you).

4: Transportation: If you choose a car, good luck. The roads will be so crammed with left over cars it will be ridiculously impossible to drive through. If you go by plane or some other flying object you have to be wary. First of all you must know how to fly. If you don’t then you better have a good friendship with the pilot (not one of those friendships where they will throw you out of the cockpit when they see a zombie.) Plus you’ll have to land sometime to get fuel if that fuel place is loaded with zombies then SOL. You could travel by boat but again with the gas thing (unless you want to keep rowing, which isn’t very fun) And then there is the whole if the zombies can really walk underwater thing or even swim then you’re toast.

5: Education: If you majored in Music history, sorry sucker but you’re the first one gone.

6: Friends and groups of people: Always have one “friend” you can sacrifice to the zombies (just make certain the rest of the group doesn’t think you’re the sacrifice. If they do, then it’s time to find some new friends. Though, you probably won’t know that you’re the sacrifice until the zombies are munching on your legs, so try to find out quickly who the sacrifice is).

7: Weapons: Gun control? Yeah that doesn’t exist anymore.

8: Location: Most people don’t think about this one. Where do you want to be when the zombies are eating your brains out? Would you rather be in the freezing parts of Alaska or have a lovely beach scenery in the Bahamas? What if you get a break from Zombie running? Would you spend your break running through the open fields of Kansas or Hiking the Alps in where ever the Alps are?

9: Intoxicating yourself knowingly with the virus: This needs a whole other set of rules because first of all you’ll want to do it secretly when there are a lot of unarmed people around so you don’t go hungry (but not too many people because they can gang up on you and kill you, weapons or not).

10: Finally the most important rule of Zombie survival: Don’t get caught by a Zombie you dummy.

How to have fun at the "Loony Bin"

So ya'll now know I'm bipolar right? (I mean that's assuming that you read my first introduction blog...) I'm going to tell you something that I don't tell other people (wow don't you feel special!).  I have been to what people refer to as "The Loony Bin" or aka the Mental health department wing of the hospital. Yeah, it's really nothing I like to brag about because I'm in there for well....being "mental". But while at this "wonderful", "happy", place I gained some awesome friends and we decided to have fun.  Why not have fun? I mean you're already considered a "loony". Why not liven it up a little?  So I came up with a list of things that I did that you probably shouldn't do....that is, if you're gonna go there some day.

Ok so things that I have learned not to do:

At the hospital they have very lame activities there, like coloring, boondogoling (how ever the heck you spell that), making hemp bracelets (that's a great idea! give us something to smoke when we leave), and painting ceramic thingamagiggers. Well, I got to paint a ceramic dog....it ended up looking like Cujo, in fact that's what I named it.  After I painted this one of the techs wanted to play scrabble with me (because I'm just awesome like that).  While we were playing I got stuck on a turn and suddenly referred to Cujo and said "What was that?"...."No, I can't do that.  That's not even a word."  Then the tech replies "umm...who are you talking to?" so I say "Cujo, of course, who else would I be talking to?" Apparently the techs frown on this and you later hear about it from your personal therapist.

Techs and doctors also don't like it when you keep changing your name on them. I had a ton of names.

I had an awesome roommate and we would stay up talking all night and we decided to leave notes in our window for the techs who check in on us every 15 minutes.  Some of the notes said "Come back in 15 minutes....we'll be waiting." Apparently these kind of things are ok to do. But it's not ok to put tooth paste in your mouth so it will foam up and rise up very slowly in the window while the night tech is checking on you. 

We had an awesome ping pong table and I was hitting the ball against the wall just cause I was bored when a tech came in and asked "what are you doing?" (really he's going to ask me that question? I'm feeding a lion, what does it look like I'm doing?) So I said "I'm in a tournament with Steve, he's kicking my trash." (since this was my second reference to being with a "person" I have reason to believe this is why they kept me an extra day...I'm just sayin')

In the morning the nurses hand out your medication. Well, I was feeling particularly perky one morning and kept bugging the nurse saying "can I have my meds now!!!" like a million times really fast while bouncing. If you do this another nurse (the head nurse) will ask you questions about being an addict.  You will later be talked to by your nurse practitioner (the one who prescribes you the drugs).

When playing a get to know you game and you are allowed to ask any kind of question stay away from: "Do the aliens tell you what to do too?" and "If you could be an animal which alien would take over your mind and control it?"  (that second one just scares the person you asked, luckily I asked a guy who knew me so he was cool with it but others in the circle had different opinions) 

When asked by your therapist "What are you going to do when you get out?"  you shouldn't say "I'm going to go outside naked with hot pink stilettos and say "hi" to all of my neighbors!" Yeah I had to write a paper about what I was actually going to do. FYI that paper said the exact same thing that I told him :)

Also during craft making activities the techs really frown upon you if you make a noose and tie it around the ceramic Cujo dog you just made. (though the dog was so badly painted I literally heard it whine a little when the tech took the noose away)

This doesn't pertain to anything but, on my last stay I got a bed that moved up and down and vertically, and sideways! It was better than Disneyland!!! (they don't like you to play with the beds but I mean COME ON! It moves!) 

On one of my first times I was at the "Loony Bin" I couldn't sleep.  So i sat with my light on and just sat up, starring hoping that I could stare myself to sleep... (there was nothing else I could do, I didn't have a book and I couldn't write or color) when the night tech comes in and asks "what's the matter?" I replied "I'm plotting revenge on the aliens that abducted me and sent me here on this nasty planet!" 

So yeah if you're ever gonna go to the "loony bin" have some fun (As long as it doesn't get you extra days locked up). ;) 

 

Vinyl quotes I need in my house

You know how everyone has those vinyl lettering things in their homes.  I decided that I need some, though my husband doesn't really approve of all of them....I honestly don't know why.

The first one that I want is:

1: Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go and beat you with until you know who's in command (Fire Fly quote: we would also have a chain under lining this quote :) )

2: This I want on the outside of our door:
          In case of a zombie Apocalypse:
          If you are a zombie, we have already been infected so please go to the next house.
          If you are a live person, ignore what we told the zombies (we did that to trick them so they won't eat our brains) So you can come in if you'd like.
See this one would be great because if we really did become zombies it would trick people to come into our house so we could eat their brains.

3) "No! Everyone will tell you to let it go and move on, but don't! Instead, let it fester and boil inside of you! Take these feelings and lock them away. Let them fuel your actions. Let hate be your ally, and you will be capable of wonderful, horrid things. Heed my words, Goob: Don't let it go." If you don't let things go you'll be a GOOB! (quote is from Meet the Robinsons)

4) "You only say never because no one's ever done it" (This is of course, from Princess Bride)

5) Have a question? Google it.

6) Our family is awesomer than yours, because we have this awesome vinyl lettering that says so.

7) Welcome to the
     S: Super
     V: Victorious
     E: Excellent
     D: Darn right awesome
     I: Intelligent
     N: Never wrong
     Family.

8) Ok this one is for my car but I saw it one someone's bumper sticker and I totally want it : "My smart phone is smarter than your honor student"  I just loved it, it made me smile :)

9) Rules for having a temper tantrum (these were the rules that my parents lived by....and yes we HAD to follow them. But I would love to put them up on a wall or something :)
    1: If you slam a door, you have to make the lights shake.
    2: If you scream, the neighbors have to hear it
    3: If you stomp your feet, the floor needs to shake like an earth quake.
    4: If you're going to be dramatic you have to lay on the floor, scream, bang your hands and feet, and cry.
    5: The parents get to decide if you have done these rules correctly.  If you do not meet the parents expectations, you must repeat until you get it right.

10) And finally: Aren't you glad we didn't put up something that everyone else has?

See I think these quotes would be excellent for my house. I just have to convince Chris to let me put them up. :)

Excuses why I shouldn't run today

Ever had one of those days where you just don't want to run? You know, those days where you find every excuse in the book about why you shouldn't run.(I have these a lot)

I have come up with some of my excuses that have made or almost made me stop running (and yes, these are true excuses I have used):

1) It's cold, I mean come on there is still snow on the ground!

2) I just ate, shouldn't I wait two hours before I go running

3) It's too early (this is like 5 or 6 P.M. and anything before noon good luck waking me up.)

4) It's too late (this is about 9 P.M)

5) I can't find my right hand glove. If I don't have my glove I'll have a frozen hand and a crappy run.

6) My sock has a hole. I might get a blister.

7) Running....or...Plants vs. Zombies...hmmmm.....

8) I'm having a bad hair day. I can't have my neighbors see me like this!

9) I didn't shave my legs

10) I have REALLY bad gas.  If I run by someone I might be the cause of their death because I toxicated their air supply.

11) I'll get a sweat zit

12) My unders have been riding up ALL freaking day! I am not picking out a wedgie while running!

13) My inhaler is expired....Wow it expired in the year 2001, I might die by expired toxins! (oddly I'm still using it :) )

14) My shoes are untied and I really don't feel like bending down to tie them.

15) Well the Ragnar is in June....it's only April....I still have another month to procrastinate.

16) Is that a spot on my wall or a spider?!!! (literally spent a half hour staring at it because I was too afraid to move and didn't want to get up close to it)

17) This window hasn't been cleaned in like 4 years, maybe I should clean it

18) Chris made bacon (curse him! I actually wanted to run this time!)

19) I can't find my gray shorts! I could wear my black shorts but I really want my grey ones, I feel like they are lucky today, I have a good feeling about them.

20) My socks match (if you know me I haven't had matching socks since Jr. high because every time I have matching socks I have a bad day (I'm not superstitious or anything bad things just happen to me when I match :) ))

Although some of these excuses didn't keep me from running.  Like today, for instance: It was 37 degrees at 8:30 (Just before it was too late). I couldn't find my right hand glove, had a wedgie, a hole in my sock, and just ate ice cream.  Imagine an old woman hunching over, arms flaying around her butt, limping, and holding her right hand like it was on fire.  That is how I ran today (a couple of cars actually slowed down while passing me).  I came back with my shorts all the way up my hind end (FYI not a great idea on how to make short shorts shorter....wow say that three times fast), a frozen hand (and frozen legs, my grey shorts didn't give me luck by the way), a bigger hole in my sock, a nauseated stomach, and to top it off I ate a bug while running. That should be number 21. Yeah I knew I SHOULDN'T have gone running today.

21) I might eat another bug!

22) Also let's not forget about the monsters that come out after 7 pm (Bill Cosby! Love him!)

My version of why I got pulled over vs the officer's version

So I got pulled over awhile ago and I feel like I need to justify my story because the officer's version is TOTALLY wrong (ok, from my point of view he's wrong, his point of view...I guess he might be right...I guess...)

My version:
My mission was to visit the Mother ship, capture it, and bring it back to my base. I'm cruising along  when all of the sudden I notice that the Naglongotisticist aliens following me! I have to out run them.  They start shooting missiles at me. I try to dodge them. I start weaving in and out of the moving astroids, trying to hide from these evil aliens.  Unfortunately, they had ships that could go through these asteroids (which I thought was totally unfair). But my V6 mini Rocket was just fast enough to stay in the lead. As I'm weaving in and out of these asteroids I notice that there were more aliens in front of me.  I had to go faster in order to break through the wall they had formed! I pick up speed, by now I'm almost reaching hyper speed but my ship just wasn't fast enough! Oh no! I start to shoot my missiles at them but their ships are shielded by an advanced force field (this force field made the Starship Enterprise's shield look weak)! I'm not going to make it! My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.  My body was sweating, I was feeling dizzy because of the adrenaline running through my veins   I had no way out. Suddenly I notice a worm hole on the left side guarded by two white lines! The Holishnickiry Gods have blessed me with a passage way! Luckily the alien ships didn't notice the worm hole that was on the very left hand side. I immediately turn almost hitting a ship on the left flank, but luckily I was on his blind side, so I was able to fly by them undetected.
I thought I had lost them, but they found my trail.  Unfortunately, I have a gas fueled rocket and gas out in space leaves a trail :(. The Naglongotisticist aliens were still on my tail! I finally hit my hyper speed button, knowing that my ship would most likely fall apart, but I had no other choice.  I tried to shoot my back lasers and hit them, but at hyper speed they wouldn't work.  Suddenly, I noticed the red and blue flashing lights behind me.  The Naglongotisticist aliens called in the big guys.  These guys are brutal I have never heard of anyone out running them and surviving. I had the option to out run them, there was a back allyway that I could take.  I knew it was a risky move as I was about to turn into this allyway my rocket ship was suddenly taken over by a magnetic field that killed my engine boosters causing me to halt abruptly. All hope is lost.  I would never be able to complete my mission.  The big Naglongotisticist brown alien came out of his ship and in a raspy voice said these exact words: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" My life ended that day. They stuck me in a prision called "Traffic school". It was the worst torture I have ever experienced in my life.

The police officer's version:
There was a silver mini SUV going 80 mph in a 50 mph zone.  This SUV was breaking the law, and as a person who needs to protect the law had no choice but to pull this person over.  He flipped on his lights to notify this car that they got caught.  The car in front of him pulls over (like the officer predicted they would). As he gets out he has to ask the generic question "Do you know why I pulled you over?".

After hearing my story, who's version do you think is more true, mine or....his? (FYI the correct answer, is mine.)

Why I never let Chris go shopping

Today I was feeling icky (you know that kind of icky, yeah I think you know). Well we really REALLY needed to go grocery shopping.  Our fridge was so empty that if we had mice the mice would have gone grocery shopping for us....hmm....that's not a bad idea. Anyway so Chris was a terrific husband and offered to take Kiara and go grocery shopping. I know I have the bestest husband ever. Again, ladies, he's taken! Boo ya to me! 

OK Chris gets home and this is the conversation we have:

Chris: "I bought frozen corn! We never get it so I bought it."

Me: "Babe, we don't get frozen corn because we don't like it, that's why we never buy it."

Chris: "Well I figured frozen is better than canned corn!"

Me: "Babe, you hate frozen corn, you like canned corn."

Chris: "I do?! Well.....we'll just have to have them side by side and then I'll decide what I like."

Later on....

Chris: "I also bought Zucchini and Bananas because we never have them."

Me: "Hon, we don't have them because we don't ever eat them when we have them."

Chris: "Well Kiara wanted them."

Me: "Kiara wants everything"

Chris:"Well she helped picked out the groceries."

Me: "You never let Kiara pick out our groceries!"

Chris: "she picked out the smore pop tarts."

Me: (I smack my head and think "this has to be a trick" I seriously can't help but chuckle)

Chris: " Well she helped me remember the kind of bread we get!"

Me: "You got the wrong kind of bread! We don't get that kind."

Chris: "Kiara lied to me! I asked her if this was the kind of bread we normally get? and she said No! So I got this one"

Me a little while later: "Did you get the diapers?"

Chris: "DANG IT!"

explaining my life is like explaining sex to a virgin.

Paha! You're actually going to read this, even after that title???!!! You amaze me, you know you're gonna be so bored with this by the end you'll be like....Really I just read all of that?! wow I have no life. So I'd turn back now if I were you.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sooooo.....I think my meds are wearing off, or my body is adjusting to them or something cause I am bouncing like CRAZY. Maybe aliens took over my body.  Yeah that's it.
Let me give you an idea of being in my bipolar life (Yes, these are actual thoughts) Ok during my manic episodes my thoughts go so fast that I don't really "think", I mostly just do. Then I get majorly depressed and I kind of sound like a dying cow complaining about life. It's hard to explain, it's kind of like explaining sex to a virgin, they get the knowledge of it, but they don't know what it's like to experience it.

(ALL CAPS MEANS SHOUTING AND EXCITING VOICES....all lower case means depressing or normal voices)

Manic:
I'M FRICKEN AWESOME, EVERY ONE WANTS TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY CRAP I CAN FLY!!!
OH MY GOSH I NEED TO EAT ALL OF THE HOT DOGS IN THE WORLD!
I THINK I JUST STEPPED ON MY DOG! OH MY GOSH I DID AND I CAN'T FIND IT! OH WAIT I DON'T HAVE A DOG!
MY CAR CAN TOTALLY JUMP THAT TRAIN, LET'S GO CAR! YOU CAN DO IT I HAVE FAITH THAT YOU'LL SPURT OUT WINGS AND MAKE THE JUMP! (Again this is why I'm not allowed to drive during this stage)
 I CAN DO A BACK FLIP, YES, I KNOW I'VE NEVER DONE ONE IN MY LIFE BUT SCREW THAT, I CAN DO IT! (Yeah after that moment I couldn't move my neck upwards for 6 months)
I'M GONNA JUMP OFF THAT!!!!
I'M GONNA SUPERMAN IT ON MY PARENTS TIRE SWING AND FLY!!! (see told ya I can fly)
GAH I NEED TO CLEAN (this is obsessively compulsive clean like I comb my carpets with a comb to make certain there is no hair on the floor clean)
I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR 14 DAYS AND I'M GREAT!!!!!
WHERE AM I AGAIN?
I CAN DO THIS, AND THIS, AND THIS, OH I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!! (yeah don't give me a project during this stage it wont get done but I'll have a million started projects!!!)

HypoManic:
YEAH I'M AWESOME!!!!!
I CAN DO THIS 18 PAGE RESEARCH PAPER IN 4 HOURS. GOOD THING I PROCRASTINATED DURING MY DEPRESSION STAGE SO I CAN DO IT DURING MY HYPOMANIC STAGE!
I AM SO FOCUSED!....KIND OF...WELL....WHAT EVER I'M HAPPY!
I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR 10 DAYS!!!

Depressed state:
Yeah I'm awesome....at being lame!
Gah do I have to get out of bed again?!
How many more years until I retire?!
Seriously, you want to talk to me right now....hold on, let me find my ear plugs.
I'm going to kick you
I haven't slept for 14 nights BUT I've slept for 14 days!
Bite me.
My world consists of bunnies that will eat you alive.

Normal state
I'M AMAZINGLY AWESOME!!!!
Yeah I can totally do that, but I'll procrastinate until I get to my hypomanic stage :)
EVERY ONE WANTS TO BE ME!
I'm freaking hilarious (chuckles on the inside and winks at my computer)
WHY DOES SHE EVEN HAVE THAT LEVER?! (emporer's new groove is ALWAYS going through my head)
seriously you actually read this?
OH MY GOSH YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS?!!!!!
Zombies are totally going to rule the world, but then once their abducted by aliens the dinosaurs will rise up again.
WOW THERE SHOULD BE ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!!!!
How would I kill a zombie T-Rex?
CRAP I HAVE TO DO MY RESEARCH PAPER!!! WHY AM I IN A NORMAL MOOD AND WHY AM I WRITING A BLOG??!!!!

Pa ha! See I totally warned you! I'm just laughing and winking at my computer now. :)

That beeping computer!

So I come into work and try turning on my computer.  Well everything starts to run, except for my monitor.  It stays black. Like night time black.  Like that 'oh crap I think I broke it' black. So I'm trying to see what's wrong (because I'm such an expert at computers....the big rectangle on the floor is humming and this little one on the desk isn't letting me get on facebook...hmmm...there is definitely a problem here.) So I start moving wires around finding the ones that connect the big rectangle to the little one and seeing if they are in tight, they all were. While I was looking at the big rectangle on the floor I noticed a red blinking light and I suddenly think "Duck and Cover! She's gonna blow!" (yes, I actually stood back a little ways and before I touched any wires I poked it with my pen....because my pen will save me from an explosion....?....I don't think I thought that all the way through at the time) So I put in a work order, via phone, for those magician genius IT guys who know everything about computers and the little aliens that cause viruses (You know what?...sorry tangent...but wouldn't it be funny if one of the IT guys said "Sorry this isn't a virus it's a bacterial infection, and we don't have the antibiotics it needs!"...I'm just sayin'....I would laugh (see that's why I'm not in that group, they would probably banish me for lame jokes like that. Even though I thought it was freaking hilarious)) So this was about 8:10 AM.  I understand work just started so it's going to take a while for them to get up here.  So I finish all my work that doesn't require a computer, it's now 8:30....crap.  So I decide to re-organize my desk, finally finished it's now 9 AM.  Still nothing from the tech guys.  Well I decided, because my boss isn't here today, to cover my bosses phone with rubber bands! Because that would be hilarious when she got back and was like "What?! Where is my phone?!" and then I'll bounce it to her because I made a giant phone rubber band ball.  So I got on the first 5 rubber bands on and then I realized that I do not have the attention span to do a trick this intricate today. Besides the rubber made my hands all sticky and gross feeling.  So I left the phone alone then decided eh I should still make a rubber band ball, a small one though.  Has anyone ever made one of those frickin things and made them perfectly round?! (I mean without a machine helping them out) I made mine and first of all it's a pain the the butt to start out, took me like 20 frickin minutes just to get the third rubber band on! Then it ends up looking like a football and I think "Well it looks like a football but I doubt it will bounce like one." Boy was I wrong.  I bounced it and it went in the other direction down the hall and I came running after it praying that no one would see me slacking off.  And I finally caught it then suddenly the president of the school that I work at, strolls out of his office. Again....Crap. So he asks "How are you?" Me out of breath and probably a little red in the face wheezed out "Fine." And I just left down the other hall yeah...whoops might be a good word for that (I hope he doesn't fire me). Well anyway I got back to my desk and it's 10 AM still no IT magician, I even tried starting my computer again to see if the IT guy did some mind trick from his office that would make my computer run. But no.  So I call them again, no answer.  I grab a bite to eat at the cafeteria down stairs come back and again, nothin.  Suddenly I notice I have to go to the bathroom! (yeah I wander all over work and suddenly having to leave to go to the bathroom freaks the heck out of me) Though when I got back from the bathroom guess who's call I missed.  Yup the magicians had called and I missed it.  Betcha didn't see that one coming huh? Well luckily I got back to them and they came up and started to mess around with my computer.  I even mentioned the red flashing light (Yeah I was worried about that thing).  The guy just looked at my monitor pushed the power button, nothing.  I'm thinking "So far so good I don't look like an idiot by not touching the power button" Then the dude unplugs it and replugs it and BAM! the monitor comes back on.  And my proud moment of not looking like an idiot was crushed like a bug on a rug.  So I ended up waiting for 3 and a half hours for a magician to plug and replug in my computer (yeah my two year old could have done that (which doesn't make me feel any better by the way)).  I still think that the little flashing red light is a warning that it's going to blow.  I'm actually leaning away from it while I'm typing this :)

Things I never thought I would have to tell another human being (probably part 1)

"please don't sit on mommy's head with a poopy diaper, In fact please don't sit on my head."

"Hold on let me get a tissue, NO kiara don't eat that.....booger" (she ate it during the ..... )

"Don't bite your cousin"

"Stop biting the table" a few minutes later "stop biting the chair"

"Please don't share your lolly with the dogs" Dogs take a lick then she takes a lick and so on.

"Don't share your ice cream with the dogs."

"How about we just stop sharing anything with the dogs."

"Wow you turned tigger into a mad scientist, blood thirsty vampire, for our daughter to color." This was to my 
husband :)

"why did you fart in my face then leave?" Oddly I've had to say this to quite a few people.

"Stop putting your face in the toilet."

"Kiara please stop biting the broom"

"Poopy goes in the potty"

"food does not go in your hair"

"No, food does not go in my hair"

"Get that out of your nose"

"Don't bite the dogs"

"Where are your pants!" 

"Get that gun out of your cousin's mouth" (fake gun of course ;) )

"Stop eating the soap!"

"Don't lick the electrical socket!"
"why are you eating your toenails?"

"please don't drink or eat the soap, the bubbles, or the bath water"

"Why are you biting my toenails?"

"Please don't lick my foot....or your dad's!"

"Why did you put all of my hair bands in the toilet?"

"You know....this is the third time we've locked ourselves out of our own house."

"How do we get her head out of the banister?"

You know that totally awesome day, which really isn't awesome?

Yeah so it has been an awesome day and it's only 8 in the morning! (hey! that's part of a quote from Tangled! I know this cause I just watched it with my little girl)

Woke up with my hair sticking straight up, like literally! (Don't ever go to bed with wet hair especially if you have naturally curly hair and it's short)
So I straightened it...yeah that totally helped (not!) Made it look like I had a straightened Christmas tree on my head.
Then suddenly it decided to go static like I rubbed a balloon all over it, so I decided to put my hat on to see if it would smash it down...yeah it totally smashed it down, now I had hat hair, bad hat hair.  So what do I decide to do? After dropping off my kid at grandma's house I decide to drive with both windows down to see if I can get a little more "fluff" again smart idea, right?
Oh let's not forget that it's construction season, so while I'm headed to work I get to go through this awesome maze of orange traffic cones following an idiot who is more interested in the construction workers and that huge crane they have. So I get to sit behind him while at a green arrow light (and it's one of those lights that only stays on for like 3 seconds so you HAVE to hurry if your the second car. Hate those lights.) So I'm honking at this guy who's fixated on the big crane, and...(the dots are an angry sigh, just letting you know, even though you really didn't need to, and I just made you read a useless sentence) we both miss the light.
So I come to work and the back of my hair is still staticy and the front of my hair is still hat hair.
Well while at work I have to go up to the third floor (I work on the second floor so I already winded myself by climbing up those 28 stairs) to go unlock the computer room.  So I go up another 28 stairs....28!...and I was a little distracted you know, trying to catch my breath and thinking about my awesome hair and all.  I decide to go to the bathroom and wet it down, maybe that will help.  Well the bad hair day still continued. It is persistent to stay like this FOREVER! Anyway, I go back down stairs when I realize that I didn't unlock the computer room! So I go back up the 28 stairs, catch my breath, and unlock the room.  To my surprise I apparently already unlocked the room and that small memory came rushing back to me.  You know like that rush when it's the end of your life and your whole life story comes rushing back to you (Wow that scares me a little, when I die i'm going to have a memory about me unlocking a door. Hmmm...that is going to be one interesting dying memory moment when it comes. I wonder what other awesome things I'm going to remember, maybe something like closing a car door or picking my nose, or something like that.)So back down the 28 stairs I go.
I realize I'm all alone in my little office (which is not an office it's a desk in the wide open spaces of the hall).  When one of the CNA instructors asked if any of the nurses were coming in.  So of course with all the lights being turned off I said "No, I'm the only one here. I know for certain this certain instructor isn't coming in (left out the name cause I don't know if it's ok to use it)" The instructor leaves, and suddenly all my co-workers decide to come out of the dark room that is across the hall. And then this certain instructor who definitely was NOT supposed to be here comes strolling up the stairs (not winded by the way, and this person is older than me, yeah, that made me feel better about myself ;) )  So now I totally look like an idiot standing here not knowing anything, and it's only 8 in the morning!

ummm...HI computer...? (totally awkward!)

OK I'm totally going to give this a try.  Mostly because I'm bored and looking for something new.  Well...that's about all I've got so far.
Sooooo......yeah
This is pretty awkward because I totally don't have an audience or anyone who's reading this (and probably never will, but that's besides the point) Well if I ever do get an audience, which I totally doubt, there is a couple of rules: 1) you can't judge my spelling, I'm not an english major (heck I'm lucky if I can even speak the language) 2) NO grammar checking, cause grammar sucks and I suck at it 3) No dissing on things I say, or what others say, you can totally disagree but no slandering people. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions (yes, some people have different beliefs than you and me, I know it's shocking and a little scary to think about). 4) I can make up as many rules as I want, cause it's my blog hahahahaha! I don't think I'll add any others unless if it's something stupid like "while reading this you have to scratch your left armpit" though that would be hilarious if you did (if you do you have to let me know, I'd think it was awesome)
So how does my life work you ask? (Really, right now the computer is asking me this question, yeah I'm totally hearing voices)
I guess I could tell you a little bit about myself...? Well, that's not awkward at all. (yes, sarcasm is used, because I'm talking to a blank page on a computer)
Ok. (deep breath) here it goes...
I'm married to the most wonderful man ever named Christopher.  He made a promise to me years ago that he would make me laugh everyday and after 6 years of being together he has totally kept that promise.  He's a great guy who I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with. Best husband ever for me.  I love him so much and I know he loves me more. :) Though don't let this fool you he's still a total smart alec but he's my smart alec and I love him for that (one of my favorite qualities about him) also he's frickin hot so ladies, back off ;) He is also the only person I know where gay guys hit on him constantly (I love it!) I'll have to tell you the story sometime about the time in Italy where this guy was totally hitting on him and when he found out that Chris spoke Italian, he totally started to flirt more. (I loved it).
I have a 2 year old kid who is very independent and gorgeous she acts cute around others (which is totally false advertising FYI (totally kidding....a little)) She does things on her own time and LOVES mommy.  Some days she wont even let daddy look at her (it's kind of funny at times).  She is curious about everything, like all 2 year olds are, and she's my life.
Ok now about me....hmmm.....this one is difficult....I'm pretty much the definition of awesome. Yup that's me.  I'm totally bipolar which was awesome until I got stuck on medication.  OK so I wasn't exactly the safest person, I mean during a Manic stage I think I can pop-a-wheelie with my car and I can barrel roll it off an overpass and land it perfectly.  Yeah I'm not allowed to drive anymore during these stages of my life.  I want to become a high school teacher and teach psychology, and I'm going to be a social worker (the therapist kind). Family is the most important to me.  I love using parenthesis even when they're not needed and I love doing the smiley face thing :). I hate using texting words (mostly cause I don't understand a lot of them). So yeah I think that's about it. OH yeah I totally love the ..... thing it makes it sound like I'm thinking through things :). (see that I used the smiley face :) )
That wasn't so bad.  Might have bored the computer to death, but hey, it's a computer (which will probably come alive during the zombie apocalypse and eat me, but that's not likely....right?....I mean, computer, you're really not going to eat me....(No, answer from the computer)....uh oh)
So yeah that's my story and I think I'm done typing. HOLY CRAP! it's only 10 AM today is taking forever! So much for wasting time, I really need to type slower, or just write random stuff so I can pretend that I'm working.  (The computer doesn't like this idea). I should give the computer a name...hmmm.... I'll have to think about this cause it needs a cool name (mostly so it won't eat me later in life cause I named it something funky like Ruthybakersly or Frank.) Maybe I'll just name it HP computer, though that might be an insult since it's a Dell computer.  Wow are you still reading this? (assuming that I have a reader on here). This is long and probably boring, I mean who really wants to listen about random crap that I'm thinking about? Which makes me reconsider this blogging thing, but it is kind of fun. Wow it's only 10:02 AM yeah I should probably get back to work....eventually.