My Costco Adventure

Since it's 1:30 AM and I'm wide awake, I might as well tell you about my day. Don't you love having an insomniatic friend? ;)

We were given a box of Costco sized diapers and my 4 month old decided to out grow them in the week we got them. All week I've been meaning to return them to get a bigger size, but I never had the time. Well today I got the time. The time was Saturday at 2 PM. 

Now I am not a member of Costco so it takes me a while to find the customer service to exchange my item. I find out that their customer service is practically outside. The cashiers are inside, but the desk is so close to the door that the customer line is outside. I see that there are a few people in line and I decide to wait in it with my 4 month old daughter who was in her car seat. So I wait. And I wait. And I wait. 

20 minutes pass by. The line moves one person. 30 minutes pass by. The line moves another person. Finally a lady comes out with a scanner, and starts scanning everyone's membership cards. I see her happily coming, and she is one of those happy fake high pitched women who has a comment about everything. 

Way too happy to be a Costco worker

She is literally commenting about everything every one says. And then she gets to me. She asks me for my membership card and I say "I'm not a member, these were given as a gift and I just need to exchange them for a bigger size." Then she gave me one of those disapproving looks. You know those looks where you're 28 years old but you wish you had your mommy there to hold your hand looks?

The disapproving glare that can freeze your soul

She was no longer happy-go-lucky woman. Her body became tense and then when she spoke her voice went down three octaves lower when she said "You will be given a Costco Cash card for the price it is." and then left. Oh nuh-uh! 

I wish I could say that I did something awesome like I tied her shoes together when she wasn't looking, but I acted "grown up" and let it go. But unfortunately, I didn't know what a Costco Cash card was and had to call her back and ask "What does that mean?"  Then acting a little annoyed she explained that I would get store credit on a Costco Cash card to go exchange the diapers. After dealing with "Pretentious Members Only Lady" and waiting in line for over 40 minutes my frustration and anxiety levels were beginning to raise. 

 So I get my Not a Member Costco Cash card and enter the store with my 4 month old still in her car seat. Apparently I entered the wrong way. Instead of heading straight into the store from customer service, I was supposed to go back outside and re-enter the store through the entrance way. I did not know this was a thing. So I'm carrying my 15 pound baby in a 100 pound carseat trying to figure a way to get through the cash registers to get to the actual part of the store. Normal stores have a chain or wire thing that you can just step over or go under. Not Costco. Costco uses carts that are pushed together so you cannot move them or go over them. To top it off Costco uses the SUV of carts so you can fit all your bulk items. 

In what other cart can you fit TWO kids in the top seat?!!

So there is no way I'm getting through. Rather than having a rational mind and going outside and entering again, I look to see if there is a break in the carts or register lines. I walk to the OTHER side of the store with my now 500 pound baby and her 2000 pound car seat and FINALLY find a little crack in between a cart and a register. So I go for it. I literally had to pull some Hulk move and lift the carseat over my head, turn sideways, and think really skinny to fit through this crack. 

I kind of regretted eating that half batch of cinnamon rolls at 3 in the morning at this moment.

Finally I'm in. Now remember how I said I went on a Saturday at 2 pm? Have you ever been to a Costco on a Saturday at 2 pm?! It was worse than going Black Friday shopping with everything marked down to a dollar! 

This is Costco at 2 pm on a Saturday

There are thousands of people with their SUV carts EVERYWHERE! It's as though everything is all chaos, but everyone understands the chaos, except for me. I put my 5000 pound baby in one of the SUV carts and literally run into every person, cart, kid, and dog there.

Then to top it off, I have to figure out where the heck the diapers are at. At this point my frustrated levels are so high that I'm just plain angry.  I am to the point where I start talking to myself and I am muttering all the cuss words I know under my breath. 

As I am walking I find out that Costco, when packed with thousands of people and not knowing where I am going, is the maze from Hell. After several minutes of searching for the diapers and going up and down countless aisles unable to find a Costco employee, I am just pissed. I am to the point where I am talking and cussing out loud and I don't care who hears me. 

Everything is getting to me. The noise, the crowd, being lost, not being a Costco Member, etc. Finally, I turn down an empty aisle. As I look down the aisle I see at the very end a box with a happy baby on it. There is hope. As I continue down this aisle I see that the baby is happy because it has a diaper on it's bum. My heart is beating faster! Could it be?! Did I FINALLY find them?! I get closer and YES!!! I FINALLY I FOUND THE DIAPERS!!!!!!

I am so elated!! No emotion can compare to the joy I am currently experiencing!!! Then it happened. As I am getting closer I notice the sizes of the diapers and....the prices. That is when I noticed the MAJOR price difference of the diapers that I had exchanged, and the diapers that I needed to get. 

Now I'm not proud of this moment, but it hit me like a bomb. I was Pissed with a capital "P" and out loud and without thinking I began to say the worst word I knew. As I was in the middle of my rather loud and elongated "FUUUUUU" my neighbors rounded the corner and said "Hi Megan! How are you?!"

All I could say was "Not good. I'm shopping at Costco on a Saturday." (or something like that, I was so embarrassed I don't really remember what I said) and left.

So....Yeah....I should probably pay more attention to what I say out loud in the heat of the moment....haha (nervous laugh)...whoops ;) ....Yes dad, I'll go wash my mouth out with soap (rolling eyes while eating bar of soap).

Being Pregnant was.....an Adventure. Yeah Let's Call it an Adventure.

WOW! I have not done a blog post since 2015. So long story short: I'm alive, my husband is alive, miraculously my first born is alive, and guess what? God saw fit that I should have another child! I know, scary right? It took God 6 years to say "*sigh*...alright, looks like the first one is still alive, I guess I can give her another." Then God said "This is going to be hilarious."
It all started when I became pregnant. At first I was happy, thrilled even, but then I found out that apparently my baby was sent down against her will because she made it known to me that she HATED being inside of me. Put some devil horns on this kid and you have a picture of my baby inside my womb:

This kid was a nonstop mover. One time she even kicked my rib out of place and right when I put it back she immediately kicked it out again. I told this to my doctor and he said these exact words "Yeah there might be a little discomfort, but it shouldn't be that bad." Okay mister, let me put a rabid squirrel with a sludge hammer inside of you and see how you like it. Don't worry, it shouldn't be that bad, you should only feel a little discomfort.

Oh, me and this baby had our arguments. I know for a fact that she understood me too cause I'd tell her to stop kicking me and she'd only kick harder. Every night was an argument. I would tell her it was bed time and she would jump on my bladder letting me know otherwise. No joke, I peed 5 times in 10 minutes. I swear she would hold my bladder, then let go, then kink it off again. And she only did this at night. There came a point where I'd just sit on the toilet for the entire night. 3 AM my husband comes in asking what I'm doing and I said I've been peeing since midnight.

Unless you're the baby in the womb and you have a loaded bladder

Now to top it off my baby was due in August. This was just one more thing that made me think my baby was not from heaven because my third trimester was in 100 degree weather. I figured she needed to transition from her demonic state so she could come to earth. As I contemplated if I was going to name this baby diablo or Kaylee, I looked around and realized other pregnant women. I live in Utah so literally every other woman I saw was pregnant, and every single one of them was smiling. Seriously?!  I decided that their babies loved being inside their moms cause they all looked like this:

See happy. They were ALWAYS happy. Sickening, I know.

Then there was me: 

See the difference?

Time stood still. I swear when I would look at the clock it would read 1:00 pm so I would do what I thought was 2 hours of cleaning, getting groceries, washing laundry, and I when I looked at the clock again and it said 1:01 pm. Everything took FOREVER. In my first month of pregnancy I literally thought I was half way. When the nurse told me I was at my half way mark I said "I don't think so. Count those weeks again honey, cause I should be pushing this kid out tomorrow." Time went by so slow! Whenever people asked my how far along I was I just said "I don't know anymore. I'm due in August, you do the math." If I really wanted to mess with someone I would say "Well I can't button my pants or see my shoes, and whenever I bend over I pee a little...sooo...2 weeks maybe?"

By the time August rolled around I had turned into a half naked crazed lunatic who if you said hi to I wanted to punch you in the face:

Let's just say I wasn't a people person this year ;)

This kid was taking her time. I couldn't tell if she was just super chill in my womb and was like "Nah, it's all good, I finally made some room in here. I don't want to leave now. In fact, I'm going to remodel and am planning on kicking that kidney over there to make some room for my new living room."

 Or if she was evil and just wanted to seek revenge and was like "Mwahahahahaha! I'm going to make you think you are in labor by giving you extreme Braxton hicks contractions, but I'm going to stay in here FOREVER!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Also, I now know why people name their kids Braxton, it's a reminder of all the fake contractions they gave their mother.

But seriously, there was a time when I was literally convinced this child was NEVER coming out. I even asked my doctor "Will she ever come out?!" and he responded "Well, so far I have a 100% rate for getting all babies out." He said it in a jokingly manner, but I was truly relieved.

So needless to say, when I found out I could force her out of me by inducing early, I took the soonest available date. Labor and Delivery wasn't that bad cause I had a friend called Mr. Epidural. He is now my best friend in the entire world.

Finally the kid came out of me and she remembered who I was. She cried when she first came out, but then stopped and was observing the world around her. Chris, my husband, held her and she seemed happy. The second Chris handed her to me she started screaming bloody murder. So I just said "I know we had our arguments, but I love you." and with that it was as though we came to an agreement and she immediately stopped crying. All was right with the world....or so I thought....Tune in next time to find out how she tricked me into thinking our agreement to stop arguing was for real. (Just to keep with tradition, next post due in 2019 mwahahaha!....Okay it might come out sooner than that, but it's 3:30 in the freaking morning and I have to go to bed.)