The best pee of my life

I had the night of my life the other day. My best friend took me to a work function where they rented out the Abravanel Hall and had Frank Caliendo perform. If you've never seen this guy I totally recommend it, he is hilarious. Okay...I just tried Youtubing (yes I made that a verb) and I couldn't find any stand up for ya'll, but you should Pandora him up (I am awesome with my verbage today!). Here is a picture:

Ok let me give you a little back story, I was really dehydrated that day, and my best friend also came with her new boyfriend. Ok back story done, now let's get you up to speed. All day I have been drinking water, a lot of water. 

In case none of you know what bottled water looks like, here you go.
But seriously this is how many water bottles I drank that day.

The show is just about to begin and I feel great, I am happy, and awesome! I was the one who got to pick out the seats and I wanted a great view and I picked out the perfect spot. The show started with an opening comedian and he was great, I loved him. Then Frank comes on. I was laughing so hard I was literally crying and my sides hurt so bad. Oh my gosh he is freaking hilarious. He was on for about 10 minutes, then it hit. I had to pee so bad! (Didn't think it would end up like this did you?!) I have never had to pee this bad in my entire life, I was literally going to explode. 

So here I am sitting trying to figure out how to make my escape when I suddenly realized that my perfect spot wasn't so perfect anymore.

Yeah this was not a good place to sit anymore.

Are you freaking kidding me?!!!! So now I am freaking out, what am I going to do?! I obviously cannot stand up because Frank would catch me and I would suffer utter humiliation and be banned from the Abravinal Hall for the rest of my life and they would never let me in again because I would be known as the person who leaves during an act. Then what if I get locked out?! I didn't know if this was like an opera and once you leave you can't get back in until intermission, and I knew there would be NO intermission this time. I am also a guest to this work party and I didn't want to embarrass my best friend in front of her co-workers or new boyfriend. I can just hear them now, talking with my friend saying "OH! So you're the one who brought in the person who left in the middle of the show!" I couldn't do that to her, and because I am such a good friend, I decided to hold it....this ended up being a bad idea.

Like I said it was only 10 minutes in, and this act was supposed to last for another hour! I have already started to sweat at this point, thank heavens I put on extra deodorant before I came. The show goes on and I am squirming around. Ya'll know that pee dance:

Don't lie I know you've done this

Apparently I got some attention from the people near by. My friend leans over and asks "Are you OK?" so I told her, apparently a little louder than intended because the lady next to me kind of shifted away from me in her seat, "I have to pee so bad!!!!" My friend, being the caring person she is, points out that there was an empty water bottle I could use. Maybe if I was a boy I would have taken that offer right away.

So another 5 minutes passes by and I have stopped laughing because if I laugh one more time Niagara falls would come. (side note did you know that Niagara means "neck"?!). Suddenly, I have to fart. SERIOUSLY!! What did I do to deserve this?! I am literally a vacuum at this point I am not letting any air out of me, I am not even breathing at this point.

I'm going to take a shot and say this is probably what my face looked like throughout the entire show

 My friend kept staring at me asking if I was ok and my only reply was a high pitched "hmmhmm". I couldn't take it anymore, and this fart was building! Another 5 minutes passes and my insides begin to cramp. I started to do the pregnant breathing now, but in slow motion. By now tears are streaming down my face because I am in so much pain, but I am NOT about to get up and leave, it's not about friendship anymore it has become about determination! (I didn't say it was smart or good determination, but I was determined to stay throughout the entire performance) So finally I decided that I could let out a little bit of the fart, that was a very VERY bad idea. First there was so much build up that the fart wouldn't come out so I had to push a little more (yeah yeah yeah TMI Meg. But seriously you have no idea!) well you can guess what happened next. Yup I peed a little, not enough, but enough to make me jump, tighten my legs and pray to God that it wouldn't show through my pants. People it has only been 20 minutes at this point! I kept looking at my watch praying that Frank would just be like "And that is all! It's been a great 20 minutes with you." Sad to say, my prayers were never answered, and it only got worse. By now that empty water bottle was sounding like a great idea. 

Finally another 20 minutes passed and it was a struggle and all I could think was "20 MORE MINUTES THEN I'M FREE!!!" By this point I can't even concentrate on the jokes that Frank is saying. The room has begun to spin, I am cramping like none other, and I swear I am going to die. I start thinking that it's going to back up into my kidneys and it's going to go septic and I am going to die, right there in the audience. Frank would be the only comedian to say that someone really did die because of his jokes. FYI I'm still holding in the gas at this point. Then the pee Gods decided to pull another trick. I had to sneeze. I am literally bawling at this point and I am drenched in sweat, but I was determined. I am starting to squeak and squirm because I know if this sneeze goes, so do I. 

Right now I am trying to beg Karma for forgiveness for anything that I might have done to deserve this. I am trying so hard to hold it in. I plug my nose and cross my legs even tighter (I honestly didn't think they could go any tighter but apparently they could) and I am not kidding you, my sneeze came out of my eyeballs! I couldn't make this up even if I tried. I literally saw some tears (at least I hope they were tears) shoot through the air and on to the person in front of me! GROSS I'm so glad I was not that person in front of me! Luckily, for me, they didn't notice but I really hope they showered after the show. I almost lost it right then and there, but I held it in, I bore this burden and I owned it! Nothing came out!!! I am still thanking the Universe or whatever God that took pity that day because it was only through unnatural powers that this waterfall explosion did not happen.

FINALLY after an eternity the show ended and I didn't even wait for the clapping, I just bolted out the door. I stepped on every single foot in that row and I didn't even care. I don't even remember how I got to the bathroom, but I peed for 10 minutes. 3 people used the stall next to me, that is how long I peed for. There is not enough words in the English language to explain the sigh of relief that happened in that bathroom, but it was amazing. Next time I think I will face the utter humiliation of leaving before I do that again. My lesson has been learned, do not hold in your pee or you will sneeze through your eyeballs and freak yourself out.