My battle with strawberries

 In January I found out that I'm allergic to strawberries, my most favoritest fruit ever! Horrible, I know.  It's my 3rd worst nightmare to come true! Even though I know that I'm allergic to them I just can't say no.  This is the conversation in my head:

Stupid Megan "OH YUMM!!! I would love to have that strawberry!"
Smart Megan "DON'T YOU DARE! Your mouth will go numb, you'll get nauseated, and remember that time when you ate too many and you noticed you could hardly breathe?!!!"
Stupid Megan "No big, you know I hate breathing anyway.  It's one of my biggest pet peeves."
Smart Megan "Umm...You do know that you need to breathe in order to live right?"
Stupid Megan "Eh, they only say that, but I bet if I hold my breath long enough my body will evolve so it can live and not breathe! See genius!!"
Smart Megan *bashing head on counter* "That's not how evolution works chica."
Stupid Megan "Of course it is, I took biology, I think I know what I'm talking about!"
Smart Megan "Well I don't want to be sick tonight so don't eat the strawberry."
Stupid Megan "But, but it looks SO goooood!!!!!"
Smart Megan "No"
Stupid Megan "Remember how delicious they taste and how the juiciness makes our mouth tingle?"
Smart Megan "Megan, No!"
Stupid Megan "OH. MY. GOSH!"
Smart Megan "WHAT?!"
Stupid Megan "Look over there!!!!"
Smart Megan *turns and looks*
Stupid Megan *shoves strawberry in mouth*
Smart Megan "What? I don't see anything"
Stupid Megan *with mouth full* "Oh darn it must have left."


How can I beat that conversation? Stupid Megan may be stupid but she's a sly one! hee hee hee. ;)

Being a mom has its moments

I'm rounding the corner, brush and hair spray in hand, I think to myself "I finally have her! There is no escape! I only have 15 minutes before we have to go, I can do this!" Suddenly my little orphan looking child runs under my legs and down the hall.  I start running after her yelling "Get back here! We need to go!!" I hear the tiny feet run down the stairs. I follow her, skipping every other stair along the way.  I see a white dash go into the kitchen. Ah ha! This is where I can corner her! I walk over as quietly as I can, I crouch down beside the counter top.  I say Hmm. I wonder where Kiara could have gone?" Suddenly I hear the pitter patter of her tiny feet coming my way. I jump out and right when I think I'm going to reach the collar of her shirt she bolts under the table, I try chasing her but I slip and fall on top of the table knocking the wind out of me! She takes off out of the kitchen with lightning speed.  My 15 minutes are up, we have to go. I've had enough, I put down my weapons and listen very carefully. I know she's here some where.  I hear a door close from the upstairs.  I creep up the steps silently but with ninja speed. I stop and listen again. I hear some papers being stepped on.  She's in the office. I burst open the door and flailing my arms like a mad man, finally catching her by the pants I hoist her over my shoulder and rush out the door.  We get to grandma's house when suddenly grandma says "Hey Kiara, would you like me to do your hair." and Kiara replies "Yes!" and hands grandma the brush. My jaw drops and I just glare at the two of them. I know they set this up, I just know it.

I'll admit it, I'm not the best mom in the world (I know this is quite a shock to most of you ;) )   But there are times when I just don't know what to do with my child.  I love my girl she is my life, but there are some instances when I'm reviewing those medical bills to see where the refund policy is.

I am having a hard time disciplining my child. I know I'm doing something wrong because nearly every time Kiara is in timeout I always want to join her because she makes it look like so much fun. She'll just sit there playing with her hands and feet, telling stories to herself, and then she'll start laughing at times. I don't mind if she does this just as long as she learned her lesson. Sometimes she learns the lesson after the first timeout, but others it takes her about 5 - 100,000,000 times to learn the lesson.  For instance 'No biting' is apparently  one of the harder rules to follow.  You really wouldn't think it would be that hard of a rule to follow.  Apparently Kiara must think that Chris and I taste really good....great I'm raising a cannibal....Anyway, this morning Chris was lying in bed with his feet exposed when suddenly Kiara randomly bit his toe.  Chris screamed out of surprise and there at the end of the bed is an "innocent" looking Kiara with her chin in her hands, smiling like an angel with a look in her eyes that says "Awe, look daddy I'm cute. You wouldn't punish a cute girl like me, now would you?"

I have found out that I need to be one step ahead of this girl, or I'm toast. So here is my guide of how to handle things without really handling them, but you still keep your sanity:

Notice: Before following this advice it's ok to curse, go to your room, scream in your pillow, and eat a lot of chocolate.

When your child draws on the wall, don't bother cleaning it, because you know when you clean it they're just going to do it again.  Instead put a picture frame to surround the "beautiful" drawing and let them continue coloring in the frame. Now you have a beautiful Picasso original art piece in your own home! Now what to do when you decide to move? Leave the picture frame up so others will be deceived and think it's a picture and when they buy the place you can remove the picture frame and now it's the new owners problem to fix it. Problem solved.

What about tearing up the family photo book? That's an easy craft one.  The pictures are already ruined so what's the point of repairing them? Instead put your child to work. Grab a poster board, cover it with glue, and let your child place all the pieces of torn photos together on this board. Then afterwards instead of washing the glue off of your child have a pillow fight and if your feather pillow comes undone and feathers stick to your child just bring Old McDonald to life.  This way you have a collage of your family and you have a perfect memory of your child doing the chicken dance.

What if your child floods the bathroom? Eh no worries! Yeah you may have some floor damage, but so what? You have insurance right? (this is all said with sarcasm by the way) Well what better time to teach your child how to mop a floor properly?! Slap a sponge on that kid's butt, knees, and elbows and let them scrub down the floor.  When your spouse gets home they will be impressed with the amazingly clean floor and your child will probably be pooped out on the couch sound asleep.

Your kid ate all of your sour patch kids and drank your 20 oz bottle of coke? Time to visit grandma!!!

See these things will help keep your sanity, and help build a closer relationship with your child :)

Pa ha! Easy as pie right?! *sarcasm*
(Why is that a saying? "Easy as pie"? Has anyone ever tried to make pie? It is not easy! Then trying to eat it, depending on the pie, it can be quite messy! Sorry, random tangent.)

I can "fix" it!!!

I have to express my frustration towards my car DVD player (dumb thing).  We have a little bit of a hate, hate relationship. But it apparently loves Chris.

I don't know where I would be without my husband.  Well...I'd probably still be in Utah, or a bum in the Caribbeans, or I'd try to see if there really are south pole elves (I already know there are north pole elves), also while I'm down there I would totally build the biggest snow fort ever and scribble markings on the inside so I can freak out the scientists and make them believe that aliens just landed there and are trying to communicate with us. Other than that I don't know what I'd do without Chris :).
I can do handy work like paint a house, remodel a closet, hang a picture (oddly that one's the hardest for me) but I can't do anything that involves technology. Unfortunately, I have a distorted belief that I can fix technological things.
Let me give you a perfect example of how technologically retarded I am, I'll actually use an example from this very second! I am on my computer right now and am frustrated as heck because I can't figure out how to change my internet home page from this stupid AVG.com to Google.com (cause Google ROCKS!!!).  Oh! Actually you can also refer to my other post The big rectangle thing and the little rectangle thing. That'll help you understand a little bit more of my specialness.
So because of this disillusion, I decide to take it upon myself to "fix" our DVD player in our car.  I was awesome! I did all of the research needed, studied it out, and got all of the tools prepared to doctor it up.  I took out the DVD player, and that's where it all went wrong.
This is my thought process after I take it out:

"What the....?! The youtube video didn't say anything about multiple wires!"

"None of these wires are marked!!!"

"It's ok, I'll just stick this black wire in this hole, and this other black wire in this hole, and I think the yellow
wire goes into the yellow hole, and voila!" Nope.

"OK let's rearrange the wires! This black wire goes in this hole, this other black wire goes in this hole...wait a minute, isn't that the same black wire I stuck in here last time? What happened to the yellow wire! Where the heck did this square plug come from?!!!!"

"Stupid..*grunt*.... son of a....*double grunt*... I really hate you...*rawr!!!*... curse you, if you don't work I'm gonna make you wish you did!...OUCH!!!! YOU STUPID LITTLE FRICKEN, INANIMATE OBJECT I'M GOING TO THROW YOU ACROSS THE GARAGE!!!!"

***an hour and a half later***

I finally hit the stupid thing, and shout in a very threatening voice "FINE I HATE YOU ANYWAY!!! I'LL LET CHRIS HANDLE YOU!!!"
I said a few other special words but I can't write them on here because my mom reads my blog.

I totally thought I broke it, but I didn't care, it deserved to die anyway.

So Chris comes home from a long day at work and finds the inside of the car a mess and completely taken apart. He just sighs and says "I'll fix it tomorrow."

Tomorrow comes and Chris fixes the friggin' thing in 10 minutes. Not gonna lie I hate him a little bit, because here I was for what felt like 10 hours  and he comes in and works on it for 10 minutes and saves the day. Yeah I totally whispered to the DVD player "Just you wait, when Chris isn't looking, you're all mine." But I have to admit I am so GRATEFUL for Christopher! Oh and he fixed my internet home page to Google!!!

I think Chris's soul dies a little when ever something goes out like our blue-ray player, computer, TV, etc., because I always say "OOOOoooooooo!!!!! I can fix it!!!" It's only a few wires to move, how hard can it be? And yet Every time Chris still ends up cleaning up my mess, which is now a bigger mess because of me. But don't worry this doesn't discourage me from trying to fix more things! You get better with practice right?...Is it still practice when you're completely oblivious to what you are doing?...

I'm a Creative Bacooker!!!

I never knew butter could explode like that!!! I put it in the microwave for 30 seconds and with 6 seconds left to go BOOM!!! As I'm cleaning up the buttery mess I'm thinking "Wow this is a metaphor of my cooking, and baking!" (I still don't know what the difference is between cooking and baking, you're still making something out of something. I should call it bacooking yeah that sounds better than coobaking.) My grandma (who is an amazing bacooker!) literally rolls over in her grave every time I bacook.

I like to think of myself as a "creative" cook.  When something goes wrong, I fix it. If I don't have the ingredient, I don't run to the store, I just grab something that looks like the ingredient and put it in.  See creative! **FYI if you're making chocolate fudge ice cream topping and it says use "Evaporated Milk" Don't use "Sweetened Condensed Milk". The fudge will become a brown alien that will eat out your insides and cause you to wish you were dead.**

See this butter that exploded was supposed to be melted butter for my Cheesecake out of a box dessert. Ever tried that Jello no bake stuff it's AMAZING!!! I've made this like 5 or 6 times already so I should be a professional. Nope. Today as I was making my no bake cheesecake from a box and I apparently miss-read the directions and instead of mixing in 2 Tablespoons of sugar I put in 2 Cups of sugar.
Ok I can fix this.
The graham crackers and sugar are mixed together, I'll just grab a strainer and strain out the sugar....Did not think about the fact that the graham cracker grains are the same size as the sugar grains. Everything went through the strainer.
Ok I can still fix this.
It says to add 5 Tablespoons of butter, since there is more sugar and it's now a bigger batch, let's add in 8 Tablespoons of butter!
Crap, too much butter.
No big I'll just add in a little bit of sugar and dry it up. Ok I might have a "little" too much crust....The crust is level with the top of the pie pan. Do I take out half of the crust and throw it away? Nope! I'm not gonna waste all of that time and money and throw it in the garbage! I'm going to become "creative" again and make a masterpiece! I made my cheese cake into a cheese pie!

I tried to cut in "I'm awesome" but it didn't turn out so good
so  I wrote "I Rock" With Tooth picks :) 

OK it's still a cheese cake but it now has crust on the top and bottom! It's like buried treasure! Where is the cheese part? Oh my gosh it's in the middle! Yay, you found the buried treasure!!! Then miniature fireworks would explode and tiny streamers will shoot out of the cheese pie/cake.

Most of my bacooking ends up like this. This is why I'm always assigned to bring the bagged salad to the parties :)


**Update**
This was so delicious!!! I think I got diabetes with the first bite! Chris and I have already eaten half the pie/cake. Who knew that 3 cups of sugar and a stick of butter could taste so delicious.

Please let them be oblivious to me

You know those times when you think "Oh crap I really hope they didn't see me!" I have waaaayyyyy too many of those moment. I think we need to find some sort of an excuse to get out of these moments, you know, something to throw them off for a bit, or at least have fun with it.

For instance:
You're drinking out of a water bottle with it's lid still on.  Your husband sees you and says "Did you just try drinking that water with the lid still on?" Rather than lying and saying "no" because you know he just saw you do it, you should say "maybe, but in an alternate universe that water bottle could have bitten off my head." Then leave the room. (I wish I thought of this excuse when Chris asked me)

OR!
When you're late for class and you're flying down the interstate going 90 when suddenly there is an idiot in front of you going 65 in the fast lane, and you can't get around them.  So you start making hand gestures and screaming obscene things at the top of your lungs like they can hear you. Suddenly, you get a gap big enough in the next lane to pass them and as you glare them down while passing you realize it's your boss. Let me tell ya from experience, the next day is going to be VERY uncomfortable.  You could pretend that everything is alright and pretend that your boss never saw you, or you could do what I did and make the same hand gestures while you are walking behind them and every time they turn around you stop and act like nothing is happening.  When they catch you, and trust me they will, say "OH NOW YOU NOTICE ME!!!"

OR!
You have an awesome red skirt that you're wearing (This one is mostly for the ladies, but guys if you want to use this one you are required to post a picture for me!) and lucky you, you didn't do your laundry so all you have is your thong to wear for unders.  Yay for you!!! You're on your way to work and you get out and are walking into the building with some other co-workers (all boys) when suddenly a gust of wind blows your skirt over your head.  Now, you could just run away and call in sick to work (even though everyone saw the commotion and they all know why you left for home). OR! Well there really is not or because when you say "You could have some fun with it" kind of makes you sound like a skank. For my instance I just laughed and said "Dang it! Marilyn Monroe can still do the skirt thing better than I can. I always forget to hold mine down!" Luckily the guys knew me well enough to know that this was a joke. *phew!*

OR!
When you're strutting along at work and you realize that half of your shirt is scrunched up just above your belly button and showing off your cami. Just say you're sportin a new look Half cami Half shirt. I call it 'Chamirti' (sham'er'ti)!

OR! (wow I have way too many 'OR!'s)
You go to church for the first time in about 2 months after having your first child.  When someone walks up to you and asks 'how are you doing?' and in a really high pitch voice with the goobery sounds you make to a baby say "I'm doing just fine! How are you doing?!" ummmm.....yeah....there will be silence for a little bit, mostly because you're shocked that you said that to an adult, and the adult is in shock because you just said that to them in a baby goober voice. This is when you say  "Ah crap the aliens hacked into my voice software again! I'm sorry they really like that baby voice dial."  The person already thinks you're a weirdo so why not have fun with it? Luckily, when I accidentally did this to someone, they had a sense of humor and said "You must have just had your first kid."

BUT!
Then there are those moments with no escape.

For instance:
You talk with your guy doctor for a good while, about an hour, and then you leave.  Just before you get into your car, you look down and notice that apparently your cami decided it wanted to be lower than normal and show off the entire top half of your hot pink and black bra. Yup whatcha gonna do in that situation? My answer: Just get a new doctor, the dude noticed. Honestly, there is no way not to notice a hot pink bra, that pretty much screams "Hey person over there! Yeah you! How you doin'?!" It's not like you can go back there and say something cause that would just make it awkward for the both of you. And you can't go back  and scream "I was in here for about an hour and you didn't say a dang thing?!!!!" Again. Awkward, and a possible law suit.

I just love having fun in these situations. It's totally embarrassing, and not to mention totally awkward, so have fun with the experience. If you have fun with it, you can write a blog about it and be like "Hey guys I'm an idiot and I'm going to tell you all about it!" and people will actually read this! They'll laugh at you, but just tell yourself "their laughing with you". That's what I do! :D I know you guys are just laughing with me. ha. ha. ha.....? ;) Yeah I know, I'm awesome!

The Idiot Customer Service Banker (She represents my bank really well)

So my day has been awesome. A check for tithing was supposed to be written for $93.00 was accidentally written for $930.00 and was cashed. Whoops! I think that's a little bit of a difference, don't you?  Apparently we're putting a deposit down for that celestial room in heaven.  So I had to call the bank and review my account with them and this is how my conversation started (FYI there is no exaggeration here I promise):

Banker: Hello
Me: Hello
Banker:........(silence)..............1 minute.........1.5 minutes............2 minutes...........
Me: Ummm....are you still there?
Banker: What is your name?
Me: Megan Lewis Svedin. I need to let you know that my credit card is still under my maiden name Megan Lewis but my bank account has my married name Megan Lewis Svedin. I just haven't changed the name on my card yet. (I really haven't found the time to do this in the 4 years I've been married. ;) ) I'm calling because we accidentally wrote out a check for the wrong amount and it went to our over draft into our credit card balance and I was wondering if I could get the fee waived.
Banker:...........(Silence).............3 minutes...........4 minutes.............
Me: Hello?
Banker: What is your maiden name?
Me: Lewis.
Banker: So.......what is your Maiden Name?
Me: Lewis.
Banker:....No that's not what we have on the account, what is your Maiden Name?
Me: Lewis.
Banker: We have a different name for you here on the account.
Me: I know, it's because my account is under my married name Svedin but my card is under my maiden name Lewis.
Banker: So, What's your maiden name?
Me: Lewis.
Banker: We have your account under a different name.
Me: Is it under Svedin?
Banker: Yes
Me: Yes, that is my married name
Banker: So, What's your maiden name?
Me: Lewis.
Banker: But your account is under a different name.
Me: Yes, I know. My name was Megan Lewis but then I got married and it changed to Megan Lewis Svedin.  The name on my credit card was never changed so it is still under the name Megan Lewis but I changed the name on my account to my married name to Megan Lewis Svedin.
Banker: Is your last name Svedin?
Me: Yes
Banker:......I am very confused....What is your maiden name?
Me: Is there someone else I can talk to?

The banker puts me on hold I wait for about 5 minutes then I hang up.

I call back got someone competent:
New banker: What is your name?
Me: Megan Lewis Svedin. I need to let you know that my credit card is still under my maiden name Megan Lewis but my bank account has my married name Megan Lewis Svedin. I just haven't changed the name on my card yet
New Banker: Oh that's fine, let me look at your account. What can I help you with?
Me: We accidentally wrote out a check for the wrong amount and it went to our over draft into our credit card balance and I was wondering if I could get the fee waived because we're idiots.
New Banker: *laughing* That's ok we can waive it. One moment.
Me: *with delight* Oh Thank you so much!!!
New Banker: oops. Looks like the fee hasn't been posted yet and I can't do anything about it without it being posted. You will have to call back in a couple of days when goes through ant it's posted.
Me: *Hung up*


This was all just to see if they can waive the $12.50 over draft fee. I think I'd rather pay the fee than call them back.

Where Monsters really come from

Disclaimer: It's 2 AM, I'm dead tired, and I can't sleep. I have allergies like crazy and my eyes are no longer working but apparently my mind is and it wont shut up. I'm listening to the Les Mes sound track on Pandora which is awesome and very distracting, but I still need to get this out of my head. So if things don't make sense to you don't worry about it because it probably didn't make sense to me either, and I'm the one who wrote it....at least I think I'm writing it. To be honest I don't even fully remember what I just typed.  So yeah, good luck with this. (I haven't read it yet so I don't know how it will turn out. Actually I haven't even typed it yet so I can't read it to even know how it turned out.)

Lately I've been pondering where children get the idea of where monsters come from.  I mean they don't watch scary movies at 5, those don't come until 6 (I should know that's when I saw "Jaws" right before my first time going to the ocean...and my parents wonder why I have a phobia of the ocean...hmmm...;) ). So how do children learn about monsters? Here's the answer: The monster is the parent.
Think about it! When the parent goes into the child's room at night the child's mind knows something is there. Unfortunately, the child is asleep and cannot see what this object is.  The unconscious mind perceives that there is something in the room but it cannot see it. The mind knows that it's night time and it knows that something is there. Well the mind hates not knowing things so it needs a reason for this sensation that it is experiencing and labels it as a moving dark figure. Then later when the child goes to bed and the lights get turned out the mind regurgitates this "memory" of the dark figure. This causes the child to become scared because they are experiencing the fear that the unconscious mind felt that first night the "monster" came in their room. So having this "memory" and the associated feeling solidifies in the child's mind that monsters are real, and now your child believes in monsters.

How do you feel now? The child is afraid of monsters because of you! 

I'm still afraid of monsters, but for a different reason.  Apparently my parents and siblings decided to bring monsters to real life, because my family is warped like that (I love them but they are warped). When I was in 10th grade I saw the "Boogie Man" movie  and it was the scariest movie I have ever seen. I am still afraid of that stupid Boogie Man, but it's not because of the movie, it's because of my family.  I don't handle scary movies at all, I'm gutless when it comes to scary movies. After the movie I come home to an empty house and am freaking out because I know that the Boogie Man is watching me and waiting to pop out somewhere. So I'm frozen to the living room couch and I call my parents, because I'm not about to go down stairs to my room in the basement.  Well my family gets home from where ever they were and I feel safe enough to go down stairs and go to bed. Suddenly around 1 AM my sister comes running down the stairs shouting that she saw someone in our backyard. I run upstairs and go in my little sister's room and hide like a scared puppy in the corner, because I know it's the Boogie Man.  My dad goes out and checks out the yard, knowing full well where all of us kids were he decided to have fun with us. He decided to bang on the window. I needed a new pair of underwear after that. Well no one was in our backyard so I felt comfortable enough to go back to bed. I am almost asleep when suddenly a cold hand grabs my ankle. I don't even remember how I made it up the stairs because my heart had stopped and I'm pretty I was actually scared  to death at that very moment.  I will never forgive the fact that my lovely sister decided to hide under my bed and pretend to be the Boogie Man. Needless to say I slept in my parents room for a week.

I have plenty more of those stories. Like the one where my family tried to "help" me get over my phobia of spiders by putting a huge fake spider above my bed, or putting a fake life like spider on the shower curtain so it falls on me....yeah... again they are warped but again I love them :) They make life more interesting and fun.

It's amazing how things can always be traced back to the parent if you really think about it: Monsters, Why you hate moving  (Yup it's the birth canals fault you hate moving), and why you have trust issues because you found out that Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth fairy never existed and it was a big lie your parents conjured up.

See it's things like this that keep me up at night. Welcome to my night time thinking.