Being Pregnant was.....an Adventure. Yeah Let's Call it an Adventure.

WOW! I have not done a blog post since 2015. So long story short: I'm alive, my husband is alive, miraculously my first born is alive, and guess what? God saw fit that I should have another child! I know, scary right? It took God 6 years to say "*sigh*...alright, looks like the first one is still alive, I guess I can give her another." Then God said "This is going to be hilarious."
It all started when I became pregnant. At first I was happy, thrilled even, but then I found out that apparently my baby was sent down against her will because she made it known to me that she HATED being inside of me. Put some devil horns on this kid and you have a picture of my baby inside my womb:

This kid was a nonstop mover. One time she even kicked my rib out of place and right when I put it back she immediately kicked it out again. I told this to my doctor and he said these exact words "Yeah there might be a little discomfort, but it shouldn't be that bad." Okay mister, let me put a rabid squirrel with a sludge hammer inside of you and see how you like it. Don't worry, it shouldn't be that bad, you should only feel a little discomfort.

Oh, me and this baby had our arguments. I know for a fact that she understood me too cause I'd tell her to stop kicking me and she'd only kick harder. Every night was an argument. I would tell her it was bed time and she would jump on my bladder letting me know otherwise. No joke, I peed 5 times in 10 minutes. I swear she would hold my bladder, then let go, then kink it off again. And she only did this at night. There came a point where I'd just sit on the toilet for the entire night. 3 AM my husband comes in asking what I'm doing and I said I've been peeing since midnight.

Unless you're the baby in the womb and you have a loaded bladder

Now to top it off my baby was due in August. This was just one more thing that made me think my baby was not from heaven because my third trimester was in 100 degree weather. I figured she needed to transition from her demonic state so she could come to earth. As I contemplated if I was going to name this baby diablo or Kaylee, I looked around and realized other pregnant women. I live in Utah so literally every other woman I saw was pregnant, and every single one of them was smiling. Seriously?!  I decided that their babies loved being inside their moms cause they all looked like this:

See happy. They were ALWAYS happy. Sickening, I know.

Then there was me: 

See the difference?

Time stood still. I swear when I would look at the clock it would read 1:00 pm so I would do what I thought was 2 hours of cleaning, getting groceries, washing laundry, and I when I looked at the clock again and it said 1:01 pm. Everything took FOREVER. In my first month of pregnancy I literally thought I was half way. When the nurse told me I was at my half way mark I said "I don't think so. Count those weeks again honey, cause I should be pushing this kid out tomorrow." Time went by so slow! Whenever people asked my how far along I was I just said "I don't know anymore. I'm due in August, you do the math." If I really wanted to mess with someone I would say "Well I can't button my pants or see my shoes, and whenever I bend over I pee a little...sooo...2 weeks maybe?"

By the time August rolled around I had turned into a half naked crazed lunatic who if you said hi to I wanted to punch you in the face:

Let's just say I wasn't a people person this year ;)

This kid was taking her time. I couldn't tell if she was just super chill in my womb and was like "Nah, it's all good, I finally made some room in here. I don't want to leave now. In fact, I'm going to remodel and am planning on kicking that kidney over there to make some room for my new living room."

 Or if she was evil and just wanted to seek revenge and was like "Mwahahahahaha! I'm going to make you think you are in labor by giving you extreme Braxton hicks contractions, but I'm going to stay in here FOREVER!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Also, I now know why people name their kids Braxton, it's a reminder of all the fake contractions they gave their mother.

But seriously, there was a time when I was literally convinced this child was NEVER coming out. I even asked my doctor "Will she ever come out?!" and he responded "Well, so far I have a 100% rate for getting all babies out." He said it in a jokingly manner, but I was truly relieved.

So needless to say, when I found out I could force her out of me by inducing early, I took the soonest available date. Labor and Delivery wasn't that bad cause I had a friend called Mr. Epidural. He is now my best friend in the entire world.

Finally the kid came out of me and she remembered who I was. She cried when she first came out, but then stopped and was observing the world around her. Chris, my husband, held her and she seemed happy. The second Chris handed her to me she started screaming bloody murder. So I just said "I know we had our arguments, but I love you." and with that it was as though we came to an agreement and she immediately stopped crying. All was right with the world....or so I thought....Tune in next time to find out how she tricked me into thinking our agreement to stop arguing was for real. (Just to keep with tradition, next post due in 2019 mwahahaha!....Okay it might come out sooner than that, but it's 3:30 in the freaking morning and I have to go to bed.)