My Presentation!

Ok this is my post from Facebook back from September (I figured this might help explain why I had to do this presentation): "URGH!!! I have a cookoo teacher who fell off the fruit loop tree and she's driving me nuts! This is a research class and we have a final project where we turn in a proposal for our research question but apparently that's NOT our project. Apparently our project is to find our innerselves and things we found out about ourselves while doing this research proposal. THAT"S our "project" that we have to present in class. Our goal is to "find" ourselves. I want to have fun with this and suddenly find out that I'm a schizophrenic mass murder who kills innocent trees and flowers and I have to do this or Godzilla will eat me because my "friend" tells me so. I think I could do a pretty good "presentation" on that."

I apparently have a lot of issues with this teacher. I'm not going to lie she is a very nice and interesting person, but we do not see eye to eye on her teaching methods...you'll see this in a later post after my official grade comes out ;) 

Well today was presentation day. Unfortunately, I did not do the schizophrenic mass murderer thing because apparently this project was worth 150 points of my grade. But I had to relate it to my research question that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder can co-exist (most researchers say they can't). I had to explain my bias on this project, and as most of you know I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have some symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Yay me! My life rocks!!!  If you know anything about borderline personality disorder the symptoms are: reoccurring suicidal ideation, suicide attempts and self harm, fear of abandonment, past abuse, depression, etc. Exciting huh? At first I thought I could just read some things out of my journal but then I realized that I didn't want to traumatize these people, besides I still have to see them again next week.  So I was sitting in class talking to some of my classmates (I don't remember what about) when suddenly it hit me! I slapped my desk and stood up in the middle of class and absentmindedly shouted "I'VE GOT IT! I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO!"  Then I ran out of the class and got a drink.  I honestly didn't realize what I just did until I came back to class and everyone was very confused. The girl behind me asked "What just happened?" and I said "Oh I now know what I'm going to do for my presentation." I apparently created a concerning scene. On deciding what I should do for this project I thought why not sketch out my life on a flip chart? (Ok Chris was the one who drew the things but I traced them!) 

If you guys want to know what goes on in my head during these episodes you can click here and it will take you to my other blog post :) 

Here is my final presentation:

Chris wanted foam coming out of my mouth on the manic episode, but it looked like I was puking my guts out.

This is how far I think I can jump off a swing set depending on my mood

Actual comments from previous teachers

My ability to draw plateaus over time.

Tribute to Demetri Martin, and if I say so myself, my mountains are awesome!

This is why I was in the Loony bin. If you want to know how I survived the Loony bin click here

If you can't tell, I'm the one in the balloon. Chris is the one dangling. ;)

Yeah Siamese twins trumps all!

Needless to say I think I got an "A"! :D

Things that I am thankful for

So it's that time of the month...wait what I mean to say is...it's that time of year to be thankful for things. I love that I only have to be thankful for things one month out of the year, it makes me shudder to think if I had to be thankful for 12 months out of the year! So let's get to business shall we?

I am thankful for...

1) My husband

2) My baby girl

3) My friends and family which includes everyone who I'm close to and love

I have to say these ones because if I don't say them then society will consider me a heartless individual who will eventually turn into a sociopath and murder innocent bunnies. Which after the Rabbit story I might get a little joy out of it. Though I can't lie, the top three things are the most important things to me :)...well, and maybe number 4 ;)

4) Antonio Banderas, Jason Isaacs, and Cary Grant. Great actors and mmmmhhhmmmm! I can't wait to see them in my dreams! They are going to be in my heaven when I die :D

5) When ever I lose my phone. Blech I hate feeling like I'm attached to it. Unnecessary side note: I HATE voice-mails. FYI if you leave me a voice-mail I will most likely not listen to it for about 3-4 weeks. So if it's an emergency and you get my voice-mail call Chris or someone else cause I won't come help you push your car for another 3 weeks.

6) Any shoes without shoe laces

7) Coke, Twinkies, Strawberries, and Sour Patch Kids. (Because of these, people are still alive today because I didn't kill them on my bad days ;) )

8) Starbucks hot chocolate

9) McDonald's fries and wanky 89 cent burger

10) Calvin and Hobbes Comics. They are the best, especially the snowman ones!


11) Writing research papers...I'm a bit of a nerd.

12) While proof reading my assignment on a Rapper I found that I kept writing Raper. I think that's a bit of a difference don't you? So glad I caught that before sending it in :)

13) Toilet paper. I'd hate to think what we would be using if toilet paper was never invented. "Get some leaves!"- Brian Regan

14) Brian Regan, Bill Engvall, Bill Cosby, Jim Gaffigan, and Don Friensen. Frickin' hilarious!

Brian Regan: I remember my teacher ask me: "Brian, what's the I before E rule?" Ummm... I before E... Always. "What are you an idiot Brian?" Apparently! So she explains it: "No Brian it's I before E except after C, N that sounded like A in a neighbouring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!" That's a hard rule

Bill Engvall: I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage. Number two: we have medication for this. And number three: It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.

Bill Cosby: I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

15) That Chris can sing AMAZINGLY because now Kiara has a 50/50 chance of winning American Idol.  

16) My InkJoy pen from Paper-Mate. I am VERY picky about my pens and these ones are AWESOME!!! Some one had the audacity to steal one of them and I am on the hunt for revenge...Don't take my pen.

17) Deoderant. Seriously though, who isn't thankful for this?

18) My ability to BS...A blog will come out on this one, but I have to wait for my official grade to come out just in case my teacher finds my blog before hand :)

19) While driving the person ahead of me runs a yellow light. I'm grateful for this because I am two inches from his bumper.

20) Good hair day. It is amazing how a bad hair day can ruin your day.

21) When my parents forgot I was grounded while I was a kid

22) Jeans that lie about the size. Example: When you know your a size 7 but try on a size 4 pair of pants on and they fit!!! Best. Day. Ever!!!!

23) That the Zombie Apocalypse hasn't started yet because I am no where near ready

24) That I made it to number 24

25) The word llama. I don't really care for the animal (although, they are Chris's favorite so I'm afraid we might actually own one in the future) but I love that it has 2 L's. Every time I see the word it makes me smile just because of the second L. True fact.

There is my thankful list. Not much, but they all make me very happy! 

What? I don't understand...Oh NOW I get it!!!!

There are some things that I have never understood, and when I don't understand something my brain needs to make up an explanation. Let me give you some examples of things that I have learned from my own brain :) If you actually read this I will be very impressed because you are actually getting a piece of what really goes on inside my head...it tends to scare most people. :)

I now understand why Greeks break their dishes at parties. Here's how I think it went down. There was once a Greek couple and the woman sent the man to the store to buy some paper plates. The man went to the store and came home 5 minutes before the party and brought home some drinks, lamb, potatoes, but no plates. Well now it was too late to run back to the store so the woman had no choice but to use her porcelain plates, she was upset about this because she did not have a dishwasher. As the party went on there were a lot more people who showed up than expected and before she knew it all of her one hundred plates were used up. Upon seeing how many dishes were being used the woman became furious at her husband because who was going to have to wash all of these dishes?! Not her husband that's for sure. So out of anger she threw a plate at her husband nearly missing his head and it shattered against the wall, and everyone thought it was the greatest thing and all started to throw their plates on the floor. And that is how it all started.

I now understand why we believe the Easter bunny hides eggs. See there was once a bunny who was madly in love with a hen named Penny (apparently all hens are named Penny). The Easter bunny started to send her cards and love letters and Penny flirted back, but Penny was a two timing chicken and lusted after the Rooster named Henry (I don't know why he was named Henry). One day while the Easter bunny was hopping around he saw Penny hurry around a bush and he decided to follow her. To his surprise there was Penny with Henry! The Easter bunny was furious and of course he tried to beat up Henry! Well as we all know roosters are scary as heck when they get mad and so Henry obviously won the fight. The Easter bunny was filled with so much anger and resentment that he decided that he would get revenge. Later on Penny and Henry got married and had some eggs. The Easter bunny heard the news and got really excited because he knew the perfect way to get his revenge. He stole all of Penny's eggs and started hiding them. The last egg he hid was next to a house filled with children. The Easter bunny thought he was being sneaky but in the bushes there were some children who were going to capture him! When the Easter bunny pulled out the egg all of the children were speechless and frozen in their tracks. A bunny just pulled an egg out and hid it...WHAT THE?!!!...So the kids immediately ran to get there mom who also saw this and just then the Easter bunny turned and saw that he was caught and ran away as fast as he could! Now you're wondering how does Jesus tie into all of this huh? Well apparently the family was starving and had no food and the mom just finished a prayer when the children came and got her. So BAM! Bunny, eggs, Jesus. It makes complete sense now doesn't it!

What about Santa Claus? Why does he come through the chiminey? Well that is easy my friends. One night around midnight there was a man named Morfus (I don't know if this is his real name but we'll just call him Morfus for now). Morfus was a thief and a good one at that. On this particular night he was walking through a rich neighborhood, you know those kinds of neighborhoods where everything is gated and the houses are so big that there are 100 rooms and 210 bathrooms for a family of 4, it was one of those neighborhoods. Anyway, Morfus was wandering around when he came upon the biggest house he'd ever seen in his life! He didn't want to trigger any alarms so he went up the roof and came down the chimney. While he was looking around he noticed that this house was just like Wal-mart! It had EVERYTHING!!! There were so many things that Morfus was certain the owners didn't know they had most of this stuff. So he started to load up his bag until it couldn't close anymore. Well Morfus being a curious fellow decided to walk around for a bit and take a gander at things. He stopped and looked at some pictures that were hanging on the wall, they were obviously the family that lived here. He noticed a little boy and girl playing, and a mom and dad laughing. As he started to head for the chimney he heard a man say "FREEZE!" and he froze (That is one magical word by the way. I don't know of one person who hasn't frozen at that word...Mystery solved with why police say "freeze"!!!) Morfus turned around and stared at a man in his pajamas and recognized him from the pictures. "Who are you?!" the man said and Morfus thinking quickly said "Oh I'm Santa Claus! I come bearing gifts for children". The man looked at him curiously and said "Okay, say I bought into this lie, how many kids do I have." Morfus smiled and said "Two a boy and a girl." Stunned the man asked "What are their names?" Uh-oh Morfus didn't know their names! He started to sweat but he had no other choice so he guessed the most common names he could think of "Jack and Jill." The man was amazed and shouted "Oh my gosh you are Santa!" So Morfus took the bag and gave the man some of the stuff he'd stolen and told him to give them to the children when they awoke. Then Morfus hurried and ran up the chimney as quickly as he could. When Morfus came to the top he was covered in black soot and that is also why burglars now wear black (I think they used to wear hot pink). :)

(I posted this on Facebook earlier, but I felt it deserved a spot in my blog) I have decided that the person who first put up a plate on a wall was a guy. He didn't do it for decoration it was his emergency plate so when he didn't want to do dishes he had one extra before he started eating off the floor. Then a woman he was dating walked in and deemed it as a decoration. So when you keep a couple of plates on your wall you now know it's not for decoration it's to use so you don't have to wash your dishes that day. So the next time you walk into my house you will find every wall lined with plates.

Anyway, that is how my brain works. It has to make sense of everything. Right now it's trying to make sense of why you read this very long and excruciatingly absurd post?! OH now it makes sense I'm just awesome and you love me....or you escaped out of the loony bin and are stalking me waiting for my next move so you can send your zombies to eat me!!!! I KNEW IT!!!! :) In my head this was really awesome because I was kicking zombie butt!!! Just so you so know I'm a ninja when it comes to zombies. BOO YA TO ME!!! 

I've just been played by a two year old

Being a new parent I have learned a lot from my two year old. For instance, keep covers over the electrical sockets because apparently they are fun to lick.  Don't leave a two year old alone with dog poop, bad things happen. I don't buy duct tape anymore because I'm fairly positive my child will try to use it on me while I'm sleeping and start a robot army to take over the world. I have also found that she can outsmart me. I am 24 years old. I have completed high school and have gone to college. I am smart (at least I like to think so, others might disagree) but nothing in life has prepared me on how to out think a two year old.

Let me give you an example. I recently (and by recently I mean like 2 months ago) posted about The Rabbit, which I later found out was a frog. Well Kiara is still convinced that it is a green rabbit, and I want to convince her it's a frog because...well...it's a frog. This is our conversation while driving past it:
Kiara: Look Mommy! Green rabbit!!!!
Me: No that's a frog
Kiara: No, it's a rabbit
Me: *Not about to back down this time* No, sweetie, it's a frog
Kiara: No, it's a rabbit.
Me: No, it's a frog
Most people probably would have given up by now, but I am not about to give in. So this goes on for about 7 minutes because neither one of us is about to give up and admit the other person is right (Kiara gets it from her father ;) ) then she says:
Kiara: No, it's a puppy!
Me: No, it's a rabbit!....Wait...Dang it!!!
Kiara: *huge smile* Yeah, it's a rabbit.
Me: *hitting my head on the steering wheel while at the stop sign*

I just got played by a two year old. I'd like to say that this was my first time but the kid has been playing me since day one. I always thought that being a parent meant being in charge and being in control of everything. Apparently, I was WAY off the mark on that one. Now being a parent means, just don't let the kiddo die or get hurt, and sleep with one eye open just in case she finds the duct tape.

I am pretty good at arguments. If I have something that I am passionate about, I will not give up and I will get my point across. With  two year old, all arguments seem invalid. I don't even know how she does it. I will be trying to get her into bed and I'll start arguing with her to get into pajamas, then the next thing I know we are watching another episode of Dragon Tales. It's not until half way through the episode I think "What the...?...Wait a minute!" I don't even know how she does it!

It has been potty training time all year with Kiara. She is the most independent child I know. She will only do things on her own time. I like that quality sometimes, but not while potty training. All I want is for her to go to the toilet and get rid of the diapers, every parent knows that excited feeling they get when they know they wont have to change another dirty diaper. Apparently Kiara doesn't want me to have this feeling because she will only go when she wants to go. If I want her to go she will kick, scream, run away, hide, and act as though there is a monster in the toilet. So this has been a bit frustrating and tedious, but I figure she'll learn eventually....right?...please say yes. Anyway every time she says she has to go to the bathroom we get excited and praise her for being a big girl. She has now found the perfect way to stall before bed time. After we read her a story and put her to bed Chris and I will go down stairs and watch a movie or something when 30 minutes later we hear "Mommy! I need to go potty!" YAY!!! She's going to use the toilet!! So I run up the stairs hurry and strip her down and put her on the potty and wait...and wait...and wait...This whole time Kiara is happy and laughing but she's secretly thinking "hahahaha!!! I've got you now! hahahaha! This is the perfect way to stay up!" This is where she gets even smarter. About 50% of the time she actually goes potty! She's playing me like a fiddle because she knows if she doesn't go potty then I'll stop coming up, but if she continues to do this "sometimes" thing then she'll get to stay up later. Just so you know she only goes potty at night, she says nothing during the day time. She's a clever one.

She even has me beat when it comes to eating. I'll ask her what she wants to eat and I'll say something like "Do you want pasta?" She'll respond to "No, my tummy hurts." At first I was a sucker and would say "Oh I'm sorry what would make it feel better?" Then she'll look around the fridge like she's deciding, then she'll casually wander to the pantry and pull out the marshmallow cereal and say "This will help."

Let me give you one more example that just happened today. Kiara and I were sitting on the couch watching Winnie the Pooh when Kiara decided to go into the kitchen. I'm not worried because there's nothing she can get into. Well I hear some chairs moving around and this sparks up my interests, so I get up to see what she's doing. I'm observing her through the doorway as she moves a chair from the table to the counter top with a spoon in her hand. When she gets to the counter top she climbs on top of the chair and grabs the peanut butter jar that was there. This is our conversation:
Me: No Kiara, you can't have peanut butter.
Kiara: No mommy, go rest.
Me: No, I don't need to rest
Kiara: Yeah you need to rest. Go to couch and rest.
Me: Honey I think I rested too much
Kiara: No you need to go rest and sleep.
Me: *actually feeling tired and yawning* I think you're right I'll go rest
...What the....?....I'm blaming this on the fact that it was 7 in the freaking morning. So I have her come back to the living room with me and I must have dozed off for a bit because I heard her back in the kitchen. From the couch I yell:
Me: What are you doing?
Kiara: Go back to sleep mommy
Me: I don't think so
Kiara: You need to rest
I get up and go into the kitchen and there she is with an open jar of peanut butter and shoveling it into her mouth as fast as she could with her spoon.

If this is already happening at two, I'm afraid of what is in store for the future! I don't even want to think about those teenage years! I'm in soooo much trouble. :)