Mom sayings that need to be altered...just a little bit.

You know what? I'm pissy today and you're gonna hear about it! Why do you get to hear about it you ask? Because it's my blog and I hate everything today so meh! Now the correct question is, why am I so pissy today? Let me tell ya. It all started when my demonic lovely child woke up. I love her more than anything in the world....well some days I might trade her in for a Coke, but that's besides the point.  But I have never known a kid to hold out a cry for so long.  Now ya'll might be thinking "psh, you should meet my kid" If you're really thinking this, I'm sorry, but I never want to meet your kid (at least not today). Now while "discussing" with my 2 year old child why she should get ready for the day, I came to the realization that as a collective society of parents we need to alter a few things that we say.

Ever since I was a kid, I used to laugh at mom's who would say "You know you're a mom when..." I always laughed because I would think "You carried an alien inside your stomach for 9 months, which magically turns into a kid after 72 hours of excruciating labor and finally birth. The kid is now 6 years old. If you haven't figured out that you're a mom by now, you have some serious issues."  But now that I have a kid I totally know what they are talking about.

We're always told that there is no handbook to raising a kid. But I have found out that there is a handbook of required phrases that you HAVE to say.  Apparently if you don't say these you are not a parent. We all know the sayings. I've always wondered though what would happen if we altered a few of them and if it would ruin the space time continuum and create a black hole that engulfs the whole world. 

So here are some of my alterations:

"Make certain you wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident." Well let me tell ya whether my shorts are clean or not they definitely won't be clean after the accident.  You know that saying "First you say it, then you do it."  I have always wanted to sew a note on my unders that says "if my underwear is still clean please call this number and let my mom know". So I decided that we should alter this saying and have it be something like "Make certain you're wearing underwear".

"Don't Ever let me catch you doing that again!"....The kid is thinking "OK next time I do it I'll make certain you're not in the room." This quote should be altered like so: "Here son/daughter I have made you a pin that goes on your shirt so then you can have me with you everywhere you go.  It has a little camera that will notify me and the FBI, so if you take it off, or do that thing ever again....I'll know." ok so that one might be a little extreme but hey, if you're a mom, you've thought about using this one before, don't lie. ;)

"I hope you have children who are just like you!" Now my mom used this one one me and I honestly don't know what I did to deserve this "Mother's Curse". But apparently my mom must have said this so many times that God said "Alright already! I'll give her a kid just like her!" But then my late grandma (who was one of my best friends) said "OK God, let's have some fun with this one. You can send a kid just like her but let's  add in a couple of things." This is how I got Kiara. I was a perfect child, but some how I ended up getting a child who was just like me only more devious, destructive, stealthy, and manipulative (I say this with all of the love in the world too).  So this should be rephrased like so: "I hope you have a child that is an upgraded version of you!" so example Kiara is like a "Megan 2.0" She is me, only upgraded. 

"Don't make me turn this car around!" I've always thought about this one because I think it should be "Don't make me do donuts on the highway!" Because think about it, if you really did do that all of the kids would stop their bickering and would either be scared to death or they would probably be cheering you on to do it again. Either way the bickering stopped. Problem solved.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!" Nah this one's fine just the way it is.

And the worst one of all "Because I said so." In all of my childhood days I vowed to NEVER use this saying. EVER! My child is only two, and I have already used this saying 156,897,516,482,448,625,448,989,641,597,126,897,567 times.  This should be changed to something so hideous and horrifying that the child will do what they are told within seconds. So you should say something like "Because if you don't when the zombie apocalypse comes I am going to direct all of the zombies to where Barney (or whoever their super hero is at the time) lives and tell them to have at it." This one might only work with kids ages 3-8.

I do have to admit though, being a mom rocks.  I love watching my little girl grow up and experience life. Yeah there are some days when I read the small print on those baby hospital bills praying that there is a return policy in there some where, but she is my favorite and I love her more than anything (yes, even more than I love Coke) ;)

You've just been Skooled yo!!

I've decided that schools need to change their curriculum to teach kids life lessons rather than lessons we are never going to use, ever! I have never been asked "Can you structure a diagram of this sentence and correctly identify all of the nouns, pronouns, verbs, adjectives, and etc.?"  I have also never been standing in line at a grocery store thought "If I add up all of these amounts, divide it by the number of items that i have, find the mean, and then use the standard deviation...." See what I mean. Useless. We need better lessons.  So I have come up with a few lessons that life has taught me that should be taught in schools. I even broke them up into subjects:

Math and problem solving
1. You are at Walmart, and only two cash registers are open. One line is so long it wraps around the entire store and goes out the door.  The other line only has one woman with a cart full of items who is price matching and using all sorts of coupons.  Which line to you stand in?
Answer: Pick the long line. By the time that woman is done you will be checked out, driven home, unloaded your groceries, and could have watched a 3 hour documentary about how the earth was made.

Health
2. Only get the fries at McDonalds. You might be tempted to eat a hamburger but your stomach will regret it later. Oh and stay away from hot pockets.

English
3. Nobody uses the word Doggone-it anymore. So stop using it.

PE
4. Chasing a two year old that is holding a permanent marker is the best exercise to stay in shape. Forget palates, and squatting by a wall. The squatting will only help you go to the bathroom in the woods.

Drivers Ed
5. While driving in Utah, if you see someone coming onto the freeway, speed up really fast and try to beat them so they don't get in front of you. When you are in front of them, slow down below the speed limit so the person behind you gets pissed and rides your tail rather than going around you. If you are too slow and the other car does get in front of you, slow back down to the speed you were at and try the same thing again next time.

Chemistry & Detention
6. Smoking next to the smoke detector will not get you out of work.  Also, in some work environments, if the world was ending and they knew a comet was headed straight for their office, you will still not get out of work.

Physics
7. If your car is going 60 mph and  you are looking for that CD you dropped, and the car ahead of you is stopped, how long does it take for you to realize your situation before you hit the car?
A. You stopped just in time! Only an inch from the car!
B. You had to swerve into the emergency lane to avoid hitting them.
C. You hit the brakes and rear end the person, causing whip-lash
D. You never saw it coming and hit with such force that the car ahead of you hit the car ahead of him. (But you found your CD, so it was totally worth it)

History
8. You will always learn from your mistakes.  For instance, if you build a suicide slide down your stairs in your house, learn from your mistake and put more pillows at the bottom before you hit the wall.

Marketing
9. Apparently it's illegal to sell the 2 year old, that just broke and colored on your couch, at Walmart.

Biology
10. When your kid asks about sex, invent a story about a bird that drops babies on door steps (trust me no one has ever heard of this story, it's unique!)

Psychology
11. Yes, at some point in time your children will lead you to see a therapist.

Foreign Language
12. Learn how to text and use texting language, or you are going to be lost in the new upcoming world.

Astronomy
13. If you live in a big city, like New York, NY for example, you will most likely ever see one star in your entire life. Treasure that moment.

Art
14. Your two year old will show you what art is on your newly painted walls. (Again, you cannot sell them at Walmart)

Reading
15. Don't worry I didn't see that the door said pull either, but it was hilarious watching you push the door for 15 minutes.

See this is what we should have learned.  Not that other crap they forced into our heads.  I'm still wondering when I can use an equation like f(x)= 2y+7/16,000. Never gonna happen peeps.Never gonna happen.

The Munchy Monster King

I have officially decided that there is an evil demonic Munchy monster spirit that resides in my stomach and brain today.  I never had the munchies this bad.  I have seriously eaten 2 bowls of cereal, a whole bag of grapes, a thing of yogurt, half of a huge bag of M&M's and half of a quart zip lock bag of cereal all before 9:30. Oh and let's not forget the 40 oz of water that I drank too.

This picture depicts my thoughts of what my Munchy monster looks like:

See it's scary and evil huh?!!!! (Yeah I know I have issues with having my pictures staying within the blog lines but ... well no buts I just suck at this staying inside the lines....It's the munchy monster's fault it's making me break all of the rules!!!)

I'm going to defeat this thing if it's the last thing I do!!! Here's how it's going to go down:

On a dark and rainy day, after midnight (it has to be this type of setting because according to Hollywood that's when the monsters come out) I wait in the dark basement with my light saber ready for what ever will follow.  I have been planning this moment for years (Ok a few minutes, but it felt like years). I will finally get the chance to look into the Munchy monster's face and destroy it! The clock is slowly ticking away. Crap! I have a leg cramp! Gah this is going to ruin everything! I can't fight with only one leg! As I'm freaking out I think "I'll have to fight through it! The monster might be diagonally sliced but hey whatever works right?" As I sit there with tears in my eyes because of the growing pain, I see a flash of pink! It's the Munchy monster!!!! I immediately push the button for my light saber, but the batteries are dead!! Stupid Energizer I knew I should have gone with the Duracell batteries, on going bunny my hind end!  The lights suddenly go off and I can't see anything. Oh no!!! Something grabs my cramped leg and I can't scream because I lost my voice shouting at my two year old not to lick the electrical socket anymore, and to stop sticking her head in the toilet!!! AH if only I had my voice my husband would be able to come downstairs and help me!!! Oh no!!! What if the monster got my husband?! I have to run up the stairs but I can't because  after thinking about all of these things as to why I'm so scared I momentarily forgot that the monster has my leg!!! But then I remembered that this monster is only a floating head so how can it have my leg?! I look down and scream with pure terror. It had me with it's slimy green tongue! It was trying to eat me! I look around desperately trying to find something to hold on to. When I thought all hope was lost, I remembered that I still had my handy pocket canoe paddle! (Yes, canoe paddle, you never know when you're gonna need one, so I always keep one handy) I slap the monster senseless and it finally lets go of my leg.  I continue beating it with the paddle, but it continues to fight back.  Suddenly, the basement door opens and Chris shouts "What are you doing down there? You're causing the whole house to shake!" Because of Chris the monster becomes scared and suddenly vanishes before my eyes and leaving behind pink sparkles.  As I put my paddle down I knew that I had won this time, but the battle was not over.  Where ever that monster is I will be ready.  I will make certain that I have my light saber stocked with Duracell batteries, and I will have my handy canoe paddle.

Yeah it's going to be an epic battle. I'll have to see if I can Youtube it sometime :)

But seriously I have to get rid of this Munchy monster because I just ran out of things to eat and my key board is looking awfully tasty.

I'm not a good test taker for some reason...

(Ignore the fact that the comics go outside of the blog box the sizes to pick from are stupid)

Yeah the religious thing doesn't work, I tried that already.  On a test I said  "God told me that this answer is not pertinent to my learning and that I'll never have to use this again." My teacher wrote back "God told me, to tell you, Guess again."
I should write back to my teacher and let him know that I was right. I never had to use the quadratic formula ever again.

Oh and answering "God" for all of the short answer questions, doesn't work either.

When I take those fill in the bubble tests I usually end up making designs (I get bored easily) This is how I passed my ACT's. Honestly a 4 hour long test for a teenager, what else do  you expect me to do?!
And if I don't know the answer I usually make up excuses like "I love Chris, and Chris begins with a C....so it must be C!" or "I feel like eating hmmm...Oh an Apple sounds great! hey Apple begins with A so it must be A!" I just did this on my stats test and I got a B out of the class. Which confirms this method totally works.

On essay questions I used to try to use "fancy" words to see if I could sound smart so the teacher wont know that I really don't know what I'm talking about. This is how I found out that Erotic does not mean Erratic.  It was an interesting essay. Needless to say, I now stick with words that I know the meaning of.

On the matching questions it's really fun to make actual words out of the letters the teacher gives you to choose from. One teacher caught this on my test and actually gave me an extra point for entertaining her.

It's great if you can get a teacher that you can joke with.  I had a math teacher who was my favorite and on the top of the test I wrote "I'm hoping that since I'm your favorite student and I'm amazing that you wont completely fail me on this test." He gave me an F+.  I have never received one of those before, but it made me feel better about myself.

Though I always hate the teachers who don't have a sense of humor.  Sometimes I'll throw in a joke or two next to the question and then say something like "I hope by making your day I got this question right ;)" Oddly, they usually end up liking me by the end of the semester.

Luckily now that I'm going into psychology all of my teachers have a sense of humor. Actually to be honest I've decided that in order to be a psychology teacher you have to have some sort of psychological disorder to qualify.  Almost all of them could qualify to be in the "loony bin", which makes my classes all the more fun :).  But when I try to make a smirky comment I usually get an response like this "You have applied the Jungian extrovert theory very well in your test."

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a bad test taker, teachers just don't make tests interesting enough to keep my attention span.