Mom sayings that need to be altered...just a little bit.

You know what? I'm pissy today and you're gonna hear about it! Why do you get to hear about it you ask? Because it's my blog and I hate everything today so meh! Now the correct question is, why am I so pissy today? Let me tell ya. It all started when my demonic lovely child woke up. I love her more than anything in the world....well some days I might trade her in for a Coke, but that's besides the point.  But I have never known a kid to hold out a cry for so long.  Now ya'll might be thinking "psh, you should meet my kid" If you're really thinking this, I'm sorry, but I never want to meet your kid (at least not today). Now while "discussing" with my 2 year old child why she should get ready for the day, I came to the realization that as a collective society of parents we need to alter a few things that we say.

Ever since I was a kid, I used to laugh at mom's who would say "You know you're a mom when..." I always laughed because I would think "You carried an alien inside your stomach for 9 months, which magically turns into a kid after 72 hours of excruciating labor and finally birth. The kid is now 6 years old. If you haven't figured out that you're a mom by now, you have some serious issues."  But now that I have a kid I totally know what they are talking about.

We're always told that there is no handbook to raising a kid. But I have found out that there is a handbook of required phrases that you HAVE to say.  Apparently if you don't say these you are not a parent. We all know the sayings. I've always wondered though what would happen if we altered a few of them and if it would ruin the space time continuum and create a black hole that engulfs the whole world. 

So here are some of my alterations:

"Make certain you wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident." Well let me tell ya whether my shorts are clean or not they definitely won't be clean after the accident.  You know that saying "First you say it, then you do it."  I have always wanted to sew a note on my unders that says "if my underwear is still clean please call this number and let my mom know". So I decided that we should alter this saying and have it be something like "Make certain you're wearing underwear".

"Don't Ever let me catch you doing that again!"....The kid is thinking "OK next time I do it I'll make certain you're not in the room." This quote should be altered like so: "Here son/daughter I have made you a pin that goes on your shirt so then you can have me with you everywhere you go.  It has a little camera that will notify me and the FBI, so if you take it off, or do that thing ever again....I'll know." ok so that one might be a little extreme but hey, if you're a mom, you've thought about using this one before, don't lie. ;)

"I hope you have children who are just like you!" Now my mom used this one one me and I honestly don't know what I did to deserve this "Mother's Curse". But apparently my mom must have said this so many times that God said "Alright already! I'll give her a kid just like her!" But then my late grandma (who was one of my best friends) said "OK God, let's have some fun with this one. You can send a kid just like her but let's  add in a couple of things." This is how I got Kiara. I was a perfect child, but some how I ended up getting a child who was just like me only more devious, destructive, stealthy, and manipulative (I say this with all of the love in the world too).  So this should be rephrased like so: "I hope you have a child that is an upgraded version of you!" so example Kiara is like a "Megan 2.0" She is me, only upgraded. 

"Don't make me turn this car around!" I've always thought about this one because I think it should be "Don't make me do donuts on the highway!" Because think about it, if you really did do that all of the kids would stop their bickering and would either be scared to death or they would probably be cheering you on to do it again. Either way the bickering stopped. Problem solved.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!" Nah this one's fine just the way it is.

And the worst one of all "Because I said so." In all of my childhood days I vowed to NEVER use this saying. EVER! My child is only two, and I have already used this saying 156,897,516,482,448,625,448,989,641,597,126,897,567 times.  This should be changed to something so hideous and horrifying that the child will do what they are told within seconds. So you should say something like "Because if you don't when the zombie apocalypse comes I am going to direct all of the zombies to where Barney (or whoever their super hero is at the time) lives and tell them to have at it." This one might only work with kids ages 3-8.

I do have to admit though, being a mom rocks.  I love watching my little girl grow up and experience life. Yeah there are some days when I read the small print on those baby hospital bills praying that there is a return policy in there some where, but she is my favorite and I love her more than anything (yes, even more than I love Coke) ;)