I've decided that schools need to change their curriculum to teach kids life lessons rather than lessons we are never going to use, ever! I have never been asked "Can you structure a diagram of this sentence and correctly identify all of the nouns, pronouns, verbs, adjectives, and etc.?" I have also never been standing in line at a grocery store thought "If I add up all of these amounts, divide it by the number of items that i have, find the mean, and then use the standard deviation...." See what I mean. Useless. We need better lessons. So I have come up with a few lessons that life has taught me that should be taught in schools. I even broke them up into subjects:
Math and problem solving
1. You are at Walmart, and only two cash registers are open. One line is so long it wraps around the entire store and goes out the door. The other line only has one woman with a cart full of items who is price matching and using all sorts of coupons. Which line to you stand in?
Answer: Pick the long line. By the time that woman is done you will be checked out, driven home, unloaded your groceries, and could have watched a 3 hour documentary about how the earth was made.
Health
2. Only get the fries at McDonalds. You might be tempted to eat a hamburger but your stomach will regret it later. Oh and stay away from hot pockets.
English
3. Nobody uses the word Doggone-it anymore. So stop using it.
PE
4. Chasing a two year old that is holding a permanent marker is the best exercise to stay in shape. Forget palates, and squatting by a wall. The squatting will only help you go to the bathroom in the woods.
Drivers Ed
5. While driving in Utah, if you see someone coming onto the freeway, speed up really fast and try to beat them so they don't get in front of you. When you are in front of them, slow down below the speed limit so the person behind you gets pissed and rides your tail rather than going around you. If you are too slow and the other car does get in front of you, slow back down to the speed you were at and try the same thing again next time.
Chemistry & Detention
6. Smoking next to the smoke detector will not get you out of work. Also, in some work environments, if the world was ending and they knew a comet was headed straight for their office, you will still not get out of work.
Physics
7. If your car is going 60 mph and you are looking for that CD you dropped, and the car ahead of you is stopped, how long does it take for you to realize your situation before you hit the car?
A. You stopped just in time! Only an inch from the car!
B. You had to swerve into the emergency lane to avoid hitting them.
C. You hit the brakes and rear end the person, causing whip-lash
D. You never saw it coming and hit with such force that the car ahead of you hit the car ahead of him. (But you found your CD, so it was totally worth it)
History
8. You will always learn from your mistakes. For instance, if you build a suicide slide down your stairs in your house, learn from your mistake and put more pillows at the bottom before you hit the wall.
Marketing
9. Apparently it's illegal to sell the 2 year old, that just broke and colored on your couch, at Walmart.
Biology
10. When your kid asks about sex, invent a story about a bird that drops babies on door steps (trust me no one has ever heard of this story, it's unique!)
Psychology
11. Yes, at some point in time your children will lead you to see a therapist.
Foreign Language
12. Learn how to text and use texting language, or you are going to be lost in the new upcoming world.
Astronomy
13. If you live in a big city, like New York, NY for example, you will most likely ever see one star in your entire life. Treasure that moment.
Art
14. Your two year old will show you what art is on your newly painted walls. (Again, you cannot sell them at Walmart)
Reading
15. Don't worry I didn't see that the door said pull either, but it was hilarious watching you push the door for 15 minutes.
See this is what we should have learned. Not that other crap they forced into our heads. I'm still wondering when I can use an equation like f(x)= 2y+7/16,000. Never gonna happen peeps.Never gonna happen.
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