Apparently I Am Not Old Enough for Make-up and Perfume.

I am one of the most inept people when it comes to makeup, perfume, lotions, etc. Basically, I don't know anything about these things. I only wear minimal eyeliner and I've only used mascara a handful of times. I am a 28 year old female and I honestly don't know how to do makeup, as you'll find out in this blog post.

It all began with the thought "I need to clean out my bathroom drawers." (Silly past Megan). Over the years I have been given a lot of make up that I've never worn and I just stored them away in the bottom drawer in my bathroom. Today I decided to FINALLY clean out my stuff and throw items away. While I was throwing things away I got curious. It's never good when I get curious.

The first thing I got curious to try was lipstick. Bright red lipstick. I could have looked up a YouTube video on how to apply lipstick, but I've seen the movies, I knew what to do (again, silly past Megan). I literally looked like a 3 year old trying to decorate their face. I mean do you start with the bottom lip or the top? Then do you add the lipstick to the corners of the mouth? (I later found out that the answer is no, don't put it on the corners of the mouth). Now my question is, how the heck to you keep it on your lips? I tried very hard to keep it on my lips but no matter how hard I tried it would get on the skin around my lips. (How have I lived for 28 years and never learned how to put lipstick on?! It's definitely not like putting on chapstick. Just sayin'.)

By the end, I had to wipe off the lipstick because I looked like the Joker from Batman and trust me, wiping it off did not help.

This is an actual photo of me AFTER I tried wiping it off. I almost needed a Magic Eraser to get it off!

Then I tried some "fancy" mascara. While applying it I kept thinking "Wow, for MaryKay this mascara sucks. It doesn't even do anything." I ended up poking myself in the eye a few times before I discovered that the mascara was completely dried out.

Then I came across a super fancy box (honestly, it was a clear plastic box with a ribbon). This super fancy box contained: lotion, a spray perfume bottle, and a third item. I looked all over the box to see what this third item was, but I found nothing. I opened the lid to this third item and discovered it looked a lot like clear roll on lipgloss. You know those roll on lipsticks that were crazy popular in the 90's?

I'm too lazy to go upstairs and take a picture with my phone, but this is basically what it looks like only a little skinnier.

I tried to smell it to see what flavor it was and I caught a slight hint of fruity vinegar and thought "Oh it must be grown up lipgloss. Something this fancy can't be strawberry flavored. This is high end grown up stuff." So I decided to see how shiny it would make my lips. This is where everything went wrong. Looking back I probably should have tested this on some paper, or tissue, anything really, but no, I had to slather it on my lips. I didn't even go slow and try it on a spot on my lip, I just rolled the whole thing around my mouth just how my old 90's 10 year old self used to do with my sister's sparkly roll on lipgloss. I immediately discovered that this was not roll on lipgloss. This "Lipgloss" was actually perfume.

This is NOT lipgloss!!!!

Well the perfume came out incredibly fast drenching my face. I tried to cry out, but that led to me opening my mouth causing perfume to enter my mouth uninvitedly. I tried to spit it out but then I had to cough and I inhaled the perfume. It absorbed into my lungs and up into my nose canal! My lungs became desperate for air, which placed me into another coughing fit. I tried so hard to grab the tissues to wipe my face and get off the rest of the perfume, but I couldn't see through my tears of regret! Finally I thought "WATER"! I turned on my faucet and dumped my face into the sink. I then thought "Water won't work, I need to use soap!" Now who else has soap in their bathroom? I like good smelling perfumy soap....You see where this is headed don't you?....So without thinking I lathered my face with my trusted antibacterial perfume soap. Have you ever mixed perfume smelling stuff with more perfume smelling stuff?

Well it turned into a gagging coughing fiasco. In which I had to open my soap covered lips and inhale. Perfumy soap ran into my mouth creating a foamy film across my tongue. I immediately dunked my face into the running water and tried to rinse out my foaming mouth. I was able to get most of the soap out of my mouth and off my face, but the intense smell was still there. I was going to grab a towel, but then I thought "Well I don't want this perfume stench from Hades on my towel. So I'll use toilet paper to dry off my face." Do you know what happens when toilet paper connects to wet skin? Cause Present Megan knows.

This is not my face, but this is basically what happened. 

I literally became a perfumed smelly toilet paper monster. After cleaning up, I went down stairs and felt like a 12 year old boy who had put on WAY too much cologne. My husband could literally smell me from the stairs.

So I have learned my lesson. At age 28 I'm still too young to wear grown up stuff like make up and perfume 😂😂😂...Just so you know, it has been hours since this experience and I can still taste and smell the perfume. 

My Costco Adventure

Since it's 1:30 AM and I'm wide awake, I might as well tell you about my day. Don't you love having an insomniatic friend? ;)

We were given a box of Costco sized diapers and my 4 month old decided to out grow them in the week we got them. All week I've been meaning to return them to get a bigger size, but I never had the time. Well today I got the time. The time was Saturday at 2 PM. 

Now I am not a member of Costco so it takes me a while to find the customer service to exchange my item. I find out that their customer service is practically outside. The cashiers are inside, but the desk is so close to the door that the customer line is outside. I see that there are a few people in line and I decide to wait in it with my 4 month old daughter who was in her car seat. So I wait. And I wait. And I wait. 

20 minutes pass by. The line moves one person. 30 minutes pass by. The line moves another person. Finally a lady comes out with a scanner, and starts scanning everyone's membership cards. I see her happily coming, and she is one of those happy fake high pitched women who has a comment about everything. 

Way too happy to be a Costco worker

She is literally commenting about everything every one says. And then she gets to me. She asks me for my membership card and I say "I'm not a member, these were given as a gift and I just need to exchange them for a bigger size." Then she gave me one of those disapproving looks. You know those looks where you're 28 years old but you wish you had your mommy there to hold your hand looks?

The disapproving glare that can freeze your soul

She was no longer happy-go-lucky woman. Her body became tense and then when she spoke her voice went down three octaves lower when she said "You will be given a Costco Cash card for the price it is." and then left. Oh nuh-uh! 

I wish I could say that I did something awesome like I tied her shoes together when she wasn't looking, but I acted "grown up" and let it go. But unfortunately, I didn't know what a Costco Cash card was and had to call her back and ask "What does that mean?"  Then acting a little annoyed she explained that I would get store credit on a Costco Cash card to go exchange the diapers. After dealing with "Pretentious Members Only Lady" and waiting in line for over 40 minutes my frustration and anxiety levels were beginning to raise. 

 So I get my Not a Member Costco Cash card and enter the store with my 4 month old still in her car seat. Apparently I entered the wrong way. Instead of heading straight into the store from customer service, I was supposed to go back outside and re-enter the store through the entrance way. I did not know this was a thing. So I'm carrying my 15 pound baby in a 100 pound carseat trying to figure a way to get through the cash registers to get to the actual part of the store. Normal stores have a chain or wire thing that you can just step over or go under. Not Costco. Costco uses carts that are pushed together so you cannot move them or go over them. To top it off Costco uses the SUV of carts so you can fit all your bulk items. 

In what other cart can you fit TWO kids in the top seat?!!

So there is no way I'm getting through. Rather than having a rational mind and going outside and entering again, I look to see if there is a break in the carts or register lines. I walk to the OTHER side of the store with my now 500 pound baby and her 2000 pound car seat and FINALLY find a little crack in between a cart and a register. So I go for it. I literally had to pull some Hulk move and lift the carseat over my head, turn sideways, and think really skinny to fit through this crack. 

I kind of regretted eating that half batch of cinnamon rolls at 3 in the morning at this moment.

Finally I'm in. Now remember how I said I went on a Saturday at 2 pm? Have you ever been to a Costco on a Saturday at 2 pm?! It was worse than going Black Friday shopping with everything marked down to a dollar! 

This is Costco at 2 pm on a Saturday

There are thousands of people with their SUV carts EVERYWHERE! It's as though everything is all chaos, but everyone understands the chaos, except for me. I put my 5000 pound baby in one of the SUV carts and literally run into every person, cart, kid, and dog there.

Then to top it off, I have to figure out where the heck the diapers are at. At this point my frustrated levels are so high that I'm just plain angry.  I am to the point where I start talking to myself and I am muttering all the cuss words I know under my breath. 

As I am walking I find out that Costco, when packed with thousands of people and not knowing where I am going, is the maze from Hell. After several minutes of searching for the diapers and going up and down countless aisles unable to find a Costco employee, I am just pissed. I am to the point where I am talking and cussing out loud and I don't care who hears me. 

Everything is getting to me. The noise, the crowd, being lost, not being a Costco Member, etc. Finally, I turn down an empty aisle. As I look down the aisle I see at the very end a box with a happy baby on it. There is hope. As I continue down this aisle I see that the baby is happy because it has a diaper on it's bum. My heart is beating faster! Could it be?! Did I FINALLY find them?! I get closer and YES!!! I FINALLY I FOUND THE DIAPERS!!!!!!

I am so elated!! No emotion can compare to the joy I am currently experiencing!!! Then it happened. As I am getting closer I notice the sizes of the diapers and....the prices. That is when I noticed the MAJOR price difference of the diapers that I had exchanged, and the diapers that I needed to get. 

Now I'm not proud of this moment, but it hit me like a bomb. I was Pissed with a capital "P" and out loud and without thinking I began to say the worst word I knew. As I was in the middle of my rather loud and elongated "FUUUUUU" my neighbors rounded the corner and said "Hi Megan! How are you?!"

All I could say was "Not good. I'm shopping at Costco on a Saturday." (or something like that, I was so embarrassed I don't really remember what I said) and left.

So....Yeah....I should probably pay more attention to what I say out loud in the heat of the moment....haha (nervous laugh)...whoops ;) ....Yes dad, I'll go wash my mouth out with soap (rolling eyes while eating bar of soap).

Being Pregnant was.....an Adventure. Yeah Let's Call it an Adventure.

WOW! I have not done a blog post since 2015. So long story short: I'm alive, my husband is alive, miraculously my first born is alive, and guess what? God saw fit that I should have another child! I know, scary right? It took God 6 years to say "*sigh*...alright, looks like the first one is still alive, I guess I can give her another." Then God said "This is going to be hilarious."
It all started when I became pregnant. At first I was happy, thrilled even, but then I found out that apparently my baby was sent down against her will because she made it known to me that she HATED being inside of me. Put some devil horns on this kid and you have a picture of my baby inside my womb:

This kid was a nonstop mover. One time she even kicked my rib out of place and right when I put it back she immediately kicked it out again. I told this to my doctor and he said these exact words "Yeah there might be a little discomfort, but it shouldn't be that bad." Okay mister, let me put a rabid squirrel with a sludge hammer inside of you and see how you like it. Don't worry, it shouldn't be that bad, you should only feel a little discomfort.

Oh, me and this baby had our arguments. I know for a fact that she understood me too cause I'd tell her to stop kicking me and she'd only kick harder. Every night was an argument. I would tell her it was bed time and she would jump on my bladder letting me know otherwise. No joke, I peed 5 times in 10 minutes. I swear she would hold my bladder, then let go, then kink it off again. And she only did this at night. There came a point where I'd just sit on the toilet for the entire night. 3 AM my husband comes in asking what I'm doing and I said I've been peeing since midnight.

Unless you're the baby in the womb and you have a loaded bladder

Now to top it off my baby was due in August. This was just one more thing that made me think my baby was not from heaven because my third trimester was in 100 degree weather. I figured she needed to transition from her demonic state so she could come to earth. As I contemplated if I was going to name this baby diablo or Kaylee, I looked around and realized other pregnant women. I live in Utah so literally every other woman I saw was pregnant, and every single one of them was smiling. Seriously?!  I decided that their babies loved being inside their moms cause they all looked like this:

See happy. They were ALWAYS happy. Sickening, I know.

Then there was me: 

See the difference?

Time stood still. I swear when I would look at the clock it would read 1:00 pm so I would do what I thought was 2 hours of cleaning, getting groceries, washing laundry, and I when I looked at the clock again and it said 1:01 pm. Everything took FOREVER. In my first month of pregnancy I literally thought I was half way. When the nurse told me I was at my half way mark I said "I don't think so. Count those weeks again honey, cause I should be pushing this kid out tomorrow." Time went by so slow! Whenever people asked my how far along I was I just said "I don't know anymore. I'm due in August, you do the math." If I really wanted to mess with someone I would say "Well I can't button my pants or see my shoes, and whenever I bend over I pee a little...sooo...2 weeks maybe?"

By the time August rolled around I had turned into a half naked crazed lunatic who if you said hi to I wanted to punch you in the face:

Let's just say I wasn't a people person this year ;)

This kid was taking her time. I couldn't tell if she was just super chill in my womb and was like "Nah, it's all good, I finally made some room in here. I don't want to leave now. In fact, I'm going to remodel and am planning on kicking that kidney over there to make some room for my new living room."

 Or if she was evil and just wanted to seek revenge and was like "Mwahahahahaha! I'm going to make you think you are in labor by giving you extreme Braxton hicks contractions, but I'm going to stay in here FOREVER!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Also, I now know why people name their kids Braxton, it's a reminder of all the fake contractions they gave their mother.

But seriously, there was a time when I was literally convinced this child was NEVER coming out. I even asked my doctor "Will she ever come out?!" and he responded "Well, so far I have a 100% rate for getting all babies out." He said it in a jokingly manner, but I was truly relieved.

So needless to say, when I found out I could force her out of me by inducing early, I took the soonest available date. Labor and Delivery wasn't that bad cause I had a friend called Mr. Epidural. He is now my best friend in the entire world.

Finally the kid came out of me and she remembered who I was. She cried when she first came out, but then stopped and was observing the world around her. Chris, my husband, held her and she seemed happy. The second Chris handed her to me she started screaming bloody murder. So I just said "I know we had our arguments, but I love you." and with that it was as though we came to an agreement and she immediately stopped crying. All was right with the world....or so I thought....Tune in next time to find out how she tricked me into thinking our agreement to stop arguing was for real. (Just to keep with tradition, next post due in 2019 mwahahaha!....Okay it might come out sooner than that, but it's 3:30 in the freaking morning and I have to go to bed.)

Who Said Money Doesn't Buy Love?...

I have a hard time not spoiling my child.  I think that it's because she is my only child and she completely rules my world.  Easter is coming up and I am doing my best not to buy her all of Wal-mart, but after her birthday I made a promise that I would never do that again.  Her birthday was the worst for present shopping! It was my child's 4th birthday and the only thing my child wanted was a Sunset Shimmer Pony.  I would ask if she wanted anything else, and she would say "No, I only want Sunset Shimmer." She asked for Sunset Shimmer for months. That was the only thing she asked for, Sunset Shimmer.

Something you should probably know about me is that I am a HUGE procrastinator especially when it comes to birthdays and holidays. I have loved having a toddler because in past years she did not care what she got for her birthday, so I would be able to run to wal-mart and pick up a doll or something at midnight the day before her birthday, and she would be happy (I literally just heard a mom gasping and saying "She is your only daughter! You didn't plan for her 4th birthday immediately after her 3rd birthday?!"....Yeah, yeah, don't judge. I'm new at this).

So now that you know this about me, guess when I started looking for Sunset Shimmer? Yup, I started the day before her birthday (mom of the year right there folks!). This was a mistake because I found out that the pony my child wanted was apparently either the most popular pony in the world, or China didn't even make it because it was no where to be found.

I thought that it would be so easy to find this pony because the My Little Pony movie was so popular and I was certain every store would have it. Boy was I wrong. I first went to Wal-mart because that was an obvious choice. I figured I'd be in and out in 5 minutes, I'd get my daughter's new pony and birthday candles for the cake I was making and be done. I went straight to the My Little Pony section and started my search. I glanced through and did not immediately find it, so I took a closer look. I suddenly started to panic a little because the more I looked the more I could not find it. I looked at all of the location tags and finally found the spot Sunset Shimmer was supposed to be! Phew! So they do make it! But then I noticed that the shelf was empty! Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING! So I started looking behind all of the other ponies to see if one was misplaced. Nothing. Now I start going up an down the isles to see if a child was playing with it and put it somewhere else. Nothing. I started panicking because this was the only toy my child wanted and I was going to let her down.

While I was panicking I realized that I needed to make a choice. This is where the hard part falls upon the parent. As a parent who could not find the present my child wanted, I had to choose either to teach my child tough love and that sometimes she does not get what she asks for,

OR I could over compensate and buy her the entire store of Wal-mart hoping that she forgets what she asked for.

Let's just say I went with the second idea. I looked all over the place for this Sunset Shimmer pony and I could not find anything! Then I thought "What about Wal-greens?! They always have the things I need when Wal-Mart doesn't have them" So I went to Wal-greens. Nothing. Not a single Sunset Shimmer.

My anxiety increased and I went to back to Wal-mart, back to Wal-greens, Wal-mart in other cities, Smiths, even Best Buy. At every store my guilt and anxiety kept increasing. I didn't want to deprive my child of what she wanted because I  procrastinated. I love my child more than anything in the world so I had to get her that stupid pony. As I looked down every isle in each of these stores, I was like a predator on the loose and I was going to eat anyone who got in my way. I AM MOM HEAR ME RAWR!!! 

As I went down every isle in every store, I could not find this pony. I was devistated, how could I let down my only daughter?! She only wanted one thing. ONE THING! And I failed! So to compensate for my guilt I bought a new toy from every store and practically every isle I went down. I bought her: 2 mystery ponies (the ones that are in a bag but you don't know what you're getting. I got this in hopes that one was a sunset shimmer....they were not), a flying fairy, a movie, 2 games, 7 puzzles, a princess toy shelf with princess toy boxes, a ton of candy, a stuffed animal, a barbie, a ball, and some more things that she honestly did not need. Chris saw all of these things and was just flabbergasted, but when he saw how distraught I was, he understood that I was going crazy. 

I searched all night until all of the stores closed and I could no longer keep my eyes open. The day of my child's birth came, and still no pony. I was making her birthday cake, and I suddenly remembered that I forgot about the candles (another mom of the year moment)! What is a birthday cake without candles?! So I ran to the store and I grabbed the candles and then on a gut instinct I wandered over to the toy section and you would not believe it. Standing all alone in on it's own perfectly lit tiny shelf was a freaking Sunset Shimmer pony!

It was like the heavens opened and God poured his love on me at that very moment (this might sound sacrilegious, but I was honestly feeling this blessed over a toy) Right then and there I grabbed the toy and hugged it shouting "Thank you! Thank you so much!!!" I did not see the man standing next to me, but when I turned around I noticed that he had a look in his eye that said he was considering calling the crazy people to come and take me away in a straight jacket. All I said was "I'm just super excited!" and off I ran to the register. I raced home as fast as I could and nearly barreled through my front door I was so excited! I finally found it! Luckily we didn't give Kiara her presents yet so I just threw it in the present bag and I hurriedly rushed it to Kiara. 

I was so excited and I could not wait to see Kiara's reaction. I knew that she was going to hug that pony and jump for pure joy. Even before she unwrapped her present I could hear her audible screams of happiness. I was literally shaking with excitement at this point. 

Kiara had the bag and started pulling out all of her new toys. She pulled out the fairy, and was happy. She pulled out the movie and was thrilled. She pulled out the barbie and was super excited! Finally, with my heart racing, she grabbed Sunset Shimmer and pulled it out, and tossed it to the side as she grabbed back into the bag and pulled out the puzzles and jumped for joy. 

This wasn't even close to my reaction

Right then and there my insides died. Everything seemed to crumble around me. I think a tear rolled down my face at that moment. I grabbed the pony and I handed it to Kiara and in a tearful voice said "Aren't you excited that you got Sunset Shimmer?" Kiara took it out of my hands and right then I thought she was going to be like "Yes, mother! I love that you went through so much just to find me this wonderful pony that I will cherish for the rest of my life!" But instead she just said "Yes" and put it off to the side again to inspect the puzzles she originally pulled out of the bag. 

Well I felt like a fool. So right then and there I decided that I would never do that again. Then Easter came. I actually did my shopping yesterday and Easter is still another 2 days away so I'm getting better at this procrastination thing :) But all my child wants is a basket full of candy and eggs. You would have been proud of me. I spent over an hour in Wal-mart and started with a million things, but I only left the store with 3 different boxes of Cadburry Eggs (I never had one but Chris swears by them) a HUGE egg filled with M&M's and Skittles, a stuffed animal, Frozen chapstick and mirror, Whopper Robin Eggs, and a big bag of War head jelly beans. Yeah...I can't help it, she's my only daughter, it's a mommy sickness that I hope never leaves. But if she grows up a spoiled brat then I will take full responsibility by blaming Chris ;)  It's okay because I figure the more candy she has, the more I can steal without her noticing....see perfect plan right there! ;)