Being a mom has its moments

I'm rounding the corner, brush and hair spray in hand, I think to myself "I finally have her! There is no escape! I only have 15 minutes before we have to go, I can do this!" Suddenly my little orphan looking child runs under my legs and down the hall.  I start running after her yelling "Get back here! We need to go!!" I hear the tiny feet run down the stairs. I follow her, skipping every other stair along the way.  I see a white dash go into the kitchen. Ah ha! This is where I can corner her! I walk over as quietly as I can, I crouch down beside the counter top.  I say Hmm. I wonder where Kiara could have gone?" Suddenly I hear the pitter patter of her tiny feet coming my way. I jump out and right when I think I'm going to reach the collar of her shirt she bolts under the table, I try chasing her but I slip and fall on top of the table knocking the wind out of me! She takes off out of the kitchen with lightning speed.  My 15 minutes are up, we have to go. I've had enough, I put down my weapons and listen very carefully. I know she's here some where.  I hear a door close from the upstairs.  I creep up the steps silently but with ninja speed. I stop and listen again. I hear some papers being stepped on.  She's in the office. I burst open the door and flailing my arms like a mad man, finally catching her by the pants I hoist her over my shoulder and rush out the door.  We get to grandma's house when suddenly grandma says "Hey Kiara, would you like me to do your hair." and Kiara replies "Yes!" and hands grandma the brush. My jaw drops and I just glare at the two of them. I know they set this up, I just know it.

I'll admit it, I'm not the best mom in the world (I know this is quite a shock to most of you ;) )   But there are times when I just don't know what to do with my child.  I love my girl she is my life, but there are some instances when I'm reviewing those medical bills to see where the refund policy is.

I am having a hard time disciplining my child. I know I'm doing something wrong because nearly every time Kiara is in timeout I always want to join her because she makes it look like so much fun. She'll just sit there playing with her hands and feet, telling stories to herself, and then she'll start laughing at times. I don't mind if she does this just as long as she learned her lesson. Sometimes she learns the lesson after the first timeout, but others it takes her about 5 - 100,000,000 times to learn the lesson.  For instance 'No biting' is apparently  one of the harder rules to follow.  You really wouldn't think it would be that hard of a rule to follow.  Apparently Kiara must think that Chris and I taste really good....great I'm raising a cannibal....Anyway, this morning Chris was lying in bed with his feet exposed when suddenly Kiara randomly bit his toe.  Chris screamed out of surprise and there at the end of the bed is an "innocent" looking Kiara with her chin in her hands, smiling like an angel with a look in her eyes that says "Awe, look daddy I'm cute. You wouldn't punish a cute girl like me, now would you?"

I have found out that I need to be one step ahead of this girl, or I'm toast. So here is my guide of how to handle things without really handling them, but you still keep your sanity:

Notice: Before following this advice it's ok to curse, go to your room, scream in your pillow, and eat a lot of chocolate.

When your child draws on the wall, don't bother cleaning it, because you know when you clean it they're just going to do it again.  Instead put a picture frame to surround the "beautiful" drawing and let them continue coloring in the frame. Now you have a beautiful Picasso original art piece in your own home! Now what to do when you decide to move? Leave the picture frame up so others will be deceived and think it's a picture and when they buy the place you can remove the picture frame and now it's the new owners problem to fix it. Problem solved.

What about tearing up the family photo book? That's an easy craft one.  The pictures are already ruined so what's the point of repairing them? Instead put your child to work. Grab a poster board, cover it with glue, and let your child place all the pieces of torn photos together on this board. Then afterwards instead of washing the glue off of your child have a pillow fight and if your feather pillow comes undone and feathers stick to your child just bring Old McDonald to life.  This way you have a collage of your family and you have a perfect memory of your child doing the chicken dance.

What if your child floods the bathroom? Eh no worries! Yeah you may have some floor damage, but so what? You have insurance right? (this is all said with sarcasm by the way) Well what better time to teach your child how to mop a floor properly?! Slap a sponge on that kid's butt, knees, and elbows and let them scrub down the floor.  When your spouse gets home they will be impressed with the amazingly clean floor and your child will probably be pooped out on the couch sound asleep.

Your kid ate all of your sour patch kids and drank your 20 oz bottle of coke? Time to visit grandma!!!

See these things will help keep your sanity, and help build a closer relationship with your child :)

Pa ha! Easy as pie right?! *sarcasm*
(Why is that a saying? "Easy as pie"? Has anyone ever tried to make pie? It is not easy! Then trying to eat it, depending on the pie, it can be quite messy! Sorry, random tangent.)