Me v.s. The Demonic Chicken

Okay before I tell you the story of the demonic chicken I HAVE to tell you that I just tasted the best thing in my life!!! I was eating bacon and I decided to take a sip of my Coke and OH MY GOSH!!!! BEST TASTE EVER!!!!! They need to make bacon flavored Coke!!!! My mouth is literally drooling at the thought of it :) Now THAT is happiness in a can!!

Alright, story time :)

So my older sister went on vacation this last week and asked me to take care of her chickens. Me being the naive person that I am, said yes. Poor Past Megan did not realize that Future Megan will now build a time machine and beat Past Megan up for this decision.

Something you should know about me is that I hate farm animals (except sheep, for some reason I really like sheep). Pigs are smelly, cows steal your soul with their big HUGE eyes (their eyes are so creepy!!), roosters wake you up at the most ungodly hour imaginable, and goats eat everything. When I agreed to watch over my sister's chickens I thought "well I don't like chickens, but I also don't hate them either, and they are rather delicious to eat, so why not?" Stupid Past Megan.

My sister leaves for vacation and I go over on Friday to feed the chickens. This is when I meet Henny Penny: 

AKA Satan in a chicken suit

All of my life I have been told that chickens say "POCK POCK", I have read books that say that chickens say "POCK POCK", I have watched movies where the chicken says "POCK POCK" so imagine my surprise when I found out that a chicken does NOT say "POCK POCK"! 

Imagine yourself in a dark, cold, damp room and Satan is standing right next to your ear and in a hoarse whisper says this: "HISSSSS SSSKKKWWWAAAAKKKKK HISSSSSSSSSSS" This is what a chicken sounds like! There was no POCK in there what so ever! I am suing the person who said that chickens say POCK. 

So I am standing at the gate with chicken feed when I realize that the chicken feeder is in the back of the cage. Then I notice that all but one chicken are hiding in the corner. At first I thought they were hiding in the corner because I'm big and I scared them. Little did I know that I was about to open the gates of Hell.  

I start to open the gate when suddenly this red chicken starts to spaz out. It was as if Satan possessed it's body. It starts SWAKing and HISSing at me and suddenly acts like it's going through a mini seizure. It starts to flap it's wings and puffs up like the marshmallow man. In my mind I am thinking "Well once I open this gate and start to walk towards the chicken, it will get scared and go in the corner with all of the other chickens." Boy, was I wrong. I opened the gate and started walking towards the chicken. Suddenly, this satanic chicken lets out the most chilling SWAK I have ever heard and starts to charge, flapping it's wings in every direction. I immediately run towards the gate, but it was too late!! OUCH!!! I look down and find Satan Chicken pecking at my ankles, trying to eat me!!! I finally get to the gate and close it with all my strength. With my heart pounding and sweat streaming from my forehead, I try to think of a plan to feed these chickens.

While trying to think of a creative plan, I start having a rather abhorrent conversation with Satan Chicken. Here is how it went (Warning: some content may not be suitable for younger children, normal human beings, or chickens that are not demonic):

Satan Chicken: SSSWWWAAAKKKK Interpretation: You will regret your life if you come back in here!!!

Me: If you were my chicken you would already be a chicken nugget

SC: SSSSWWWAAAKKKK Interpretation: Die human DIE!!!!

Me: Thanksgiving's coming and I don't feel like Turkey anymore I think we will eat chicken this time!

SC: HHIIISSSSSSS Interpretation: You humans are inferior to us chickens! One day we will rule the world and you will be our slaves!!!!

Me: I'm going to take your eggs and eat them with joy.

SC:  HISSS SWAAAKK HISSS!!! Interpretation: You stink and Harley Davidson motorcycles suck!!!

Me: GASP!!! You have gone too far chicken!!! You will pay for those words!!! Mark my words, you will pay!

I finally came up with an idea. Next to the chicken cage was a shovel and I thought I could be like one of those lion trainers that use the chair the fend off the lion. Instead of a chair I would use a shovel. Smart...Right?...

I forgot that this is what happens to the lion trainer.

I opened the gate and stepped inside. Instantly, Satan Chicken puffed up even bigger, and attacked. I start screaming and I waved that shovel like a mad man. This bird was gonna die! But the chicken broke through, ducked under the shovel and started pecking at my feet. Of course I couldn't hit the chicken with the shovel because the shovel would kill it and I didn't want to have that conversation with my sister.

Me: Sorry but I murdered your chicken....

Sister: GASP!!! HOW COULD YOU?!!! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE DEMONIC CHICKEN!!!

Me: Well, she kinda had it comin'....

Sister: HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE!

Me: I know you miss your chicken, but would you like these chicken nuggets that I made for you?

Yeah, I don't think that would go over so well. So I ran out of the cage and locked it. I didn't know what else to do. I could throw a rock at it, but I was fairly certain that if I threw anything at the chicken it would use it's evil mind powers and would boomerang the thing right back at me and kill me. 

Finally after about 10 minutes of contemplating I yell at myself saying "MEGAN! You can do this! This is just a stupid little chicken, and you need to feed the other chickens." So I gear myself up to open the Gate of Hell again. This time Satan Chicken is ready and standing right next to the gate. As I stand at the gate, we stare at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither one of us backing down.  I open the gate and OUCH! With lightning fast speed the chicken got my foot! I slammed the door shut and shouted "SCREW IT!" and threw the feed through the fence and let it land all over the dirt. Then I walked away like a boss.

  Next time Chris is feeding the stupid chickens.