This is why I don't sew...

Apparently there was a woman orientation that I must have missed because I just became aware that every woman on this earth knows how to sew except for me. I consider myself a woman, mostly because I have the physical bits to prove it, but last night I was de-womanmasculated (this is a real word in "Megan's Dictionary of BS".) It all started with the phrase "Sure I'll go!".

The other day my Mom asked "Hey Megan will you go to Young Womens (a church group that consists of Young Women ages 12-18) with your little sister? It's this Tuesday and it's a mother-daughter thing but I can't go."
Me: "Sure I'll go!" (Bad Megan Bad!)
Mom: "Great! They are making temple bags"
Me: *apparently not thinking* "Oh that sounds fun!"

Tuesday comes:
Mom: "Ok here is the sewing machine."
Me: "Wait....WHAT?! Sewing? I don't know how to sew. You never said anything about sewing."
Mom: "It's ok they will teach you."
Me: "Mom, I don't even know how to set up the sewing machine."
Mom: "Oh that's easy, just follow the directions on the machine. The directions are drawn out in pictures, they have arrows and everything."

So I get my little sister and off we go to Young Womens, and that's when everything went wrong...
I put the sewing machine on the table and it literally took me 5 minutes just to get the cover off of the machine. I felt a little proud of myself for being able to find the two clips that was holding the cover together. Yay me! Alright, step one is done, now time to set up the machine. Now, remember what my mom said? There are easy directions to follow?
Here is a picture of the machine:

Basic, simple...right...?....WRONG! I spent 20 frickin' minutes trying to figure out how to get the sting from the top to the bottom and into the needle with a hole the size of an atom.

Oh let's not forget the instructions that were drawn on the machine:

Interpretation: Move string from snake being pierced by nail symbol to sideways G symbol. Avoid the birds, they will point you in the wrong direction and the world will end.

The teacher gave us the pattern that we were supposed to cut out:

Simple. I can cut a straight line!

This is how it turned out:

  Now to the sewing. The teacher started to explain how we are supposed to sew the pieces of fabric together. All of the moms and even the 12 year olds were nodding in agreement like they understood what she was saying. I was like "Is she even speaking English?!"

So I have my little sister place her fabric on the sewing machine she starts to sew. The first stitch went perfect, the second stitch was great, then the third stitch decided to screw everything up. The machine started beeping at me! You know those ear splitting beeps that scream "You're an idiot and you should never be allowed to sew again" type beeps? Yeah it was one of those beeps.  In the digital box the machine reported "ERROR 1". I look around and notice that the machine ate the fabric. I mean it literally ATE the fabric.  I was finally able to get the machine to burp out the fabric, and we tried again...Error 1....and again...Error 1....apparently the machine really loves eating the fabric.  Finally I redid the string and put it through the maze again and my little sister began sewing again.
First stitch great, second amazing, third...BEEP!!! In the digital box it screamed "ERROR 3" What does ERROR 3 mean?!!!

So I look around, reboot the machine, restring the machine, and have my little sister start sewing again.
First stitch good, second stitch great, third stitch...Yup you guessed it. "ERROR 1".

The machine ate up the fabric so bad that I had to tear the machine apart and pull out all of the little threads.
Apparently, I was being watched because two of the moms came to help me and one offered their sewing machine to my little sister (who was hitting her head on the table and muttering "I should have asked Alicia to come. She knows how to sew.").
Suddenly, I heard the best news of my life! The teacher said "Alright, time is up and it is time to go home."
FINALLY! Unfortunately, my little sister only got the strap half way done.
As we were walking out the door my little sister says "Next time I'm having Alicia help me, or even Amber, or even Tracen (my 3 month old nephew)."
So I laughed and said "I told you that I failed homec class in junior high. Now you know why."

This is why I stick with sports.
Sewing is now on my "Hell list". This means if I go to Hell it will consist of me: Pant shopping, bra shopping, scrap booking, and now sewing. After today I decided that I am going to find a way to bribe God and get into heaven.