This Is What Happened After I Turned 25

Yeah I know, I have totally been sucking it up on my blog. But let me tell you about my 25th birthday.
I just had my 25th birthday, and as a joke someone said "This is where your body falls apart." Little did they know that their joke was not a joke but it was the truth! I turned 25 years old and my body just fell apart! I mean literally FELL apart!! I don't know what happened, one minute I'm young and hot and the next I'm trying to scoop up my falling body parts and try blindly to put them back on. Let me tell you how it all started.
The day after my birthday I woke up feeling like my back was stabbed by a unicorn several times. My arms and legs hurt and my body was so sore. It was as though I had been hit several times in the night by a truck. Then it occurred to me that maybe my body really was falling apart, but then I thought "Nah, I just had a rough night that's all." Poor young naive past Megan. Little did I know this was just the beginning.

I actually found a picture of a person being stabbed by a unicorn!

It was three days after my birthday. I had to run to Wal-mart and pick up a few things for a party that my family was having for me. Chris decided to stay home while I went shopping and I brought along, Kiara, my three year old daughter. While I was at the store I decided to do my grocery shopping. So instead of just getting the few things I needed, I got the hundreds of things that I needed. Kiara at this point was very tired and rather ornery because she skipped her nap time. I finally finished shopping and I rushed to put all of my groceries on the check out counter and now I'm just waiting for the lady a head of me to finish paying. By now I'm frustrated because I was there longer than I thought, and I have a three year old screaming "IIIII WAAAAANT THAAAAAT!!! IIIII WAAAAANT TO GO HOOOOOME!!!! MOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!"
Now ya'll have read my other post "The best pee of my life" so you know that I have a bladder of steal (can't see where this is going can ya?). While I am standing in line, wondering if it's too late for me to return my three year old to the hospital for a refund, my body decided to have fun with me. This whole time I never  had to use the bathroom. I never even had the thought that I needed to use the bathroom. Then suddenly, it happened. Without any warning what-so-ever my bladder decided it was full and it needed to release itself in the middle of Wal-mart. At first it did a little squirt.

This was my first reaction

My body immediately tensed up and froze! I could not believe I just squirted into my pants. I looked around to see if anyone noticed. Then I realized that I could not leave! I had my three year old daughter screaming and all of my groceries unloaded from my cart, and the lady in front of me just finished paying so it was now my turn to check out. I crossed my legs and just prayed that it would not show through my pants. But my bladder decided that it was not done and continued to leak more. A lot more. Now I am freaking out because I cannot stop it from coming!

What did I do to deserve this?! Did I kill a puppy in my previous life? Did I accidentally run over a witch who cursed me before she died? I could literally feel the warm "water" running down my legs. Yup, you could DEFINITELY see it through my pants. Luckily I was wearing a hoodie so I immidiately stripped it off and tied it around my waist. I mention to the check out lady who was at least 180 years old, that I was in a hurry. Finally, after what feels like a century, the checker is done and I am just about to pay when my three year old notices that my pants are wet and shouts for the whole world to hear "MOMMY!!! WHY ARE YOUR PANTS WET?! DID YOU PEE YOUR PANTS?!" in which I reply "Ummmm.....No, Mommies don't pee their pants, I just spilled some water on them." (don't judge me, some moms spill on their pants in the shape of a pee stain...right?..). I looked at the checker woman and she gave me the "look you up and down glance" and said "mmhmm", and with that I swiped my card, ripped the receipt out of the checker's hand and left.

Laugh all you want, cause Karma will come and get you!

So now I am in pain and I have no control over my bladder anymore. Could things possibly get worse? Yup. For some weird reason I hadn't been craving Coke (my favorite drink of all time, this is literally my life support) and because I hadn't been craving it I hadn't been drinking it all week. If you know me this has never happened. NEVER! So I was at work and I noticed that I was thirsty. Well I had a Coke in my desk drawer and figured I would just drink my Coke. I took one sip and almost threw up! It was the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life!!

This is the most devastating week of my life. I peed my pants at age 25 in Walmart. Coke is now the nastiest thing in the world. To top it off I have had heart burn, I haven't been sleeping, my mood swings are going crazy, I've had stomach cramps, headaches, an explosion of zits that took over my face, nausea, and the feeling that I am going to murder every bunny and unicorn in the universe.

At least this didn't happen to me.

So after a whole week of this my husband finally says "Hey hon, maybe you should take one of those pregnancy tests." I was like "No, there is no way I'm pregnant, I'm just having a bad week and my body is falling apart." So finally my sweet husband holds up a pregnancy pee stick and says "Hon, please try this. Pleeeaassseee." So I try it and guess what? We are having another baby! Guess you weren't expecting that, huh? Let's just hope that the beginning of this pregnancy isn't a foretelling of this baby. ;)

 

Update: I didn't want to take this post down because it is a funny way of how we found out we were pregnant, but we did end up having a miscarriage. You can read more about that on the post: We had a miscarriage warning it's not hilarious and rather a vulnerable post.

I Fixed My Couch!!!...Well Almost....

For over a year there has been a board sticking out the back of our couch and it has been dinging up my wall behind it. So finally today I got "ambitious" enough to "fix" it. There are quotations because I wasn't really that ambitious and I didn't really fix it.

Anyway this piece of wood was seriously bugging me so I had to do something. So I flipped over the couch and cut a little hole, underneath the couch, just big enough for my hand to go in. Unfortunately, the piece of board was at the top of the couch and my arm is coming from the bottom of the couch so I had to make the hole a little bit bigger than expected to reach all the way up. Then I thought "Okay this isn't so bad I'll just take a hammer and nail and nail it to the board. I can do this!" Simple, right? Well...

I find a hammer and nail and then I realize that in order for me to do this I'm going to need to cut the hole a little bit bigger. So I snipped the under part of the couch a little bit more. I finally get both of my arms with the hammer and nail under the couch. But then I realize that the position that the board is in, I need to use my right hand to hammer the nail in. This is a problem since I am left handed. Have you ever tried hammering with your non-dominant retarded hand? Not only do you feel drunk while hammering, you also act drunk and end up hitting the hand that is holding the nail A LOT. About 10 excruciating minutes pass by and this little hole is not working because I cannot see what I am doing! So I cut it a little bit bigger. Now I can see what I'm doing (I really should have made that hole 9 minutes and 30 seconds earlier).

Well apparently Furniture Row uses steel disguised as wood! I mean the wood is so strong that you can't even put a nail in it! By now I'm pissed and my nail-holding-hand hurts and my hammer-arm is tired. So out of pure frustration I hammer like a mad man. I closed my eyes and just swung away. Sweat is now dripping from my forehead and I finally think that I got the nail to stay in the wood. There is no way that this nail is moving from it's place, so I look in and I do not see a nail. I must have hit it too far into the wood!! Crap!! So I feel around for the nail, and nothing.  Apparently, the nail must have fallen after my first hit and I was only hammering the wood after that.

Now I am lividly pissed (yes, I am using those two words together because that is how pissed I was). I am literally gnashing my teeth and screaming obscenities inside my head (my three year old was there so I couldn't actually say them). So, like a mad man, I rip bottom hole big enough and I actually half way crawl inside my couch.

Now there is something that you should know about my couch. There is a ninja spider living in it. I see it on occasion but every time I go to get something to kill it, it disappears. I have often thought that I should burn my couch. Well during my anger period, I forgot about this ninja spider. Until...

As I am half way into my couch, I finally get the nail part way into the wood. My life is turning around and I can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! But then the couch Gods decided to have some fun. While I'm hammering away, I suddenly feel something on the back of my neck.  And very quickly it moved from the back of my neck to the front of my neck and down my shirt. My body froze and then I remembered what was living in here.

Pure fear running through my veins. Then the fear turned into spastic energy. Have you ever tried flailing your arms while holding a hammer while stuck in a couch? Don't do it. Bad things happen. After I slammed the hammer into my face a few times, I was finally able to get out of the couch. While smacking my shirt I noticed a black thread on my shoulder. As I started to pull on the thread I found out that this was the thing that went down my shirt. Not the ninja spider. My body almost passed out from so much relief being expressed.

WHEW!!! Close one!!! Almost freaked out there for at bit. So glad I kept my cool. Sigh!

After this scare I finally received an epiphany on how to fix this stupid board. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, and I come back with the number one thing that my Daddy taught me could fix everything and anything.

THANK YOU DUCT TAPE!!!!

Why didn't I think of this earlier?!!

The whole thing was horrible and very traumatic.

When Kiara saw what I had done she said "OOooo! Daddy's going to be mad at you!"

Here's the hole in my couch.
You don't think Chris will notice that do you?

Me v.s. The Demonic Chicken

Okay before I tell you the story of the demonic chicken I HAVE to tell you that I just tasted the best thing in my life!!! I was eating bacon and I decided to take a sip of my Coke and OH MY GOSH!!!! BEST TASTE EVER!!!!! They need to make bacon flavored Coke!!!! My mouth is literally drooling at the thought of it :) Now THAT is happiness in a can!!

Alright, story time :)

So my older sister went on vacation this last week and asked me to take care of her chickens. Me being the naive person that I am, said yes. Poor Past Megan did not realize that Future Megan will now build a time machine and beat Past Megan up for this decision.

Something you should know about me is that I hate farm animals (except sheep, for some reason I really like sheep). Pigs are smelly, cows steal your soul with their big HUGE eyes (their eyes are so creepy!!), roosters wake you up at the most ungodly hour imaginable, and goats eat everything. When I agreed to watch over my sister's chickens I thought "well I don't like chickens, but I also don't hate them either, and they are rather delicious to eat, so why not?" Stupid Past Megan.

My sister leaves for vacation and I go over on Friday to feed the chickens. This is when I meet Henny Penny: 

AKA Satan in a chicken suit

All of my life I have been told that chickens say "POCK POCK", I have read books that say that chickens say "POCK POCK", I have watched movies where the chicken says "POCK POCK" so imagine my surprise when I found out that a chicken does NOT say "POCK POCK"! 

Imagine yourself in a dark, cold, damp room and Satan is standing right next to your ear and in a hoarse whisper says this: "HISSSSS SSSKKKWWWAAAAKKKKK HISSSSSSSSSSS" This is what a chicken sounds like! There was no POCK in there what so ever! I am suing the person who said that chickens say POCK. 

So I am standing at the gate with chicken feed when I realize that the chicken feeder is in the back of the cage. Then I notice that all but one chicken are hiding in the corner. At first I thought they were hiding in the corner because I'm big and I scared them. Little did I know that I was about to open the gates of Hell.  

I start to open the gate when suddenly this red chicken starts to spaz out. It was as if Satan possessed it's body. It starts SWAKing and HISSing at me and suddenly acts like it's going through a mini seizure. It starts to flap it's wings and puffs up like the marshmallow man. In my mind I am thinking "Well once I open this gate and start to walk towards the chicken, it will get scared and go in the corner with all of the other chickens." Boy, was I wrong. I opened the gate and started walking towards the chicken. Suddenly, this satanic chicken lets out the most chilling SWAK I have ever heard and starts to charge, flapping it's wings in every direction. I immediately run towards the gate, but it was too late!! OUCH!!! I look down and find Satan Chicken pecking at my ankles, trying to eat me!!! I finally get to the gate and close it with all my strength. With my heart pounding and sweat streaming from my forehead, I try to think of a plan to feed these chickens.

While trying to think of a creative plan, I start having a rather abhorrent conversation with Satan Chicken. Here is how it went (Warning: some content may not be suitable for younger children, normal human beings, or chickens that are not demonic):

Satan Chicken: SSSWWWAAAKKKK Interpretation: You will regret your life if you come back in here!!!

Me: If you were my chicken you would already be a chicken nugget

SC: SSSSWWWAAAKKKK Interpretation: Die human DIE!!!!

Me: Thanksgiving's coming and I don't feel like Turkey anymore I think we will eat chicken this time!

SC: HHIIISSSSSSS Interpretation: You humans are inferior to us chickens! One day we will rule the world and you will be our slaves!!!!

Me: I'm going to take your eggs and eat them with joy.

SC:  HISSS SWAAAKK HISSS!!! Interpretation: You stink and Harley Davidson motorcycles suck!!!

Me: GASP!!! You have gone too far chicken!!! You will pay for those words!!! Mark my words, you will pay!

I finally came up with an idea. Next to the chicken cage was a shovel and I thought I could be like one of those lion trainers that use the chair the fend off the lion. Instead of a chair I would use a shovel. Smart...Right?...

I forgot that this is what happens to the lion trainer.

I opened the gate and stepped inside. Instantly, Satan Chicken puffed up even bigger, and attacked. I start screaming and I waved that shovel like a mad man. This bird was gonna die! But the chicken broke through, ducked under the shovel and started pecking at my feet. Of course I couldn't hit the chicken with the shovel because the shovel would kill it and I didn't want to have that conversation with my sister.

Me: Sorry but I murdered your chicken....

Sister: GASP!!! HOW COULD YOU?!!! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE DEMONIC CHICKEN!!!

Me: Well, she kinda had it comin'....

Sister: HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE!

Me: I know you miss your chicken, but would you like these chicken nuggets that I made for you?

Yeah, I don't think that would go over so well. So I ran out of the cage and locked it. I didn't know what else to do. I could throw a rock at it, but I was fairly certain that if I threw anything at the chicken it would use it's evil mind powers and would boomerang the thing right back at me and kill me. 

Finally after about 10 minutes of contemplating I yell at myself saying "MEGAN! You can do this! This is just a stupid little chicken, and you need to feed the other chickens." So I gear myself up to open the Gate of Hell again. This time Satan Chicken is ready and standing right next to the gate. As I stand at the gate, we stare at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither one of us backing down.  I open the gate and OUCH! With lightning fast speed the chicken got my foot! I slammed the door shut and shouted "SCREW IT!" and threw the feed through the fence and let it land all over the dirt. Then I walked away like a boss.

  Next time Chris is feeding the stupid chickens.

Those "Funny" Heart Stopping Moments

We all have the basic fears: children and family in danger, getting hurt, ATM's coming to life and eating all of the chocolate bars, etc. But there are some fears that are pretty funny if you think about it. They are funny because they are not just fears, they are like make-your-butt-clench type fears. These fears make your heart stop for only a moment but have enough of an effect to have you think "OH MY GOSH!!! That was the scariest thing EVER!!!!"

1 - Meet the shopping cart complex. You hear a shopping cart behind you and it is not slowing down.

This look on your face.
Your butt just clenched didn't it? ☺

2 - Dropping your cell phone.
This is actually a fear that I do not have at the current moment. I don't have to worry about this one because I have one of those old school phones that has a built in theft protection. I'll throw it at you if you steal something of mine...or if I just don't like you. You have been warned.

3 - That moment after you lock your front door and after it closes you realize that your keys are inside. Once you make that realization everything moves in slow motion, the door, your hand to stop the door, then BAM! Closed and locked!
Chris and I did this three times, but we were smart and we left our bedroom window unlocked. It didn't occur to us until after we were locked out that our bedroom window is on the second floor, and we do not have a ladder. Smart. That's how I first met my neighbors in my town home ☺

4 - Missing a step on the stairs. It doesn't matter if you are going up or down them, either way you are dealing with a heart attack.

5 - We can't forget about that panic attack when someone knocks on your door and you are on the toilet. 

Oh that reminds me of a funny story of how I almost killed my husband. Here is how my house is laid out. The front door opens into a long hallway, and in this hallway is our half bath that is two feet from the front door.  I NEVER EVER use this bathroom in fear that someone is going to come to the door and hear me doing my business. Well one day I had to really go Number 2 and I could not make it up the stairs. Right in the middle of my business there was a knock at the door. CRAP!!! While I am sitting there sweating bullets, Chris (fully knowing I'm in this bathroom) answers the door. Then I hear this conversation: "Is Megan here?" I am praying Chris can hear me screaming in my head "NOOOO!!!! NNOOO!!!!! TELL THEM TO COME BACK LATER!!!!" But no, instead Chris says "Yes, she's in the bathroom right now. Come on in." This person is now a foot away from where I am still doing my business! After having a panic attack and now covered in sweat, I flush and come out of the bathroom followed by a wave of stench that I just created. Let me tell ya, that is the most awkward way to greet someone you barely know.

6 - You're alone in your house and while taking a shower you hear something. Yup you're gonna get murdered.

7 - That moment you're at the bottom of the stairs and you turn off all the lights to go to bed. That Boogeyman is going to get ya.

8 - When an officer is driving behind you.

THE END!!! (I couldn't figure out how to end this post and I'm too lazy to come up with something awesome, so I'm just going to say the end and pretend this isn't an awkward ending at all.)