Apparently I Am Not Old Enough for Make-up and Perfume.

I am one of the most inept people when it comes to makeup, perfume, lotions, etc. Basically, I don't know anything about these things. I only wear minimal eyeliner and I've only used mascara a handful of times. I am a 28 year old female and I honestly don't know how to do makeup, as you'll find out in this blog post.

It all began with the thought "I need to clean out my bathroom drawers." (Silly past Megan). Over the years I have been given a lot of make up that I've never worn and I just stored them away in the bottom drawer in my bathroom. Today I decided to FINALLY clean out my stuff and throw items away. While I was throwing things away I got curious. It's never good when I get curious.

The first thing I got curious to try was lipstick. Bright red lipstick. I could have looked up a YouTube video on how to apply lipstick, but I've seen the movies, I knew what to do (again, silly past Megan). I literally looked like a 3 year old trying to decorate their face. I mean do you start with the bottom lip or the top? Then do you add the lipstick to the corners of the mouth? (I later found out that the answer is no, don't put it on the corners of the mouth). Now my question is, how the heck to you keep it on your lips? I tried very hard to keep it on my lips but no matter how hard I tried it would get on the skin around my lips. (How have I lived for 28 years and never learned how to put lipstick on?! It's definitely not like putting on chapstick. Just sayin'.)

By the end, I had to wipe off the lipstick because I looked like the Joker from Batman and trust me, wiping it off did not help.

This is an actual photo of me AFTER I tried wiping it off. I almost needed a Magic Eraser to get it off!

Then I tried some "fancy" mascara. While applying it I kept thinking "Wow, for MaryKay this mascara sucks. It doesn't even do anything." I ended up poking myself in the eye a few times before I discovered that the mascara was completely dried out.

Then I came across a super fancy box (honestly, it was a clear plastic box with a ribbon). This super fancy box contained: lotion, a spray perfume bottle, and a third item. I looked all over the box to see what this third item was, but I found nothing. I opened the lid to this third item and discovered it looked a lot like clear roll on lipgloss. You know those roll on lipsticks that were crazy popular in the 90's?

I'm too lazy to go upstairs and take a picture with my phone, but this is basically what it looks like only a little skinnier.

I tried to smell it to see what flavor it was and I caught a slight hint of fruity vinegar and thought "Oh it must be grown up lipgloss. Something this fancy can't be strawberry flavored. This is high end grown up stuff." So I decided to see how shiny it would make my lips. This is where everything went wrong. Looking back I probably should have tested this on some paper, or tissue, anything really, but no, I had to slather it on my lips. I didn't even go slow and try it on a spot on my lip, I just rolled the whole thing around my mouth just how my old 90's 10 year old self used to do with my sister's sparkly roll on lipgloss. I immediately discovered that this was not roll on lipgloss. This "Lipgloss" was actually perfume.

This is NOT lipgloss!!!!

Well the perfume came out incredibly fast drenching my face. I tried to cry out, but that led to me opening my mouth causing perfume to enter my mouth uninvitedly. I tried to spit it out but then I had to cough and I inhaled the perfume. It absorbed into my lungs and up into my nose canal! My lungs became desperate for air, which placed me into another coughing fit. I tried so hard to grab the tissues to wipe my face and get off the rest of the perfume, but I couldn't see through my tears of regret! Finally I thought "WATER"! I turned on my faucet and dumped my face into the sink. I then thought "Water won't work, I need to use soap!" Now who else has soap in their bathroom? I like good smelling perfumy soap....You see where this is headed don't you?....So without thinking I lathered my face with my trusted antibacterial perfume soap. Have you ever mixed perfume smelling stuff with more perfume smelling stuff?

Well it turned into a gagging coughing fiasco. In which I had to open my soap covered lips and inhale. Perfumy soap ran into my mouth creating a foamy film across my tongue. I immediately dunked my face into the running water and tried to rinse out my foaming mouth. I was able to get most of the soap out of my mouth and off my face, but the intense smell was still there. I was going to grab a towel, but then I thought "Well I don't want this perfume stench from Hades on my towel. So I'll use toilet paper to dry off my face." Do you know what happens when toilet paper connects to wet skin? Cause Present Megan knows.

This is not my face, but this is basically what happened. 

I literally became a perfumed smelly toilet paper monster. After cleaning up, I went down stairs and felt like a 12 year old boy who had put on WAY too much cologne. My husband could literally smell me from the stairs.

So I have learned my lesson. At age 28 I'm still too young to wear grown up stuff like make up and perfume 😂😂😂...Just so you know, it has been hours since this experience and I can still taste and smell the perfume.