Statistics+Me=All Hell Breaks Loose

Okay so at work I was asked to convert a butt-load of numbers and charts into statistical figures. I HATE statistics. I cannot tell you enough how much I hate statistics. I think statistics is Satan's way of putting Hell on earth. Me and statistics do not mix. Got it? Good.

Pointless back story:
I took a statistics class and I did not understand a lick of what was going on. At the end of the semester I took the 200 problem final and I knew that I at least got 10 questions correct and 5 of those questions just said "Mark the answer D". I some how, with the blessings from God, the Universe, Leprechauns, and every magical being, got a B in that class. I have no idea how I passed because I don't even know how to multiply fractions!

Present Story:
My boss comes to me and this is what she actually says "Megan, I need you to go over the last three years through all of our pass rates, test dates, completion dates, job and school placement rates, and survey outcomes and convert them all into statistical figures so that I can put them in our self study."

This is what I heard her say "Megan, I need you to suffer unbearable pain and torture!!! Also, I HATE YOU!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T DO THIS I WILL FIRE YOU!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

This is what my boss looks like in my head at this moment

I am freaking out a little bit because I don't want to be fired and I also don't know how to do statistics. But I decided that I'm going to do my best. I will not fail!! I was so determined to be awesome, but after 10 minutes of copying and pasting 3 years worth of numbers this became my face:

Must. Keep. Going. Numbers! So many numbers!!! 1, 456, 789, 2, 489, 789, 5, 7, 4, 25, 789, 56, 8, 1, 5, 6, 8, 7897, 49. Why are there so many numbers?!!! 

3 days later of non stop statsistacalizing, I finally I get all of the numbers on one page and now I have to convert them over to a formula. But which statistic formula and graph should I use?!!! 

Best chart ever!

After playing around for hours I was finally able to convert all of the numbers and find the averages, means, and figure out all of the statistical stuff that I needed to do. Then I handed all of the statistics into my boss:
Boss: "Umm...what is this?"
Me: "This is all of the statistics for the last three years, and a little bit of my dead soul."
Boss: "This is not what I'm looking for. What I am looking for is....(I have no idea what she said because I was suppressing tears of blood that were filling up in my eyes)....Got it?"
Me, replying with my "it's not a big deal" voice: "psh, yeah I gots this!"
In reality I was really thinking " DID YOU JUST SPEAK LATIN TO ME?! WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! I. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.!!!!!!!! KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!!!"

*Sigh* Time to put my geek glasses back on and pretend I know what I'm doing...

If I had geek glasses these would be them. And don't they look adorable on this cute little puppy?! Awwwwe!

As I am staring at my computer and thinking about all the different ways my boss is going to fire me, an epiphany hit me...GOOGLE! So I Googled how to do these statistics, and which formula would be best. I actually typed in "How to do statistics from hell" and I think Google laughed at me.  Well, that was a bust, not even Google knew what to do.

So after 3 more days of contemplation and compilation of numbers, percentages, decimals, imaginary numbers, derivatives, and such. I finally had it all figured out.
I fixed up my excel spread sheet and made it all nice and pretty. It was so beautiful I just about cried.

I proudly marched into my boss's office and slammed my chart on her desk and said "Boo ya to me! Here are those stupid statistics, and they are B-E-A-U-TIFUL!!!"  after just glancing at them, not even really looking at them she sighs and says: " Megan, you're making this too complicated. All I need are the numbers converted into percentages."
Me: "Wait....all you want me to do is divide this number by this other number, and that's it?"
My boss: "Yes."
Me Screaming in my head: "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!!!!"

First reaction

Second reaction

I go back to my desk, pull up the excel spread sheet, highlight all the numbers and click the button that converts them all into percentages. 3 seconds tops. And turned it in.