I Fixed My Couch!!!...Well Almost....

For over a year there has been a board sticking out the back of our couch and it has been dinging up my wall behind it. So finally today I got "ambitious" enough to "fix" it. There are quotations because I wasn't really that ambitious and I didn't really fix it.

Anyway this piece of wood was seriously bugging me so I had to do something. So I flipped over the couch and cut a little hole, underneath the couch, just big enough for my hand to go in. Unfortunately, the piece of board was at the top of the couch and my arm is coming from the bottom of the couch so I had to make the hole a little bit bigger than expected to reach all the way up. Then I thought "Okay this isn't so bad I'll just take a hammer and nail and nail it to the board. I can do this!" Simple, right? Well...

I find a hammer and nail and then I realize that in order for me to do this I'm going to need to cut the hole a little bit bigger. So I snipped the under part of the couch a little bit more. I finally get both of my arms with the hammer and nail under the couch. But then I realize that the position that the board is in, I need to use my right hand to hammer the nail in. This is a problem since I am left handed. Have you ever tried hammering with your non-dominant retarded hand? Not only do you feel drunk while hammering, you also act drunk and end up hitting the hand that is holding the nail A LOT. About 10 excruciating minutes pass by and this little hole is not working because I cannot see what I am doing! So I cut it a little bit bigger. Now I can see what I'm doing (I really should have made that hole 9 minutes and 30 seconds earlier).

Well apparently Furniture Row uses steel disguised as wood! I mean the wood is so strong that you can't even put a nail in it! By now I'm pissed and my nail-holding-hand hurts and my hammer-arm is tired. So out of pure frustration I hammer like a mad man. I closed my eyes and just swung away. Sweat is now dripping from my forehead and I finally think that I got the nail to stay in the wood. There is no way that this nail is moving from it's place, so I look in and I do not see a nail. I must have hit it too far into the wood!! Crap!! So I feel around for the nail, and nothing.  Apparently, the nail must have fallen after my first hit and I was only hammering the wood after that.

Now I am lividly pissed (yes, I am using those two words together because that is how pissed I was). I am literally gnashing my teeth and screaming obscenities inside my head (my three year old was there so I couldn't actually say them). So, like a mad man, I rip bottom hole big enough and I actually half way crawl inside my couch.

Now there is something that you should know about my couch. There is a ninja spider living in it. I see it on occasion but every time I go to get something to kill it, it disappears. I have often thought that I should burn my couch. Well during my anger period, I forgot about this ninja spider. Until...

As I am half way into my couch, I finally get the nail part way into the wood. My life is turning around and I can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! But then the couch Gods decided to have some fun. While I'm hammering away, I suddenly feel something on the back of my neck.  And very quickly it moved from the back of my neck to the front of my neck and down my shirt. My body froze and then I remembered what was living in here.

Pure fear running through my veins. Then the fear turned into spastic energy. Have you ever tried flailing your arms while holding a hammer while stuck in a couch? Don't do it. Bad things happen. After I slammed the hammer into my face a few times, I was finally able to get out of the couch. While smacking my shirt I noticed a black thread on my shoulder. As I started to pull on the thread I found out that this was the thing that went down my shirt. Not the ninja spider. My body almost passed out from so much relief being expressed.

WHEW!!! Close one!!! Almost freaked out there for at bit. So glad I kept my cool. Sigh!

After this scare I finally received an epiphany on how to fix this stupid board. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, and I come back with the number one thing that my Daddy taught me could fix everything and anything.

THANK YOU DUCT TAPE!!!!

Why didn't I think of this earlier?!!

The whole thing was horrible and very traumatic.

When Kiara saw what I had done she said "OOooo! Daddy's going to be mad at you!"

Here's the hole in my couch.
You don't think Chris will notice that do you?