Me v.s. The Demonic Chicken

Okay before I tell you the story of the demonic chicken I HAVE to tell you that I just tasted the best thing in my life!!! I was eating bacon and I decided to take a sip of my Coke and OH MY GOSH!!!! BEST TASTE EVER!!!!! They need to make bacon flavored Coke!!!! My mouth is literally drooling at the thought of it :) Now THAT is happiness in a can!!

Alright, story time :)

So my older sister went on vacation this last week and asked me to take care of her chickens. Me being the naive person that I am, said yes. Poor Past Megan did not realize that Future Megan will now build a time machine and beat Past Megan up for this decision.

Something you should know about me is that I hate farm animals (except sheep, for some reason I really like sheep). Pigs are smelly, cows steal your soul with their big HUGE eyes (their eyes are so creepy!!), roosters wake you up at the most ungodly hour imaginable, and goats eat everything. When I agreed to watch over my sister's chickens I thought "well I don't like chickens, but I also don't hate them either, and they are rather delicious to eat, so why not?" Stupid Past Megan.

My sister leaves for vacation and I go over on Friday to feed the chickens. This is when I meet Henny Penny: 

AKA Satan in a chicken suit

All of my life I have been told that chickens say "POCK POCK", I have read books that say that chickens say "POCK POCK", I have watched movies where the chicken says "POCK POCK" so imagine my surprise when I found out that a chicken does NOT say "POCK POCK"! 

Imagine yourself in a dark, cold, damp room and Satan is standing right next to your ear and in a hoarse whisper says this: "HISSSSS SSSKKKWWWAAAAKKKKK HISSSSSSSSSSS" This is what a chicken sounds like! There was no POCK in there what so ever! I am suing the person who said that chickens say POCK. 

So I am standing at the gate with chicken feed when I realize that the chicken feeder is in the back of the cage. Then I notice that all but one chicken are hiding in the corner. At first I thought they were hiding in the corner because I'm big and I scared them. Little did I know that I was about to open the gates of Hell.  

I start to open the gate when suddenly this red chicken starts to spaz out. It was as if Satan possessed it's body. It starts SWAKing and HISSing at me and suddenly acts like it's going through a mini seizure. It starts to flap it's wings and puffs up like the marshmallow man. In my mind I am thinking "Well once I open this gate and start to walk towards the chicken, it will get scared and go in the corner with all of the other chickens." Boy, was I wrong. I opened the gate and started walking towards the chicken. Suddenly, this satanic chicken lets out the most chilling SWAK I have ever heard and starts to charge, flapping it's wings in every direction. I immediately run towards the gate, but it was too late!! OUCH!!! I look down and find Satan Chicken pecking at my ankles, trying to eat me!!! I finally get to the gate and close it with all my strength. With my heart pounding and sweat streaming from my forehead, I try to think of a plan to feed these chickens.

While trying to think of a creative plan, I start having a rather abhorrent conversation with Satan Chicken. Here is how it went (Warning: some content may not be suitable for younger children, normal human beings, or chickens that are not demonic):

Satan Chicken: SSSWWWAAAKKKK Interpretation: You will regret your life if you come back in here!!!

Me: If you were my chicken you would already be a chicken nugget

SC: SSSSWWWAAAKKKK Interpretation: Die human DIE!!!!

Me: Thanksgiving's coming and I don't feel like Turkey anymore I think we will eat chicken this time!

SC: HHIIISSSSSSS Interpretation: You humans are inferior to us chickens! One day we will rule the world and you will be our slaves!!!!

Me: I'm going to take your eggs and eat them with joy.

SC:  HISSS SWAAAKK HISSS!!! Interpretation: You stink and Harley Davidson motorcycles suck!!!

Me: GASP!!! You have gone too far chicken!!! You will pay for those words!!! Mark my words, you will pay!

I finally came up with an idea. Next to the chicken cage was a shovel and I thought I could be like one of those lion trainers that use the chair the fend off the lion. Instead of a chair I would use a shovel. Smart...Right?...

I forgot that this is what happens to the lion trainer.

I opened the gate and stepped inside. Instantly, Satan Chicken puffed up even bigger, and attacked. I start screaming and I waved that shovel like a mad man. This bird was gonna die! But the chicken broke through, ducked under the shovel and started pecking at my feet. Of course I couldn't hit the chicken with the shovel because the shovel would kill it and I didn't want to have that conversation with my sister.

Me: Sorry but I murdered your chicken....

Sister: GASP!!! HOW COULD YOU?!!! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE DEMONIC CHICKEN!!!

Me: Well, she kinda had it comin'....

Sister: HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE!

Me: I know you miss your chicken, but would you like these chicken nuggets that I made for you?

Yeah, I don't think that would go over so well. So I ran out of the cage and locked it. I didn't know what else to do. I could throw a rock at it, but I was fairly certain that if I threw anything at the chicken it would use it's evil mind powers and would boomerang the thing right back at me and kill me. 

Finally after about 10 minutes of contemplating I yell at myself saying "MEGAN! You can do this! This is just a stupid little chicken, and you need to feed the other chickens." So I gear myself up to open the Gate of Hell again. This time Satan Chicken is ready and standing right next to the gate. As I stand at the gate, we stare at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither one of us backing down.  I open the gate and OUCH! With lightning fast speed the chicken got my foot! I slammed the door shut and shouted "SCREW IT!" and threw the feed through the fence and let it land all over the dirt. Then I walked away like a boss.

  Next time Chris is feeding the stupid chickens.

Those "Funny" Heart Stopping Moments

We all have the basic fears: children and family in danger, getting hurt, ATM's coming to life and eating all of the chocolate bars, etc. But there are some fears that are pretty funny if you think about it. They are funny because they are not just fears, they are like make-your-butt-clench type fears. These fears make your heart stop for only a moment but have enough of an effect to have you think "OH MY GOSH!!! That was the scariest thing EVER!!!!"

1 - Meet the shopping cart complex. You hear a shopping cart behind you and it is not slowing down.

This look on your face.
Your butt just clenched didn't it? ☺

2 - Dropping your cell phone.
This is actually a fear that I do not have at the current moment. I don't have to worry about this one because I have one of those old school phones that has a built in theft protection. I'll throw it at you if you steal something of mine...or if I just don't like you. You have been warned.

3 - That moment after you lock your front door and after it closes you realize that your keys are inside. Once you make that realization everything moves in slow motion, the door, your hand to stop the door, then BAM! Closed and locked!
Chris and I did this three times, but we were smart and we left our bedroom window unlocked. It didn't occur to us until after we were locked out that our bedroom window is on the second floor, and we do not have a ladder. Smart. That's how I first met my neighbors in my town home ☺

4 - Missing a step on the stairs. It doesn't matter if you are going up or down them, either way you are dealing with a heart attack.

5 - We can't forget about that panic attack when someone knocks on your door and you are on the toilet. 

Oh that reminds me of a funny story of how I almost killed my husband. Here is how my house is laid out. The front door opens into a long hallway, and in this hallway is our half bath that is two feet from the front door.  I NEVER EVER use this bathroom in fear that someone is going to come to the door and hear me doing my business. Well one day I had to really go Number 2 and I could not make it up the stairs. Right in the middle of my business there was a knock at the door. CRAP!!! While I am sitting there sweating bullets, Chris (fully knowing I'm in this bathroom) answers the door. Then I hear this conversation: "Is Megan here?" I am praying Chris can hear me screaming in my head "NOOOO!!!! NNOOO!!!!! TELL THEM TO COME BACK LATER!!!!" But no, instead Chris says "Yes, she's in the bathroom right now. Come on in." This person is now a foot away from where I am still doing my business! After having a panic attack and now covered in sweat, I flush and come out of the bathroom followed by a wave of stench that I just created. Let me tell ya, that is the most awkward way to greet someone you barely know.

6 - You're alone in your house and while taking a shower you hear something. Yup you're gonna get murdered.

7 - That moment you're at the bottom of the stairs and you turn off all the lights to go to bed. That Boogeyman is going to get ya.

8 - When an officer is driving behind you.

THE END!!! (I couldn't figure out how to end this post and I'm too lazy to come up with something awesome, so I'm just going to say the end and pretend this isn't an awkward ending at all.) 

"Insert Brain Here"

I swear I have the early ages of Alzheimer's Disease. I can never remember anything anymore. I will put something down for 2 seconds and literally forget where I put it. Sometimes I don't even realize that I never put it down and that I am holding it! A couple months ago I was in school and I started freaking out because I could not find my text book. I looked everywhere, ok I looked in the only two places it could be, my desk and my back pack. So I turned around to ask another student if I could borrow their book and they said "You know you're holding your own book right?"

Things like that happen ALL the time. Names are the worst. I know names are a common thing that most people forget, but I am horrible at it, I mean horrible! If I haven't talked with you for 2 years everyday, there is no way I'm going to remember your name, just letting you know. It took me at least 6 months to remember my husband's last name.

Then there are three things that I ALWAYS forget. No matter how hard I try to remember I can never remember where I put them. Those things are my:

1. Keys
2. Shoes
3. Purse

I was going out with my mom and sisters to a church event (it had free food that's why I went). I got ready, drove to my mom's house to meet my sisters there, talked for a half an hour, then left to go to the church. It wasn't until we had gotten out of the car and heading into the church that my sister turns to me and says "Megan, where are your shoes?" DOH!

At least I had on pants! Although, there was that time I almost left the house with my pants on backwards but luckily when I stepped outside and put my hands in my pocket to get my keys I realized what I had done.  Sadly that is a true story, and I have no idea why I told you that.

The other day I had to change Kiara's pull up because she peed in it again. We were just leaving for Grandma's house and I figured I would take everything out all at once while I threw this pull up away in the outside garbage. So while I was taking the pull up to the garbage I was also holding Kiara, her blanket, her doll, her puppy, her shoes, her diaper bag, my purse, my keys, and the pull up. When I reached the door, I realized that I did not have enough hands. So what do most mom's do in this situation? They put one of the things in their mouth and uses their now free hand to open the door (at least that's what I think most mom's do...). Well without thinking about what was in my hand, I unconsciously put the peed in pull up in my mouth and opened the door. Yeah you can probably guess what happened next when my brain kicked in shouting "NO!! BAD MEGAN BAD!!! SPIT THAT OUT!!!"  Yup. Everything (except for Kiara, thank heavens she had a tight grip on me) everywhere all over the garage, and now I am drinking hand sanitizer to sanitize my mouth. (FYI: Just because hand sanitizer smells like blueberries does not mean it tastes like blueberries! Also, it makes your lips and tongue go numb).

Seriously, I have no idea how I have lived so long. I am surprised that I even remember how to breathe some days. I just think that my brain gets bored and is like "Hmmm...Jamaica sounds like a great place to visit! Let's go! Oh wait I'm having a fight with Body, and I really don't want her to come. I KNOW! I'll just leave and then I'll come back. Oh wait what about memory?! I can't have a memory of going to Jamaica without Body or Body will hate me forever! I KNOW!! I'll get so drunk I can't have a memory and I won't remember anything when I come back!!! How will I cover up my hang over?! I KNOW!!! I'll make Body nauseated for no reason and make her think that she has a flu bug and my headache is a symptom of the flu!!!  I'M A GENIUS!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Wow apparently my brain is an elaborate planner...At least that explains why I have been so nauseous this past year. 

A 3 year old changes your adult life

I have decided that it does not matter how smart you are or what type of a degree you have because when ever you have a 3 year old, everything changes. Chris and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary (I know, I can't believe he stayed with me for 5 years either!! ;) ) We decided to go away for the weekend and it became very apparent to us how much a 3 year old has changed our lives.

First of all we were actually on time to things, in fact we were EARLY to our reservations by 30 minutes! There was less yelling to get out the door, and I didn't even need to bring a diaper bag or a purse!!!

We walked around Park City Main street and looked in all of the stores when I realized that I had developed Turrets syndrome because my head kept flinging backwards to look for my 3 year old, who wasn't there, and chide her for touching things. It was very unnerving that I was alone in a nice place and I did not need to worry about something breaking and having to pay 50 bucks for a purple glass duck.

The next day Chris and I decided to ride down the big Alpine slide in Park City. While we were walking towards the slide Chris and I saw a woman walking her big dog. When Chris, in a high pitch voice, shouts "PUPPY!!!" Just like he would to our 3 year old. I busted out laughing because the lady just starred at him looking rather confused.

Then later we were bored and wondering what else we should do, when Chris says "Do you want to check out this puppy app. on my phone that I got for Kiara?!" I said "Heck yes I do!" We played for a half hour with this phone app throwing a virtual Frisbee to the virtual puppy, when I suddenly turn to Chris and say "Hon, I think we need to do something adult." Then Chris says "Do you wanna go to a park?" and immediately I responded, in a high pitch enthusiastic voice, "OOooo!! YEAH A PARK!" I was really excited about the slide and the monkey bars :)

As the day wore off it, Chris and I were completely exhausted from our exciting and adventurous day. I turn to Chris and say "Oh my gosh it must be Midnight! I don't think we've ever stayed up this late in forever! What time is it?" Chris pulls out his phone and says "It's 8:30 PM."

Yeah these are pretty bad, but I think the most annoying thing is when you're in a rather romantic moment with your spouse and instead of kissing him you unconsciously lick your thumb and wipe a smudge off his face. Yup it's happened.  Or you lean in and you tap his nose like you do your three year old daughter. These things tend to ruin the moment, just sayin'.

It's crazy how much I have changed just for my 3 year old, and how much "adultness" (yes, I just made that a word) I have censored out of my life for her. Hmm...and I wonder why I don't have many adult friends... ;)